


Sinners

by FernStone



Category: His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Parenting, But Also Sorta Canon Compliant At A Point, But they're both terrible people, Canon - Book & TV Combination, Child Neglect, Childhood Trauma, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Family, Family Dynamics, Father-Daughter Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Oh Boy They Try To Be Parents(ish), Parent-Child Relationship, Period-Typical Sexism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:00:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 46,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22133704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FernStone/pseuds/FernStone
Summary: At age eight Lyra finds out that her whole life has been a lie. Her Uncle was never her uncle, and suddenly she's whisked away to live with him and a woman she barely even knows. Things are so very different to Oxford, suddenly she has to learn and conform to the ideal of a young noble lady. Her mother is overprotective and possessive. Her father is just as standoffish and cold as he was as her uncle. So slowly she starts to change under two people who raise her so differently to how it was at Jordan college.But the wheels of fate are still turning. One small thing does not change everything and two people will never lose their ambitions.
Relationships: Lord Asriel & Lyra Belacqua, Lord Asriel/Marisa Coulter, Lyra Belacqua & Ma Costa, Lyra Belacqua & Marisa Coulter, Lyra Belacqua & Pantalaimon
Comments: 56
Kudos: 222





	1. Come On, You Little Fighter

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a longer fic I'm working on. The plan is for it to be 5 chapters, cause it was originally one and got far too long xD I have an end in mind but the rest is kind idk... Just what I want to write? This is basically AU but also not really. You'll understand by the end I guess. It may seem a bit jumbled over all but I swear I have a plan? Or at least a direction xD
> 
> Also I'm not sure how quickly I'll get the whole thing done. Uni starts back soon and I'm not in a great place atm but I'll try! Also a lot of my confidence in my writing has disappeared in the last day (ty brain) so sorry if the quality is affected because of that!! I didn't actually plan to release this till later but figured it was better to get it out. 
> 
> All that aside, enjoy~
> 
> \- Fic and Chapter Titles based off the song Sinners by The Pineapple Thief -

She was eight when she found out that her parents weren't dead.

She'd been caught as she was about to sneak out the window and told that the Master needed to see her for some important news. Of course this meant being forcefully bathed, skin scrubbed with an inch of its life and hair practically ripped out by Mrs Lonsdale brushing. Only when she'd been forced into a stupid frilly dress was she sent on her way.

"I wonder what the news is," Lyra said thoughtfully as she hurried through the halls of Jordan College.

"Maybe they decided to punish you for stealing that Gyptian boat," Pan commented helpfully, flapping around her head as a moth.

She rolled her eyes at him. Always the anxious one was her daemon. "That wouldn't be news, Pan. Maybe they're sending me up North!"

"I doubt it," Pan landed on her shoulder, shifting into an Ermine.

Lyra ignored what he'd said, taking a shaky breath (since when was she nervous) to knock on the door to the Senior Common Room.

"Enter."

She quietly slipped in only to freeze in place one step within the door. Her mouth dropped open as her eyes glance up to the tall, imposing figure standing in front of the fire.

"Uncle!" she gasped out, slight smile curving her lips. How had he gotten here without her noticing? She almost always spotted him on his way in and would follow him on the rooftops. He must've snuck in when she was playing in the streets with Roger and the others.

Her uncle just turned his head to look at her, expression slightly bemused.

"Take a seat, Lyra," the master spoke, indicating one of the two free chairs.

She reluctantly perched on the chair, only just now noticing the other person in the room. The woman sitting opposite her was beautiful, to say the least. Dark curls and red, fitted clothes. A golden monkey Daemon sat on the arm of her chair. Lyra blinked at her curiously. The woman smiled at her.

A heavy silence had settled on them filled with only looks between the Master and Lord Asriel. Eventually her uncle sat down next to the woman. There was a familiarity between the two that Lyra couldn't quite put her finger on.

The Master cleared his throat. "Now, Lyra, Lord Asriel has come with some news for you." Questions formed on her lips, stopped by a sharp look from him. "It would be best if you listened carefully."

Vibrating with anticipation, so many possibilities flashing through her mind, Lyra turned to look at her uncle. His face was as inscrutable as normal so she couldn't even guess what he was going to say. Maybe he was going to take her North.

"Lyra," he began, tone even. "Let me first introduce Mrs Coulter."

The woman on his right smiled, and Lyra shifted uncomfortably. The smile seemed warm but there was a hint underneath there that she didn't like. "Lovely to meet you, Lyra."

Lyra took the stretched out hand and shook it, knowing it was the polite thing to do. But any words in response got stuck in her throat. She just wanted to know what Lord Asriel had to tell her!

"Mrs Coulter and I are to get wed," he continued, voice surprisingly monotonous for what was supposed to be a joyful occasion (Lyra assumed). She bristled slightly. It was as if he was going through the motions of telling her, forced to.

"Oh," Lyra said, hand finding Pan to stabilise her. He nuzzled against it. "Congratulations. Suppose I'll be all dolled up for it then."

Mrs Coulter (could she even call her that when she was going to get married soon?) gave Lord Asriel an expectant stare.

"You're going to come live with us."

Lyras head shot up at her uncle's words, mouth slightly ajar as she stared at him. He gave a slight tut, probably about how unkempt it made her look. "I'm gonna live with you?"

"Yes, Lyra, that is what I said." There was a hint of agitation in his voice, and impatience that Lyra was far too used to so she brushed it off. He always seemed agitated by the way she could just talk.

"With the two of you? Like, leaving Jordan College?" She wasn't so sure about that. It was all she knew, and her home. "Why now? Couldn't I have lived with you before."

Lord Asriel narrowed his eyes at her, Mrs Coulter settling a hand on her shoulder. His response came out terse, but less angry that she expected. "I had to sort out various... Matters before you could."

"What matters? Why didn't I know about them?" A low growl from stelmaria, who had paced in front of her Uncle, stopped her from continuing with her line of questions.

"Lyra." His tone was firm, as was his gaze, with a hint of something more she couldn't quite place. For all his daemon had growled he didn't seem to be angry with her. It was unusual. It scared Lyra more than his anger. "There is something I have not told you due to circumstances I could not control. We are bringing you to live with us because we are your parents."

Lyra blinked, confused. "Like your adopting me? But you're my uncle?"

"Lyra, what he is saying," Mrs Coulter put in before Lord Asriel could, her voice smooth where his eyes were already full of frustration. "Is that he is your father and I am your mother. We had to keep this secret from your because there were things keeping us apart."

Lyra just stared, silently, as it settled in. Pan bristled in her lap, shifting between forms as he felt her confusion, before settling as a wildcat underneath her taut fingers. "Why?"

"Why what, child?" Lord Asriel snapped.

"Why did you lie to me, pretend to be my uncle." Lyra, much to her dismay, blinked back fierce tears. "Why didn't you tell me."

"It was better for you not to know."

Lyra stood up, ignoring the warning from both Lord Asriel and Mrs Coulter. Her eyes blazed as she glared at him. "You needn't have lied to me my whole life! I can keep secrets! You can't just tell me that you're my parents and expect me to come with you, all happy."

"Lyra." The warning in his tone was normally enough to stop her, for it threatened retribution. Her arm let out a phantom twinge of pain from the last time she'd angered him to far. But today was different.

"You let me think I was an orphan when I e'nt. How is that fair!" Tears shone through the rage in her eyes. Where it was all coming from, she didn't know. Pan had arched his back and was hissing as she let the angry words out. "I thought you was my uncle and I admired you! I would've been so proud to have you as my father! But you only care to tell me when it suits you."

"Lyra, your father and I were only doing what was best for you," Mrs Coulter said in a soothing tone, sickly sweet and soothing to her ears.

"No you e'nt! If you was you'd have not lied to me or never told me at all!"

With one last glare at Lord Asriel, his face contorted into a scowl and knuckles white as they gripped the chair, and Mrs Coulter, seemingly calm on the outside but lips set in a thin line, she ran from the room.

-

"Well, that could have gone better," Marisa said with a hint of a smirk on her lips. An expression only shown around him, of course, because to the outside world she must appear perfect.

Thankfully the Master had left after Lyra had run away (why he had even been there in the first place, Lyra didn’t know). He was awfully protective of that child for someone who hadn’t wanted to take her in the first place. Perhaps he would talk to Lyra in their place.

Asriel just grunted in response, slowly releasing his steel grip on the chair. Nothing was ever easy when it came to Lyra. Such a wilful child. A brat! She should be grateful he hasn't hit her for all the things she said. How was she even his daughter?

"It's because she's your daughter," Stelmaria laughed under her breath, catching his thoughts. Her eyes are bright, feeling his anger yet more level headed than him.

"She was never going to take it well," he said, eventually with a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, but she really did say a number of cruel things to you," Marisa smiled as if she hadn't been irritated by the sheer disrespect from their child. She had never liked when people talked back to her.

Asriel's glare only caused her to laugh, a light melodic thing. Then she inspected her perfect nails as if this conversation were boring her.

"Well, how will you fix this? You did make our darling daughter run away in tears."

"Maybe a mother's words will mean more to her," a threatening smile and a battle of wills.

"Oh but she barely considers me a mother. It is you she knows best and you who caused this."

"She will get used to it in time." He decided not to go into how this was Lyra's fault, for not listening. He should've instructed the scholars to raise her more strictly for then she wouldn't have turned out this ungrateful.

"We must take her back with us tonight."

Asriel sighed, knowing that he'd lost this one. "Very well. But help me calm my anger first."

-

"What do I do Pan," Lyra curled up on her bed, tears streaming down her face and hands clenched on her bedsheets. It was a mess, clothes thrown at the wall in anger and the rickety chair she hated kicked within an inch of its life. The anger was yet to subside, still burning in her chest, but it had been overwhelmed as sobs began to wrack through her body. "Everything I've known, everything about me, it's all a lie."

Pan whimpered, feeling her confusion and sorrow. She felt lost as if she'd suddenly been cast adrift from the shore with no support. The information was all too much to take in, too sudden.

"We'll figure something out, we always do," Pan shifted to a cat so he could better curl up against her, and she clutched him to her chest.

"All I know is Jordan College. All my friends are here. I e'nt just leaving them," she sniffled. She didn't want to leave. Roger was here, her closest friend. And all the other servants kids in the college. Not to mention the townies and the gyptian kids. They may fight quite often but she saw them as her friends. She'd miss them all. "Maybe I can run away. I bet Roger would still bring me food. I could find somewhere on the roof to hide and sleep. Or maybe Ma Costa would take me in."

"The roof has no protection from the rain," Pan pointed out, snuggling further against her.

"Ma Costa it is then. I may have stolen her boat that one time but I'm sure she'll have forgiven me by then," Lyra nodded, solidifying my plan. "Tony and Billy both like me anyway. They'd love a-"

She cut herself off at Pan's squeak of warning, sensitive ears hearing footsteps before she did. The door swung open and Lord Asriel (she couldn't think of him as her father, not yet) stepped in. She tried to wipe her tears away, face set in a nasty scowl and turning her back to him. She ignored him as he sat on her bed, fingers running through Pan's fur to distract herself.

"Lyra," his tone was firm, but not as harsh as normal. She still refused to look at him. "Lyra." Firmer this time, more demanding.

"What?" she snapped, turning her fierce glare to him. He frowned, a dark frown as she saw him fight against the frustration she was causing him.

"I didn't mean to be so short with you earlier. I am tired from my journeys and the first thing we did was come to speak with you. I have not rested since I got back."

It was not quite an apology, and nowhere near enough to make up for everything, but it was a start. And she knew she wouldn't get a proper apology from him anyway. Not from Lord Asriel. He was too proud for that. So was she, most of the time, so she understood. "Why now? I would've kept it secret if you told me earlier."

"But you would have asked questions that I wasn't ready to answer," Asriel explained evenly. "I wanted you to know when we could take you in. When you could meet your Mother too. I didn't want to give you false hope before we even knew that we would succeed."

Lyra still didn't think it was fair and it hurt that they'd let her believe she was an orphan. But she could sort of understand. She was glad Lord Asriel was explaining it to her rather than just brushing it off and telling her she was too young to understand. She was sick of that and she was smart enough to be told things.

"I understand that this is a lot to process. But your Mother and I want you to come home with us so we can start to live as a family. A real family. Wouldn't you like that, Lyra?"

The words were so unusual coming from him that she felt shell-shocked. Lord Asriel, speaking of becoming a family? It didn't correlate with the image she had of an uncle who only came back occasionally, spent a day with her then left. Maybe he had really done it all to protect her.

"Yes, I'd like that very much."

Lord Asriel smiled, gently ruffling her hair. She leaned into his touch just slightly. Then he stood up.

"Then let's go join your mother."

-

Lyra had thought, rather foolishly, that finding her parents would be perfect. That the two of them would take her home and they become a happy family. Lord Asriel would ignore her much much less, for he was her father, and Mrs Coulter (Lady Belaqua now) would love her as a mother would.

Of course it wasn't that easy.

Her parents got married only a few days after Lyra moved in with them. It was all dress fittings and learning manners and being chastised for being such a ruffian by her mother. It was chafing and Lyra wanted nothing more than to be running outside, playing with the children.

But she got through the wedding on her best behaviour, putting up at the cooing of strangers over how cute she was and ignoring the harsh whispering about how she was born out of wedlock. She didn't care about things like that. At least she had parents now and wasn't just an orphan (albeit one with a Lord for an uncle).

She was looking forward to relaxing after it. And there had been one day of it, mostly spent alone in the vast Manor library trying to pick out books she wanted to read. Her parents spent most of that day in their bedroom. They'd had dinner together, however, and that had been quite nice. Both had talked to her! Her unc- father had filled her in on what had happened since she last saw him and her mother had such interesting stories. Of course she added quite a few of her own, talking about her adventures outside and about the college. Her mother's lip curled slightly at the thought of her running through the mud but her father just laughed, saying it was healthy for a child. And she was his daughter.

It only lasted a day because then Father went back up north. A shorter period this time, he'd promised, but he left nonetheless.

Left her with a mother barely more than a stranger.

Her only saving grace was that their Manor was practically in Oxford, a short enough distance that she could escape to play with all her old friends.

Not that she could easily get away from her mother.

Mother had taken it upon herself to teach Lyra a lot of what she'd missed in her patchy education at Jordan College. Her mother was incredibly smart, a scholar in her own right, so she was perfectly qualified. Of course it wasn't just academic lessons but ones in etiquette and other lady like activities.

"Concentrate, Lyra," mother chided for the fifth time that day.

Lyra frowned, fidgeting in her seat and trying to concentrate on the book in front of her. She hated book learning. She didn't mind a book if she'd chosen it herself to read. Then she enjoyed it. But she hated it when forced. She was a very active child, one who found it incredibly difficult to concentrate on a task if she didn't want to do.

"I e'nt so good at books. Can't we learn some other way. Like maybe if-"

"I am teaching you basic arithmetic, Lyra," Mother interrupted. "Something all girls of your age and upbringing should already know. There is no other way to learn it."

Lyra grumbled, but she tried. She really did. It wasn't so hard when she put her mind to it but the challenge was doing just that. Because it was so boring and she really hated boring things. Still she struggled through.

She was left with a giddy and elated feeling at her mother's smile and pride at how fast she learned when she actually concentrated.

"See, that wasn't so hard," Mother smiled, leaning over to place a gentle kiss on top of Lyra's head. Lyra grinned up at her. "Now let's move on to some grammar."

Lyra groaned as she put another book in front of her, but was quick to school her features before the pride fell out of her mother's eyes. Because it was so nice to be looked at that by family. Father had sometimes seemed proud of her before, when he was her uncle. But it had mostly been amusement at her antics, or annoyance, or just not caring at all.

So she forced herself to concentrate as much as possible, though there was still fidgeting and a few sharp words from Mother. The time crept by and she was relieved when it was time for dinner.

They ate in Mother's study that, at a small table with two chairs set up specifically for Lyra in there. Mother explained that she didn't feel like eating in the dining room tonight, it felt too empty with just the two of them. Lyra didn't really have a problem with that. It was so stuffy there. Here, in the privacy of her own study, Mother was more relaxed with her. She still had to eat properly and slowly, like a lady, but it wasn't nearly so bad.

"When will father be back?" she asked, half way through a comfortably silent meal.

"I don't know, Dear," Mother replied, delicately eating a slice of meat. "I expect he will send a letter when he knows."

"So it could be months? Years?" Just like the last time. A whole year before he came back.

"No, of course not," Mother's gaze was soft and there was a slight vulnerability in it. Of course she wouldn't want him gone for so long either. "He has something to return to now."

Lyra frowned. She didn't really understand. She'd always been there to return to. How was it different now? She didn't entirely get it. "You?"

"Oh, Lyra," a light laugh, as if she'd said something ridiculous. Then a gentle hand running down her cheek. "Us. He has us to return to."

Lyra smiled slightly. She found she liked the sound of that. Us. Like a happy family. Her and her mother, waiting for Father's return.

-

Finally, she managed to escape after a few days, because mother has business to attend to, so she isn't forced to endure her home schooling. It's easy to find her way to Oxford, between her and Pan they have a good enough memory of the journey there.

She found Roger playing with some other children in the college. He'd be free until dinner time, if he was playing just now. He spotted her with a shocked look on his face.

"What you doing here, Lyra? I thought you was gone for good."

She responds by attacking him with a fierce hug, knocking some of the wind out of him. Pan and Sacilia touched noses before bouncing about each other.

"Where I am now e'nt so far from Jordan that I can't walk back," she proclaimed, wide grin on her face. All the other children had stopped watching to gather round. She'd always been a bit of a leader of the group, with Roger as her right hand man.

"You e'nt gonna get in trouble for sneaking out?" Roger eyed her, knowing her nature all too well. "

"She won't notice."

"You're just reckless."

Lyra grinned further, hugging him again for good measure. It was good to see him again after what had felt like an age. She had missed him. Her best friend. She then turned to the other children. "More importantly, how's the war going without me?"

She threw herself into her play, going out to terrorise the town children with her ragtag group. They'd thrown mud at one of the college kids when he was out on an errand so they had to get revenge. After all, this was a long standing quarrel.

They got back to Jordan just before dinner, to give Roger and the others time to get washed for the dinner serving. Lyra was all laughter and grins, covered in mud and hair wild, hoping to steal some dinner before she had to get home.

The playfulness stopped when she spotted mother in a distant hallway, talking to the Master. Even from here she could see her anger and the agitation in the way her daemons tail flicked. It struck fear into her heart and Pan trembled as a small mouse in her pocket.

"Sorry, Roger, gotta go," Lyra whispered without an explanation, before taking off in the opposite way to her mother. It was like second nature to haul herself up onto the roof and quietly run along them. She didn't know where she was aiming for just that she had to stay away from her mother.

Running away had never seemed more tempting.

Or maybe waiting till father was home to protect her.

It wasn't like mother had treated her with anything but kindness. Well, there had been a certain tone of judgment and a fakeness behind a lot of her smile. And the disapproving curl to her lips at Lyra's lack of formal education and manners. But never had she spoken more than a few, select harsh words - all when teaching her.

Yet Lyra could see her anger and it terrified her. There was something about it that had set off her instincts, forcing her to run. It was that or fight and she wasn't so sure she could win that.

She didn't understand her terror. She'd been hit before for breaking the rules in Jordan. She wasn't afraid of a little bit of pain and it never deterred her. She just didn't want to face her mother's anger.

"I don't like her Daemon," Pan whispered, nuzzling against her. She'd found a flat section of the roof to sit down on, leaning against a wall and shivering. "He creeps me out."

"Same," she admitted. "He never talks openly and I don't know if he even has a name."

"He looks at me like I'm a toy."

She shivered, nodding. "But mother can't be so bad, for my father to have picked her. He's a good man."

"Then why are you, we, so scared?"

Lyra blinked at him. "Maybe cause it's the first time I've angered a parent, rather than one of the scholars or the housekeeper."

They both silently pondered that for a few minutes, relaxing slightly in familiar surroundings.

"Lyra Belacqua, come down here this instant or there will be hell to pay!" A shrill voice, tainted with rage, tore her from her thoughts. She stood to find her mother standing on the ground, hands on her hips and chest heaving. She shivered. How had she found her?

Then she saw the golden monkey on the roof opposite and realised. Of course. A monkey could climb so easily.

"We should just go down and face her," Pan whispered in her ear, shivering as a mouse again. Lyra made a face at that. If there was one thing she was good at it was rebelling (and making things harder for herself).

"Why should I?" she shouted back.

"Lyra, do as I tell you," sharp orders, tight with anger and barely restrained.

"No!" Lyra crouched back down, prepared to play the long game. She could wait it out on this roof for hours if she had to. Rain and wind was no problem. She'd run about the roofs in it plenty of times before even though she'd be scolded harshly for it. Yeah, yeah it was dangerous but would Lyra fall? Of course not. She'd never fallen.

"Come here right now or I shall be forced to come after you."

The words sent a shiver through Lyra. She peered down again. The sight of her mother removing her heels and the golden monkey prowling towards them struck the fear of god in her. She'd never scrambled off the roof so fast and almost went over her ankle as she hopped down. As soon as her feet hit the floor she turned around, but her mother grabbed her wrist harshly before she could and twisted.

"Ow, you're hurting me!" Lyra gasped, barely able to stop shaking at the pure rage in her mothers normally calculative green eyes. "Stop it!"

"Lyra," mother spoke evenly, as if she wasn't close to breaking her daughters wrist. "This wouldn't have had to happen if you had listened to me in the first place."

Lyra widened her eyes, shaking her head fervently as Mother began to lead her (drag her) through the corridors. "Let go of me! LET GO OF ME!"

Mother seemed unbothered by her screeching and suddenly Pan, who had been flying about as a bird screeching with her, was in her daemons mouth. Desperately changing shape but to no avail as he bit down just enough to cause a sharp stab of pain in both of them. She gasped and shut up.

"Come now, Lyra, be a good girl and get in the car."

Eyes watery and with no choice, she did as she was told. She scooted in and right against the wall at the other side of the seats. As far away from her mother as possible when she joined her.

The car journey was deadly silent, Lyra and Pan's fear sharp as the golden monkey gently stroked him. It was a warning, and occasional claw catching him. There was no escape. She shivered and shook the whole way home, grasping Pan to her chest the instance the golden monkey let him go when they reached the Manor.

It only took one warning look from Mother for her to obediently follow her out, into their home and the large bathroom near Lyra's room.

The water was already being run by one of the servants.

"Get into the bath," Mother ordered, a flash of teeth from her golden monkey. Lyra quickly stripped and stepped in, surprised when her mother came around to wash her hair.

They didn't speak, and she didn't wince as her mother pulled her hair far harder than necessary. It was just a little bit of pain, rather her mother got her frustrations out like this. But she hated the wait for the punishment she knew was coming. Fear continued to bubble inside her for she did not know what to expect. In Jordan College she knew what to expect. But not from mother. But as time removed her from the events so to did her anger start to develop. How was it fair? She'd merely been going out to play.

It was only once she was dried and dress, in one of those stuffy dresses she absolutely hated, that mother started talking. They were in the sitting room now and Lyra made sure to keep her distance, Pan hidden in her hair making himself as small as possible.

"Now, Lyra," Mother began in a sickly sweet voice that she hated more than the raw anger before. It was fake, so fake, and she knew exactly what it was covering. She wasn't stupid. She knew when she was in danger. "Care to tell me why you ran away?"

"I didn't run away," Lyra replied sullenly, mouth set in a frown. "I was just playing. I e'nt seen my friends in days and I hate being cooped up inside."

"Do you understand, my darling daughter, how worrying it was for me to find you gone? To not know where you were. So many things could've happened to you."

At that, Lyra scowled. She wasn't stupid she knew of the dangers of the world. She knew cause her and the others kids had angered some men once, and been chased through the streets with knives. They'd escaped over the rooftops but it stuck with them all. "I wasn't doing anything dangerous. I wasn't hurt. Not till you hurt me."

There was a flash in her mother's eyes, a dangerous glint that had her backing away slightly. "It is well within my right to punish my child, Lyra, especially one as disobedient as yourself."

Her mother took a step forward, golden monkey creeping with her. Pan turned into a wildcat in Lyra's arms and hissed. "Father wouldn't want you to hurt me!"

She laughed. "Your father would discipline him yourself if he was here. Never before have I seen such an unruly, bratty and disgraceful young lady. And that is what you are, Lyra. A young lady. Young ladies do not run away from their home to roll in the mud like some commoners child."

"I wasn't-"

"Don't you speak back to me," her mother snapped. "Listen when you are spoken to. Before coming here you have lived a life with too few responsibilities. You are no longer at Jordan College. You must act as a young lady will. You cannot be seen in such a state as you were earlier. You must know your station."

Mother was dangerously close now and Lyra had no way to get away. Instead of cowering in fear she glowered up at her.

"How's that fair! You just plucked me from where I was happy and told me I was your daughter! I don't want to be a noble girl wearing stupid dresses and doing ettiquete classes. That's not me! And I don't want to be here!"

Faster than they could anticipate, her Demon was on top of Pan, elbow in his stomach and hands at his neck. Lyra fell to the floor with a pained cry as Pan tried to scratch his way out, to no avail. It was so painful, the ear kicked from her lungs as she struggled to breathe.

Mother tutted. "I was hoping to sort this with merely talking and sending you to bed without supper, but it seems only force will get through. I should have known."

"Stop it," Lyra struggled as if she could dislodge the Demon herself. "It hurts."

"Listen to me carefully, Lyra. I am your mother. As my daughter, you must be obedient to me. I am only doing what is best for you. I was to mould you into a well behaved, sweet, charming and innocent lady. I cannot do that if you constantly fight me. I wish for a daughter as perfect as that and I know you can be that perfect daughter, if you listen and learn. Do you understand?"

"I understand," Lyra choked out, tears staining her cheeks. She didn't understand, not entirely. Was it normal for mothers to discipline their children like this? She'd never had a mother.

"Good." The word was so soft, so gentle, as the golden monkey let go off Pan. He seemed bored, almost, as if it weren't a big deal at all. That scared Lyra more than the rage. "Now, Lyra, do you have anything to say to me."

"I'm sorry, for running away." Her voice shook and she clutched Pan close to her, as if he'd disappear if she didn't. The shared pain had been too much.

Mother nodded towards the door. "Now go to your room."

Lyra didn't need to be told twice, for there was no other place she wanted to go (other than away from here). She ran out the door as fast as she could, tears streaming down her face. She didn't care that she slammed it behind her nor that she did the same to her room door.

She pushed a chair against the door to keep it closed, just in case, before she curled up in bed hugging Pan as close as she could.

-

After a few hours Lyra had cried herself out. She didn't make any effort to move from where she sat in bed, knees at her chest, Pan clutched to her. And she made no effort to stop her mother from opening the door (how she got in she wasn't sure).

"Lyra, dear," mother started, sitting down on the bed beside her. Lyra tried not to flinch as she gently cupped her cheek before wiping away her tears. Pan hid in her shirt, unwilling to go anywhere near the golden monkey. "I know that it's hard. I understand that you barely know me and it's difficult to think of me as your mother. But I am trying and I need you too as well."

Lyra sniffed, looking up at her with tear stained eyes. "Why did you abandon me till now? If you really wanted me..."

Mother shushed her, gently brushing a curl away from her face and giving a watery smile. "Lyra, my dearest daughter, I never wanted to give you up. Know that. I didn't have a choice. You see, there was so much against your father and I being together nevermind us keeping you. We had to fight so very hard to be able to safely bring you home with us. And we did, because we both wanted you. I would have never, ever, given you up it I didn't have a choice."

Lyra nodded. She believed her, she really did. There was a genuine vulnerability in her mother's expression that couldn't have been fake.

Carefully, as if she were a wild animal (she guessed she half was), mother put her arms around Lyra. Lyra hesitated for a moment before reciprocating. It was nice, to hug her real mother. She felt wanted.

Eventually Mother pulled back, looking at her with a half stern glare (ruined by the tears that shone there). "Now, Lyra, I'm not a monster. I know a girl your age needs friends and time to play. I can only hope that you're energy with go towards your study or things more appropriate for a young lady, but I will not stop you. I only ask that you tell me where you're going, you are back by dinner time and you clean up immediately after. No more sneaking off. Is that clear?"

"Yes..." she hesitated. "Mother."

Mother smiled, and pulled her into another hug.

-

When father came back after a month, Lyra was in Mother's study reading a book she'd found interest in. Things had gone smoother since she'd snuck off. She had less freedom than she wanted but she still got to play. And mother was nice to her, most of the time. She could understand her anger at finding her child gone, she guessed.

It didn't mean Lyra wasn't scared of her (even if she continued to push her boundaries). Her mother was like a switch, so sweet until Lyra did something to push her too far. Then she was terrifying. But now Lyra could see it came from a place of caring. At least she thought it did.

The sound of the front door slamming closed had Mother instantly alert. As if her breath was held in her chest she shot up, stalking out the door. Lyra blinked.

"Wonder who it is to have Mother so worked up," she mumbled to Pan, who was lounging beside her as a wildcat.

"Don't know. Should we go check?"

Lyra grinned. Last visitor mother had was a stuffy Magisterium member but he'd been oh so interesting to listen to. She had no idea what half their conversation had been about but there had been so much gossip sprinkled in between it.

She closed her book, hurrying out the room and sneaking down the grand staircase. She could hear mother, tone somewhere near hysterical, and a quieter, deeper voice.

"-Gone for over a week more than you said! I have been worried sick, Asriel, you know that! Anything could have happened to you!"

A spark of excitement sparked in her chest. Father was home from the North! She forced herself to stay were she was, crouching at the bottom of the stairs behind the fine wood bannister, rather than running out to greet him. Conversations were always more interesting when people didn't know she was there. So she peered round, silent and hidden.

"I'm sorry, Marisa, but there was nothing I could do. A storm came the day before I was to depart and didn't let up until just yesterday."

"You could've sent a letter," Mother wiped away a tear.

"It wouldn't have gotten through," Father took her hands, gently pressing a kiss to her knuckles. "I would've been home as soon as I could, you know that."

She looked at him, seeming to consider it, before nodding. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders and his went around her waist. They stood there for a moment before his hands slid lower and she pulled tighter, into a passionate embrace. Lyra made a retching sound as their lips touched.

"Gross," she whispered to Pan, who shared the sentiment as he stared at their two Demons sharing in their own version of the humans events.

"We should leave," Pan shuddered as her parents greedily kissed, quiet sounds coming from the back of her mother's throat.

Lyra considered that, because she didn't want to continue to watch this exchange of passion and roaming hands. She knew what it was and led to (and older servant had told her all about it), and quite honestly she found it gross. No sane eight year old wanted to watch their parents passions.

Though she wasn't quite sane. Though she didn't want to watch. Just annoy.

"Father, you're back!" she squealed, jumping up and running from the bottom of the stairs as if she hadn't been there the whole time. "Oh, Father, I missed you."

Asriel's was a look of shock as her parted from mother just in time for Lyra to leap into his arms. He held her at a distance for a moment before reluctantly hugging her. She grinned up at him, barely concealed mischief sparkling in her eyes. Father sighed.

"Lyra," his voice was gruff with an edge of subsiding passion. She clung to him, relishing in the feeling and his arms loosely around him. She found his uncertainty entertaining. He'd always been so standoffish as her Uncle. He was hardly different now but she was more bold. He couldn't just brush her off. And anyway, mother hugged her all the time. "It has been quite a while."

"Will you tell me of your adventures? Oh please, please, Father! I've been dying for you to come home so I can hear about it!" She was milking it, Pan following her lead to nuzzle against Stelmaria as a smaller snow leopard. Though she did genuinely want to hear about all his stories and have his attention.

"Lyra," mother warned, with tired annoyance. "Your father is bound to be exhausted by his travels. Give him some space and time to relax before you pester him."

With a pout she let go and took a step back, looking to mother accusingly. "You weren't giving him slave when I came down. How come I have to?"

Father coughed discreetly and Mother frowned. "That was different, dear."

"I e'nt allowed to hug my own father?" She forced her bottom lid to tremble, eyes wide with fake tears. Mother looked at her husband with a desperate plea.

Asriel sighed again, pinching his nose before he crouched down to her level. "Your mother and I haven't seen each other in a long time, it is only natural for us to wish to be together as adults." A diplomatic way of putting it. "But if you're a good girl, Lyra, and play quietly for now I will tell you all about my trip after dinner."

"Will you teach me about your experiments too?"

"If you can understand them, I will."

Lyra grinned. "Okay, promise?"

"I promise."

She'd won this one. She was fairly certain if she had not interrupted her parents would've ignored her all day, apart from at dinner, to spend time together. That was the last thing she wanted when Father had just gotten home! She wanted to hear anything.

"Thank you Father!" She hugged him again, briefly, before hesitating and looking at her Mother. She hugged her too. "Thank you, mother."

She scurried off before they could change their minds.

It dawned on her that it had only taken a month to accept that they were her parents. She considered it a moment before shrugging. Well, they were. And it wasn't like she'd seen her father recently. It was plenty of time to come to terms with the change.

And anyway, it was nice to have a family.


	2. So You've Got Nothing To Go On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There is mildy implied child abuse in this chapter (nothing explicit). Be careful reading if this is an issue.  
> I've always updated the rating to M? There's scenes of a slightly sexual nature and I'm not sure the line between T and M for it, so just to be safe. 
> 
> I didn't plan to post this today, but it's been a HDM filled day (cosplaying Lyra and finishing some HDM sticker design drawings) so I figured why not! I'm trying to work on switching up the POV a bit more, but it didn't really happen in this chapter (apart from one scene). Hopefully the next there will be more from Marisa and Asriel's POV rather than just Lyra's, even if she's still the main focus. I'm ngl I've never written Marisa at all before this fic so uh... that'll be fun.
> 
> Also don't expect the next update to be so fast, I'd already written a good chunk of this when I posted the last! But yeah it ended up spiraling beyond my control I didn't even write everything I wanted for it. These characters write themselves honestly. It's cause of this and a lot of ideas that I've updated the chapter count to 7. Hopefully I'll stick with this.
> 
> (Also fun fact, the first section was planned as a "nice family outing." I really stick to my plans)

Lyra isn't sure if her parent's even like each other. They seemed to swap from being the most loving couple to being at each other's throats within moments. Lyra didn't understand it at all.

Her father has been home for six days. It's the longest time he's seen him staying in one place that isn't the North. She shocked and likes to think it bodes well for the future. It means he does actually want to spend time with them.

But then again after that first day, she had barely seen him. He'd told her, a captivated audience, all about his trips and research. Most had gone over her head but Mother had promised to teach her more so she could understand it better. It had been such a lovely evening, one she'd imprinted in her memory. The three of them sitting in the living room in front of a gentle fire, her parent's with arms around each other and her at their feet. The three Daemon's had even curled up together. It was the first time she'd felt well and truly at home since moving in.

But it hadn't happened since. She hadn't seen her father at all. It turned out that being back didn't mean he didn't have business to attend to and he spent half of his time at Jordan College. The other half was mostly spent with mother, arguing or doing something else, and ignoring Lyra whenever she was about (sometimes he even ignored Mother).

It grated on Lyra's nerves but she tried to hold her anger in. When she'd asked mother she'd said he was busy and tired. She'd wanted to say something about him making time for her but had realised that she didn't want to push the one parent actually talking to her away.

"Were going on a family outing," Mother announced the morning of the day before father left again.

Father looked up from his papers with a heavy frown. It was clear he hadn't been told about this in advance either and wasn't too happy at the prospect.

"No arguing, darling," Mother spoke before Father could say anything. "It's the least you can do before you disappear."

Once again Father looked as if he was disgusted at the mere idea of spending time outside with his family (or hopefully the idea of being torn from his preparations).

Mother had approached him, hand coiling along his shoulder and leaning in to kiss him soundly. Father responded with a soft growl and hands on Mother's hips.

Lyra coughed, loudly, to let them know she was still there. They ignored it to continue kissing.

"Disgusting," she muttered, slipping away from the dining table to her room.

That was how they ended up walking through Oxford Town, the nice end of course not Lyra's usual haunts, with two overly affectionate parents and an incredibly surly daughter. Though fairly, her father still wore his signature "talk to me and I will break your leg" frown but Lyra could tell that underneath he was just a little bit happy to be here. With Mother, holding her hand as she laughed away and pointed things out.

As if Lyra wasn't there.

"They won't notice if we leave," she whispered to Pan, glaring back at her parents. They were looking and some jewelry now and talking in hushed tones. Mother leaned against Father, with a bright smile and kiss to his cheek. Father even smiled back, albeit a gruff one but a smile nonetheless! Not his usual smirk (when he wasn't looking like he wanted to kill anyone on site). "Yeah they en't gonna know."

"They might," Pan replied into her ear, pointing his nose towards her parent's daemons. The golden monkey was sitting on Stelmaria, who looked bored (but had a relaxed twinkle in her eyes). It was an odd sight.

"Nah they're just as caught up in the moment," Lyra shook her head. "Don't give me that look, Pan, I e'nt doing anything dangerous. I'm just gonna keep going."

Pan let out a sigh but she grinned, hurrying up her pace. They were in a small market quite unlike the ones she was used to. Instead of food, practical clothing and other cheap or crafted wears this one had jewellery, pottery, glassware and all sorts of fancy items for sale. None of it was stuff Lyra was interested in. She wasn't surprised mother had taken them here. She loved shopping.

When she was sure she was out of her parents sight she slowed down. There was a building behind one of the markets shorter than those around it, with crates stacked beside its walls. The problem with this area of town was all the buildings were nicely made and well kept with very few out sticking bricks. Smooth and unscalable. But this one she could get up.

Pan turned into a small hawk, easily landing on the corner of the building as Lyra clambered up behind him. She crouched down, running along the flat roof and leaping onto the window sill of the next one. It was a struggle but she made it to the next building. She grinned at Pan, who gave an elated squawk back. For all his hesitation he was enjoying it now.

"This is much better," she sighed, feeling more at home on the roofs than she had on the stuffy streets full of pretentious people. She could've endured it with her parents but with them ignoring her... Well, what was the harm in having a bit of fun?

"You got some dirt on your dress," Pan shifted to a dog to try lick it off. It just made it worse.

"I didn't like it anyway." Mother would be mad, but it was her fault for stuffing Lyra into one of those more restrictive dresses. This one was a horrible peach colour and Lyra absolutely despised that colour. On the other hand, it was much better for hiding up here than any bright colours. "C'mon, Pan, let's go see where my parents have gotten to."

With a shared look of joy Lyra jumped over to the next roof, Pan flying just over her head. She laughed slightly and he swooped about before moving onto the other one. She had missed the freedom. Sure, she could climb about the Manor (when her parents weren't looking). But it just wasn't the same as in Jordan College.

"They're over there," Pan hissed as he landed on her shoulder, nervous and excited at the same time. It was a common feeling for her daemon when Lyra was doing something both risky and fun. Lyra scratched under his neck comfortingly as she crouched down to peer over the edge.

Her mother had a lovely new necklace, emeralds that matched her eyes but not her drawn expression. Her lips were pursed and her eyes blazed. Father didn't look much better, teeth slightly bared. Their Daemon's fur was sticking up as both looked about agitated. They were standing a bit off to the side from the market, slightly in an empty alley. Lyra glanced at Pan who nodded, flying down slightly closer to hear what was being said for Lyra. They were talking in whispers to not seem like they were having a fight in public, probably."

"-your fault, Asriel, it you hadn't been so grumpy this morning!" Mother hissed, eye venomous.

"Of course, I'm sure that scared her off," Father growled, much like Stelmaria did when frightening someone. "I can't see how you can blame me, Marisa. She's not a baby I'm sure she knew exactly what she was doing when she wandered off. No one is to blame but the girl."

"But what if something happened to her," Mother wiped an eye as if the tears there were entirely real. Lyra knew she could turn on the waterworks at command. Still, it worked somewhat, for Father pulled his arms around her. Maybe they were more real than Lyra could tell because she was sure he could see through Mother far easier than anyone else. "What if someone's got her!"

"I'm sure she's run all about these streets before."

"But now she's publicly known as our daughter she's more at risk."

"Nonsense, no one would dare. She's just a brat who's purposefully left us behind."

"Don't call our daughter a brat! She may be-"

Lyra had heard enough of their weird combination of bickering and comforting. Pan landing back on her shoulder with a quizzical look.

"No, we e'nt going down so they stop worrying. They're hardly even worried! Mother may seem it but she'll be right back to ignoring me if we go down there."

"Well, what we doing then?"

Lyra picked up a small rock beside her with a grin.

"Don't, Lyra."

Leaning over, Lyra threw the rock so that it landed right between them. "Oops, too late."

Pan hid his face in his wing, shaking it. Lyra just grinned, lying on her stomach so she could look over without being seen. Both parents were looking around with murderous glares that would normally stop her. But she was already in trouble may as well continue her fun. She threw another rock, from a different angle this time, then a third that hit Stelmaria right on the nose. Pan had to cover her mouth to stop her laughing out loud. Then they both threw rocks, Pan making sure to hit the golden monkey (he really still didn't like him).

"Come out at once, or I will-" Father's commanded, loud enough to be heard on the roof. Any child less brave (and stupid) would have cowered at it. Mother put her hand on his chest gently to stop him.

"Come down, Children, we're not going to hurt you. We'll help you find your way back home." Her sickly sweet tone was scarier, when Lyra knew what could be hidden behind that. If she didn't she would've scampered right down.

Instead, in response, she threw more rocks.

"We'll be in so much trouble later," Pan grumbled even as he helped her.

"Will not, we'll get away before they know it was us and pretend we got lost. They'll-"

Pan let out an alarmed squawk, shifting between bird forms. Adrenaline pumped through Lyra's veins at his sudden shift.

She screamed as the golden monkey leapt up onto the roof at her, teeth bared. Pan turned into an eagle, pulling the monkey off her with his claws and flying out of the way as quickly as he had.

"Run!"

His shout forced her out of her shock and to her feet, taking off after Pan.

"Lyra Belacqua, get off the roof this instant!" Father thundered. She risked turning around to she her parents, Father red faced and seething and Mother with barely restrained venom and rage. Knowing that she was already in a lot of trouble she stuck her tongue out at them and kept running. "LYRA!"

Adrenaline surged through her as she sprinted across the rooftops, riskily jumping between them. A few times she almost missed her footing but Pan grabbed her before she did. The risk added to her thrill, the enjoyment she was getting out of this even with the monkey behind her and a punishment at the end of it all. Pan thought she was mad (he was enjoying it too).

She leapt down to the shorter building, rolling to halt her fall and stopping for a moment. Her chest heaved with heavy pants but she couldn't hear the monkey behind her and Pan wasn't urging her on. They must be safe for a moment.

"Let's get into the streets, they won't expect that."

She scurried towards the boxes, only to be met with a loud growl and vicious fangs. Lyra screeched, losing her balance immediately and falling off the roof.

Right into her father's arms.

She blinked up at her father, his thunderous expression and savage eyes shooting fear into her stomach. Pan whimpered as a wildcat in front of Stelmaria, bowed down and ears flattened. Lyra gave a shaky smile.

"Hello father, thank you for catching me."

-

It hurt Lyra to sit down, and she kept shifting about to try and find a more comfortable position. It didn't surprise her, though, and she'd dealt with it before. Father had been absolutely furious and hadn't let her go the whole way home. Lyra knew what to expect, she'd angered her father this much before, so she'd sat through the shouting and everything else with little more than a sullen look. She knew she deserved it even if she wasn't sorry.

Now they sat in the sitting room, Father having calmed down somewhat. He was still mad at her, she could tell, but he wasn't going to smack her anymore. Her parents had chosen to sit together on a couch and had practically glared Lyra into the seat closest to opposite it. Rather was lounged back, legs wide and arm around the back of the chair. Like a King waiting to dish out a punishment to his people. Mother, on the other hand, perched on the edge and leant towards Lyra.

Lyra got the impression Mother was going to do the talking and Father had chosen his position to look intimidating in the back. She shivered. It was working. Pan was hidden flush against her to avoid that golden monkey. She could endure her father's punishment but not Pan getting hurt again.

"Now, Lyra," Mother's clear voice hardly concealed her own anger, cold and calculative whereas her father’s had been hot and raw. "Care to tell us what you did wrong today."

Lyra resisted the urge to roll her eyes because she knew Mother was looking for any reason to punish her further. "I ran away from you, climbed on the roofs and threw rocks at you."

"And?"

"I made us look bad."

"That's right," Mother glanced at Father, whose lips had twisted into a smirk as if it would hide the heat burning at the surface. "Your father told me you didn't apologise for it."

"I didn't," Lyra sat up straighter, gaze fierce and refusing to look away from the deadly looks they both gave her. "And I e'nt going to."

"And why is that?" Mother's voice trembled with barely suppressed fury. Pan squeaked and pressed further against Lyra as the golden monkey began to stalk towards them.

But Lyra refused to back down. "Cause you was ignoring me."

"What did you say?"

"You was ignoring me." Lyra knew the question as a threat but said it again anyway, refusing to look away. "We was supposed to be going out as a family but neither of you would even look at me. You could've just left me behind if you didn't want me there." Her voice shook slightly, suddenly feeling herself deflate as she put into words why she'd acted out. "It upset me. I thought we was gonna have a nice time together but you was just in your own world without me." She hated herself for the tears that welled up in her eyes. "I just wanted your attention. I hoped you would follow me. That's why I did it, it e'nt just cause I wanted to make trouble."

She was surprised her parents let her go on for so long, wiping away her tears and looking down at her lap.

"Lyra, you know this doesn't excuse your behaviour?"

Lyra gave a firm nod. "I'll accept any punishment."

Father gave a sharp laugh at that, receiving a sharp elbow in his side from Mother. They frowned at each other. "Good. Go to your room and clean yourself up, your father and I need to talk now. I will come see you later."

Lyra nodded, getting up with a wince and holding Pan to her chest. She could tell they were still angry but they were at least thinking about what they said. That was what mattered.

She could deal with it if they didn't ignore her like that again.

-

She wasn't allowed to leave the Manor to play for the next two weeks and went to bed without supper that night.

-

After father's first visit home, her life quickly fell into a boring routine in the months that followed. Tutelage with Mother, playing back at Jordan College a few days a week and dinner together (and with father when she's back). In the time she's been staying there father has only been home for a month and she can count the times she spent alone with him on one hand.

When he's home she gets more time alone, time to sneak for or to explore the large Manor for all its nooks and crannies. But she also has to listen to their fights and avoid whichever parent is the most angry.

Not to mention the one time she walks in on them making up after a fight. That's not something she'll ever unsee (she's just glad they didn't notice her).

But when he's gone Mother is more clingy and more strict. Some days she has to walk as if she's on a tightrope about to snap at any moment. Others she just has to let her mother shower her with affection.

Most of the time her anger isn't really because of Lyra. It's because of father and Lyra just pushes a little too much, and she goes over the edge.

They're angry at each other for more than half the time. Lyra really doesn't understand it or why they choose to be together. She knows it certainly isn't for her, for they could've left her in Jordan college. Maybe it's some strange adult thing but that doesn't seem right. She considers asking Mother but decides against it.

She managed to get away on the half a year anniversary of moving in with them. She'd kept track because it seemed like an important occasion, finding her parents. Of course father is away again and mother is busy with guests all day. They wouldn't find it important, anyway, she knows that. But she does.

That's not the only reason today is important, but she tries not to feel sad that they forgot that too.

She lets her Mother know she's going out to play of course (well her Daemon, which is strange because he doesn't talk to her but he'll pass on the message). Today she has no intention of coming home for dinner. Mother will have multiple people over and had told her she was to eat by herself anyway. She wouldn't be missed.

Lyra was very glad she's managed to convince her mother to let her keep her old clothes from Oxford and the practical boots she loved. She'd even managed to convince her to buy her a few more shirts and pinafore style dresses, ones which much more freedom than what Mother would like her to wear. Or course she wears the more restrictive ones when requested but even around the house she tends to wear those with freedom of movement.

It was a pleasant day, the sun high in the sky with only a little bit of chill. However, it had rained that day before and the path towards Oxford itself was muddy. She wasn't looking forward to having to get back in the Manor without traipsing mud through the house.

She walked quickly, heading straight for the kitchen when she reached Jordan College. She wanted to see Roger right away and drag him off to spend the day with her. Before she could get in, however, she was stopped by Bernie the pastry cook. He was one of the friendlier faces in the kitchen and one much less likely to give her a clip over the ear.

"Roger e'nt free right now, Lyra, be on your way."

She scowled at that, about to open her mouth and give him her mind on that. Of all the days for them to keep Roger!

"But we're letting him off the dinner shift. You can see 'im then."

Lyra blinked, scowl fading as his words placated her. It sucked to not see him right now but spending dinner with Roger was far more appealing than alone. "Thanks."

She ran away from the kitchen, pulling herself up on the roof to get a better view of her surroundings. She glanced around, eyes zoning in on the canal. There were a few gyptian boats milling about but there was on specific one she was looking for. Yes, there they were! She grinned.

It didn't take her long to reach the water, waving to a few of the townies she knew on her way through. The gyptian kids were milling about on land in small groups and she skipped up to one.

"Hiya, Billy," she grinned.

"Lyra," he looked slightly shocked to see her, then smiled back. "You e'nt been around recently."

"Been busy, y'know, exploring with my father," the lies fell easily from her lips. Soon she was telling grand tales of what she'd been doing in the last month, all fabricated based off the letters they'd gotten from father. The other children were enraptured, listening with wide eyes and mouths.

She was in the middle of a story about how her father had fought an armoured bear when she was interrupted.

"Billy, Ma wants you inside," Tony Costa shooed his younger brother towards the boat. He was just a bit older than Lyra and Billy, but old enough that he counted himself as a near adult. Not that his daemon had settled yet.

"Tony Costa," she raised an eyebrow, Pan mimicking his daemons current hawk form on her shoulder. "Wasn't very nice to interrupt my story."

Tony laughed slightly. "Can't have you telling em all in one go, Lyra. Anyway we was hoping you'd come by today."

Her eyes lit up slightly, a grin alighting her lips. "You was?"

"Ay, ma's got something special for you now. C'mon I'm sure it's done by now."

Somewhat warily, but also full of excitement, Lyra followed him into the Costa's boat. She liked Ma Costa greatly, and was good friends with her sons, but she also feared her. There had been a few times when her pranks on the gyptians had gone too far and Ma Costa had been the one to catch her. She was a tough woman. Lyra respected her and some part of her wanted to be like her. She'd been the closest thing she'd had to a mother figure for years.

"Oh, Lyra, it's lovely to see you," Ma Costa smiled, bright and welcoming, pulling her into a hug. "You're looking well. I'm surprised you e'nt with your own Ma today."

"She's busy," Lyra shrugged as if it didn't bother her, Pan curling around her neck with a slight whimper than almost gave her true feelings away. "Roger's busy too till dinner."

"Well you can spend the afternoon with us."

"You e'nt going to out me to work are you?"

Ma Costa laughed, full and hearty in a way that warmed Lyra's heart. "Course not, not today. Now you sit down. Billy! Get Lyra something to drink. And Tony, come help me."

Billy scurried off, coming back with a cup of milk and leading Lyra to sit down at the small table on their boat. She could just about see Ma Costa and Tony from here but she couldn't make out what they were doing. Instead she turned her attention back to Billy as he showed her some new wooden boat he'd got a few weeks back.

They were in the middle of an intense game of boat war when footsteps approached. She looked up, eyes widening as Ma Costa set a cake down in front of her. It was a simple sponge cake with messy icing on it, but to Lyra it looks more delectable than the fancy cakes her mother occasionally brought home.

"Happy Birthday, Lyra." The sentiment was echoed by her two grinning children. "It e'nt much cause I e'nt a Baker but I hope you like- Are you alright, dear?"

She started crying, Pan rubbing against her face in a similar state. It was the happy kind as her chest filled with warm and tears streamed down her cheeks. She didn't know what had come over her. "I didn't think anyone remembered."

"Oh, Lyra," Ma Costa pulled her into a tight hug and Lyra hugged her back, grasping to her and letting the tears out. She felt so loved and accepted. She always had, here. "Of course we remembered. C'mon, cheer up and eat your cake."

She pulled back with a watery smile and nodded, digging in.

-

Roger managed to secure them a small feast for their dinner. They took it up to her room, which had been left as it was (why she didn't know), along with a bottle of wine Lyra had stolen on the way back.

"To your birthday," Roger grinned, holding up a glass. Lyra clinked hers to it and knocked back some of the wine. It was vile but it made her feel like more of an adult. Then they dug in.

Lyra was filled which such a happiness at this, the row of them together. It was how they'd always celebrated their birthdays. When you were an orphan the day you were born wasn't so important to anyone else. But they were important to each other. So they'd always sneak away with food and spend the whole evening in Lyra's room, laughing and drinking.

"I thought for sure you wasn't gonna come this time," Roger commented as they both lay on her bed, stomach full. Their Daemons lay between them similarly content.

"Father's up North and mother was busy," Lyra confessed, turning to gave her best friend. "I think she forgot or maybe doesn't even know. Y'know it's also be half a year since they told me. Not that they'd care about that either."

"I'm sorry, Lyra, they e'nt being good to you."

"It's fine. Cause I wouldn't have gotten to see you otherwise." That was true, though it still hurt so much that her parents didn't care. Sometimes (often) she still thought it would've been better if she'd just stayed here. Roger was the only one who truly cared for her.

"Well I'll always spend your birthday with you," Roger smiled. "Promise."

"And I'll spend yours with you, just like we always have. Promise."

The shared happy grins and long hug before Lyra sat up. "I want to play on the roofs."

Roger rolled his eyes. "Of course you do."

"It's my birthday we do what I want!"

Roger smiled at that. It was true, and he was quite happy to go out on the roof with her if she wanted to. He'd follow her to the ends of the world if he had to.

Lyra took his silence as a yes, grabbing his hand and dragging him out the window.

-

By the time Lyra got home the sun had almost set. She snuck around the house, peering into the downstairs sitting room where mother hosted guests. She was still there with three middle aged men, glass of wine in her hand and charming smile on her lips. Perfect. She probably didn't even realise Lyra was gone.

She decided against going through the front doors because they were too heavy for her to open quietly. Instead she scaled the wall on the opposite side, easily finding all the hand and foot holds to help her up. She'd only managed to climb about the Manor once or twice thanks to Mother's watching gaze but years of experience made it easily.

She let out a deep breath as she tumbled through her window and onto her bed. She closed it and took off her shoes before collapsing on the bed.

"I'm sure mother will think we've been home this whole time," she grinned to Pan.

"It's much easier when that golden monkey isn't constantly watching us."

Lyra nodded. "It was too easy, she won't even know how I got in."

"And exactly how was that, Lyra?" Smooth, melodic words caused her to freeze and slowly turned her head to the bedroom door.

"Good evening, mother," she quickly relaxed and pulled on her most sickly sweet, flattering smile. "I was just saying that you seemed so engaged with your guests that you probably didn't notice when I came in the front door. It's oh so loud but you seemed so very... Engaging."

"Hmm, is that so," Mother smiled, running a hand along the end of her bed before coming to a stop in front of Lyra. "How was your day, dear? You seem much less mud covered than normal."

Lyra blushed slightly, but forced herself politely answer. "Very nice. I played with some gyptian children and then I had dinner with Roger then we-"

She stopped, freezing as Mother's smile widened. She'd been caught. She'd admitted straight out to not being home in time for dinner. It hadn't even taken much. Just a single question and the shock of Mother being so nice, lulling her into a sense of safety. The practiced liar in her was ashamed.

"Well, I'm glad you had a nice time," the continued sweetness was more confusing, as was the kiss placed on her brow. Though the glitter in her mother's eyes said that she was going to store this for some later point. Lyra was sure of that. "I'm sure it's been a long day so you should get some rest."

"Okay." she was far too confused to argue.

"Sleep well, Lyra." A hug and another kiss to her head, then Mother was gone.

Lyra shook her head, getting changed and crawling into bed.

"Maybe she did remember our birthday," Pan commented, just as uncertain as Lyra was. "That's why she wasn't mad."

"She would've said happy birthday at least," Lyra frowned, even more hurt at the thought mother might've remembered and not said anything. "She should've said something if she knew."

"I don't know then."

Lyra shrugged. "No point worrying."

She'd think about it the next morning, and decide what route to take on her anger towards her parents forgetting. For she held out hope till the very last minute that they wouldn't have. All she wanted was them to wish her a happy birthday.

And that was what she was going to tell them the next day.

-

The first unusual thing to happen the next day was that she was woken up by Mother, rather than one of the servants. She is woken with a hug and her face peppered with kisses. The monkey even gently strokes Pan's fur though she can feel his displeasure through their bond.

The second unusual thing was when they had pancakes for breakfast, freshly made by their cook. Mother didn't complain when Lyra grabbed a full stack and drizzled all sorts of unhealthy stuff over it. She wondered how far she could push this sudden good natured mother. There had to be a catch. At her core her mother did things to get something out of it herself. At least that was what Lyra had discovered over the time she'd lived with her.

The third, and most unusual thing of all was the presents stacked on the mahogany table in the sitting room. Lyra stared at them in confusion but allowed her mother to lead her over there with a gentle hand to her back. Pan hopped onto the table to inspect them.

"Happy birthday, Lyra," Mother smiled, sitting down on the floor beside the present table. She opened her arms and Lyra sat down with her, allowing her mother to wrap her arms around her. "These are all from your Father and I, though he can't be here today. And that one," she pointed to a smaller one in the corner. "Is from Thorold."

She looked at Lyra now, brow furrowing at her daughters silence. Surely most girls her age would be giddy with excitement by now. Perhaps she thought the amount of presents was too small? She'd had to restrain herself from buying much more and spoiling Lyra rotten, for she wasn't sure how she would take that.

"Are there not enough?"

"My birthday was yesterday," Lyra finally found her voice through the shock. In a way this explained why mother had been so forgiving the day before and so nice this morning. Yesterday she must have thought Lyra was seeing her friends the day before her birthday so she could spend the day herself with her Mother.

But her birthday had been yesterday, not today, right?

"I think I'd know when your birthday is, dear," Mother gave her a funny look. "Who told you it was yesterday."

"The Master," Lyra suddenly wasn't so sure. "Who was told by father."

Mother pursed her lips. "Of course your good for nothing father got the day wrong."

Lyra wanted to argue that he wasn't good for nothing, he was an explorer making amazing discoveries (she assumed), but she knew it was best not to argue with Mother. Instead she settled for saying, "I thought you'd forgotten."

"Of course not! I'd never forget my darling daughter's birthday."

“Oh,” Lyra’s mouth formed a small circle as it fully dawned on her that all her hurt feelings for yesterday were for nothing. Those she’d had towards Mother, at least. The fact that Father had got her birthday wrong all those years ago and she’d been celebrating a day early hurt even more. “I celebrated yesterday.”

Mother tightened the hug she’d held Lyra in since they’d both sat down, grip almost vice like. Lyra hesitated before resting her head against her. “Yesterday was an early celebration with friends. Today will be a proper celebration with mummy. Does that sound good?”

Lyra nodded, smiling up at her. Because it did, it really did. She’d been so upset yesterday when she thought Mother had forgotten. It was her first with a family and she’d hoped to celebrate it as one. Turned out she still got to.

Smiling back, Mother dropped a kiss to the top of her head. “Now, shall we open your presents?”

-

"Sorry I wasn't there for your birthday," Asriel collapsed on the armchair beside Lyra, surprising her. She didn't think she'd ever heard him apologised.

She eyed him with suspicion from where she sat on the floor, looking at maps and trying to learn how to navigate them. "E'nt you sorry you got my birthday wrong for eight years."

Asriel chuckled, leaning over to ruffle her hair. She frowned only growing more suspicious. Her father had been in a foul mood when he'd arrived back the night before but now he seemed so cheerful. What had changed?

"You're mother started her labour the day before, I just mixed up the two," he shrugged.

"I always knew you were wrong," Stelmaria commented smugly, stretching out in front of the fire. Pan crept over before hesitantly curling up on her. Lyra sighed softly at the peacefulness that flooded through him.

"if you did, you never told me," Asriel let a light smirk settle on his lips, much more familiar to Lyra than his previous expression, and leaned over to her. "And what are you doing, child?"

"Map reading e'nt it obvious."

A slight narrowing of the eyes at her cheek but nothing more. Yes, she could definitely get away with plenty today. "Did your mother teach you that?"

"A little," she admitted. "But I mostly learnt from books I found. Mother things other things are more important to learn."

"You're mother is right that your education was sorely lacking."

Lyra pulled a face. "Tis all so boring I e'nt interested at all. Not like map reading."

"Hmm, well show me how far you've come with that."

Lyra's face instantly brightened at his attention, so rare for her to hold it for this long. And it wasn't even about him or his adventures this time! It was about her. He was interested in her.

So she started talking, fasted and excited with her hands flying everywhere. She described the route she'd planned out and all the things she'd do along it. She showed him how she read a compass and told tales of what she'd seen. He humoured her for that, pointing out some of her mistakes and praising where she was right. By the end Lyra was practically glowing, chest puffed out like a peacock.

"So when you gonna take me north?"

"Not yet, Lyra," he responded gently, sighing at her look of disappointment. "You're too young and your mother would never allow it. I will take you in a year or two, I promise."

Lyra nodded, keeping in mind to hold him to that promise. She wouldn't let it be like the times before when he promised something and never delivered.

"When are you going away again?"

"In a few weeks." Seeing her pout in response, he continued. "I shall only be gone a month then I will be back for longer."

"Really?"

"Would I lie to you?"

Yes, Lyra thinks, but she responds with no.

-

A few days before father left again, they traveled to London. They took a zeppelin and Lyra tried to (and fails) not to act like an excited child watching the scenery move below her. She stood staring out the window with her mouth agape, Pan on her shoulder with similar wonder.

Her parent's just looked slightly amused by her antics, but mostly they're ignoring her. They talked in low whispers with hands held and Father's arm around Mother's shoulders. Lyra didn't mind, because it's nice that they weren't fighting. They had done just a few nights before and it had been terrible.

She was excited to go to London but there was also a hint of fear that she tried to quench. She'd never left Oxford before. Moving into the Manor didn't count for it was hardly far away. London was a whole different thing. Another city entirely. They were only going for a few days but Lyra was planning to make the most of it.

Imagine the buildings she could climb, if her parents allowed her to!

She couldn't help the excited torrent of conversation once they landed, gaping over the tall buildings and asking what every important looking one was. Her parents humoured her as they led her to where they got picked up and taken to the flat they were staying in.

It was so incredibly different from the Manor. It was so modern with a golden lift that led up to it and the most up to date style. She went to run around and explore, but was stopped by Mother's firm grip on her shoulder.

"I'll show you your room, I had it done specially for you," she smiled. Lyra wasn't at all surprised that Mother was in charge of this flat, for there was no way Father would design or choose something like this. She followed her Mother to her room and let out a slight gasp.

It was more mature than her room at home, with a large double bed covered in blue silk sheets. The walls were a similar shade of blue with paintings of snowy landscapes and twinkling Northern stars on them. A desk was neatly set up with some work books (ugh) and there was a wide window overlooking the street below.

She turned around to hug her mother before flopping on the bed. It was so comfortable! She couldn't believe how nice it felt, even compared to the one she had in the manner.

"I wonder if Mother would consider moving her," she whispered conspiratorially to Pan when Mother had left the doorway. "It's so nice!"

Pan gave her a skeptical look. "All our friends are in Oxford. And it seems far too dangerous to climb here."

"Nonsense!" Lyra hopped up, going over to the window to prove her Daemon wrong. She tried to pull it open, frowning as it rattled but refused to budge. She pulled it again with all her strength. Nothing.

"It's locked," Pan stated the obvious.

Lyra frowned, resolving to find the key later. If mother had a study here then it was almost definitely in there. "We'll find a way to open it."

"Don't do anything reckless," Pan hissed, hopping up onto her shoulder as she walked out the room as if that would somehow stop her.

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not gonna do anything right now." True to her word she didn't even look at the study door, entering the sitting room and flopping down next to Mother. Father was nowhere in sight. She rested her head on Mother's shoulder with a soft sigh.

"What do you want?" Mother didn't even look up from what she was reading.

"Nothing," Lyra gave her best offended look. "Why would I want something."

"Mmm, you normally are only so close to be when you are very sad, happy or you want something. Since you seem perfectly calm it must be that."

Lyra pouted. Took one to know one, she guessed. She'd seen how Mother had people wrapped around her little finger whenever she had them over. Lyra just manipulated people in a different way, always had a bit. Must've gotten it from Mother.

"Well, what is it?"

"Why's my bedroom window locked?"

Mother put down the letters to finally look at Lyra, frown stern. "We don't want a repeat of what happened a few months ago to happen here in London, do we?"

Lyra shook her head while beginning to come up with a plan to get a key.

"Now, I'll show you around the rest of the flat then we must go buy you a new dress. You shall attend the party I'm hosting tomorrow. It's about time we introduced you and you must be the most beautiful in the room, second only to me."

Lyra grumbled, resisting telling her Mother how ridiculous it was to want her nine year old daughter to be more beautiful than other grown women. She was a child! She didn't want to look beautiful.

But she knew once Mother's mind was set there was no changing it, so she would just have to bear with it.

-

Lyra watched as her Mother worked the room in awe. She flitted between groups with a compliment, endearing smile and melodic laughter. Each time she soon commanded everyone's attention and had them eating her every word. Sometimes it took the barring of her eyelashes and slightly pouted lips, but they all easily fell under her.

The young girl watched intently, trying to commit it all to memory to copy.

Her Father also commanded attention as much as Mother did but in another way entirely. His voice carried across the room as he told of his feats across the world and of all his recent discoveries. He was bold and brash where Mother was soft and subtle, but it worked just as well. He had an air of command to him and one that dictated that people must pay attention to him.

Lyra didn't bother to remember how he was doing it for she knew she couldn't pull it off.

Still, even for all the entertainment she gets from watching and learning she'd much rather not be here. There are so many people, most of them old stuffy men. She knows her parents only put up with most of them to get something, like money. She doesn't have that motivation.

Pan is just as agitated as her, curled around her neck and flinched at every other Daemon that gets nearby as if their going to go at him. Lyra has no problem with large crowds but this... Is different. Here she feels judgment and watched for her every move. She hates it. She hates the stuffiness.

She feels her mother's gaze on her, but before she can come drag her into polite conversation Lyra slips out onto the balcony. At least here she can breath the fresh air rather than perfume and cologne. It's much quieter too, the frigid breeze discouraging most others. Lyra never minded a little bit of the cold. She shuffles into the corner, making herself as look so horribly boring that no one will give her a second glance. Pan jumps onto the wall she's leaning on with a soft sigh.

"I hope we don't have to do this too often."

"Only once, then never again," Lyra declared quietly. "I shan't let them force me into it again. I will just stay back in Oxford if coming to London means going to these events."

"Don't let your Mother hear that," a soft chuckle and a gentle brush of fur against her legs. She gulps and looks up to Father with wide eyes, fearful at being caught. He smirks. "Don't worry, I shan't tell your mother. I never liked these occasions when I was your age."

"You do now?"

"I endure them to get what I want," Asriel turned sideways to both face her and block her from curious glances. "Your mother is the one that thrives at these events. It's her natural habitat, a place where she can weave her stories and ensnare her prey."

They both looked inside to where she was laughing away to an important looking man, hand gently resting on his arm. From the way he was looking at her and talking it was clear she'd won him over.

"You don't get jealous?" Lyra looked back to her father, who was still staring at his wife.

"Of course not," he snorted, lips curved into a disdainful smile as if the thought was beneath him. "Nobody else could give your mother what she wants. She knows that and I know that. No, they're just her victims. They can never compare to me."

"You e'nt even a little bit worried?"

Asriel smiled, softer than she thought possible, and patted her head. "Not even a little bit. You'll understand when you're older."

Lyra didn't think that she would but she nodded anyway. She certainly had no clue now.

They're still looking inside when Mother spins around, catching their eyes and a wide smile gracing her lips. With the slightest of movements she beckoned to them.

"Looks like we've been spotted," Asriel sighed, gently nudging Lyra to the door. "We'd better join your mother before she rips our heads off."

Lyra laughed at the violent description Asriel gives, knowing he wouldn't dare speak like that to her in front of Mother. She's not sure if he's actually joking but she finds it funny anyway.

-

Marisa was, quite frankly, exhausted once the last guest had left and Lyra was seen to bed. Tucking in her adorable little daughter, flushed with tiredness, gave her just a little energy back.

She accepted the Tokay from Asriel as she collapsed in bed (elegantly) beside him.

"Well that was rather a success," he drawled, clinking their glasses together.

"Quite," she smiled, smug and oh so pleased with herself. She'd secured funding and meetings with the Magisterium, something she'd expected to take much longer to do. "Things shall be much easier for us from now on."

"Then tonight calls for a celebration," he smirked as he sipped from his glass, watching Marisa intently. Unlike him, she took a deep gulp, enjoying the buzz and warmth it gave her.

"I'm far too tired tonight, Asriel."

"Oh really," Asriel hummed, smirk deepening as a hand lightly ran up her leg to rest on her thigh. She shivered as he gave it a slight squeeze. "I guess we could just go to sleep."

"Yes, please," she finished her drink and refused to give in to the different warmth she felt. It was always a tug of war between the two of them and she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of being that easy.

"A goodnight kiss, then," he leaned in painfully slowly, breath smelling of the drink he'd just finished. Then their lips met and it was anything but slow, his tongue instantly pushing in and demanding submission. She moaned slightly, melting against him as he wrapped his arms around her, then bit his lip hard. He hissed and she pulled back.

"Lyra is next door."

"Fast asleep, I presume?" Asriel ran his hands up and down her back, sinfully slow and never quite low enough. She gripped his shoulders.

"Yes, she was exhausted, but-"

He interrupted her with a quick kiss. "Then there's no problem, unless you think you shall be so loud you'll awaken our daughter."

She dug her nails into his back, failing to remove the smug glint in his eyes. "That will never happen."

"We shall see." Then his lips are on her again in a sinful fight for dominance, aggressive and unrestrained. His hands reached lower to pull her into his lap and digs her hands into his shoulders. They withdraw from each for a moment only to remove Asriel's shirt and to hitch up Marisa's dress. Then their lips clash against, bodies rubbing against each other.

Marisa had to hold back the moan in her throat, absolutely refusing to give him the pleasure. How he always manages to make her feel so good she doesn't know.

His mouth had fallen to his neck, sucking and biting and sending the most pleasurable sensations through her body. Stelmaria is doing similar to her monkey, pinning him with raking nails and light teeth.

A yelp and the sound of someone banging their head in the vents caused them both to stop, pulling apart.

"Who's there," Asriel demanded. Marisa silently got off his lap, pulling down her dress and reaching for the gun she keeps in a drawer next to the bed.

Silence.

Asriel is standing now too, muscles tensing and Stelmaria pacing in front of him. With a flick of her head her daemon stalks towards the vent opening, hissing and jumping up to pull the intruder out.

With a pained cry Lyra is dragged out, landing in a heap on the floor. Pan falls out on top of her. She sits up, rubbing her head and looking at her parents with shock.

A cocktail of emotions is spiking through Marisa, any precious lust gone and replaced. Shock is the forefront. She had been sure it was an intruder. She could have shot her own daughter.

Asriel acted first, mouth a harsh line as he grabbed Lyra by the shoulders and pulled her to her feet. "What the hell were you doing in the vents, girl? Is sneaking around at night a new interest of yours."

"Ow, Father, you're hurting me," Lyra squealed as Asriel's fingers dug into her shoulders.

"Well?" He gave her a shake for good measure.

"I couldn't sleep so me and Pan was looking around my room when we found one of the vent covers was loose. So we removed it and decided to explore."

Asriel let go of her and she winced, rubbing her arms. "Never, ever, do something like that again."

Lyra nodded, eyes still wide. "I won't, I promise, I didn't mean to sneak on you."

Marisa was still getting over the shock of what their daughter had caught them doing, embarrassment and guilt flooding to the forefront of her mind. She was glad that Asriel seemed much less affected and had dealt with it without her needing to speak.

"Go to bed, Lyra," Asriel said firmly, giving her a gentle push towards the door. They would have to speak to her in the morning about it again, to make sure the message go through to not do that, but for now it was far too late. And for once she hadn't endangered herself (or their reputation) so they couldn't be incredibly mad at their curious child.

Marisa was still horrible embarrassed. She knew her daughter would find out about these things one day but she had never wanted it to be visually. She'd expected to have to sit down and give her a talk about it, and had dreaded that. But this was much much worse. She was glad they hadn't gotten much further.

As she edged to the door, Lyra look at her with wide knowing eyes. "Don't feel ashamed, Mother, I've seen you like that before."

Marisa's eyes widened a fraction and her golden monkey froze, hands tight around the cupboard he was on showing her feelings much more than she did. She heard a sharp intake of breath from Asriel.

"GO to bed. Now." She let all her frustration out in those sharp, bitten out words. Lyra was quick to scurry away.

"Sleep, then," Asriel asked softly, wrapping an arm around her.

"Yes, the mood is quite gone," Marisa murmured, leaning her head against him. "That child will be the death of me."

"That makes two of us," Asriel chuckled before leading her to bed.

-

Mother hadn't left her side for a week. Or, more accurately, hadn't allowed Lyra to leave her side.

She had been shocked the first night after Father had gone up North when Mother had come into her room, softly whispering for her daughter to go back to sleep and climbing into bed with her.

After that night she'd taken to sleeping in Mother's room. The bed was far bigger and the pillow she used smelled slightly like her father. It was comforting. Pan was more cautious about it, still sleeping curled up around Lyra rather than at the foot of the bed with the Golden Monkey. But Lyra, on the other hand, found it quite easy to sleep in the same bed as her mother.

"Mother, I want to go to Jordan College today. I e'nt seen my friends in ages." She asked in the morning, in the lull when her mother in especially kind and pliant. They have both just woken up and Lyra allows her mother to hug her before she reads the newspaper, Lyra curled up beside her.

"I haven't seen," Mother corrected her. She was trying to force the Oxford accent out of Lyra, but wasn't getting anywhere.

"Well, I haven't seen them and I want to today."

Her mother considered her, looking down at the small girl curled up beside her before letting out a soft sigh. "I suppose we shall have to go, then."

"We?"

"I have some business at the college, so it is sensible that we both go at the same time."

It did seem the smart thing to do and it meant Lyra wouldn't have to walk there. That was definitely an upside. She didn’t mind walking but sometimes it got tiring.

Of course, Lyra had to wait ages for Mother to get ready. It took her absolutely no time to get dressed and she even brushed her hair for once! But of course Mother had to style her hair, choose an outfit and do her makeup. Lyra watched from the end of Mother’s bed with an impatient frown, Pan frantically hoping about to the glares of both Mother and her daemon.

Maybe she should’ve gone alone! It would have been much faster. But she also knew that Mother wouldn’t let her now that she’d agreed for them to go together.

They eventually arrived at Jordan College and a hand grabbed Lyra’s shoulder before she could run off. She turned back with a ferocious glare. She’d already had to wait so long to get here!

Mother wasn’t deterred. She bent down slightly and Lyra held in a sigh, getting up on her tiptoes to kiss her cheek.

“No playing outside of the College today, Lyra.” Mother’s grip was slightly tighter on her shoulder and Lyra pulled against it.

“I won’t, just the grounds,” she promised, letting out a sigh of relief when Mother let her go and shooed her away.

“She’s becoming more controlling of us,” Pan whispered in her ear as she ran towards the kitchens.

“No she e’nt, Pan, you’re just paranoid! Tis normal for her to worry and not want me to run about the streets.”

“It never stopped us before.”

“Who said it was going to stop us?”

In the end, it wasn’t the promise to Mother that stopped Lyra running rampant in the streets. Instead it was Roger. He could play with her but he had to be back earlier to help with dinner. Only a few of the other servants children were around, anyway, so Lyra couldn’t go with them either. Not that she’d even consider abandoning Roger (only a little bit, because there was war to be had, but war could wait).

“You e’nt telling the truth,” Roger frowned at Lyra, who perched on a higher section of the roof than him. They’d spent the past hour just running across the roofs, shouting at each other and spitting plum seeds at some of the scholars. It was like their reign of terror over the small world of Oxford had never ended. It hadn’t, Lyra told herself, she just was there less frequently.

“I am,” she responded matter of factly.

“There’s no way your Father is single handedly fighting a war against the armoured bears. They’re armoured bears, Lyra!”

“He is. I’ve seen one of the skulls that he brought back! It was as big as me. He told me he killed it and told me all about what he was doing.”

“E’nt he an explorer? Why were he fighting then?”

“Cause they was hiding secrets he wanted, of course,” Lyra lied easily, grinning. “And they wasn’t giving them to him. So he had to fight em all to get their knowledge.”

“What did he find out?” Roger was wide eyed, leaning in at the story.

“I dunno, he hasn’t told me, said I was too young,” Lyra shrugged one shoulder. “But he said he was going to take me with him next time! I’ll learn how to fight armoured bears too.”

“No way,” Roger shook his head. “He e’nt.”

“Is too, you’ll see.”

“You’re dreaming, Lyra, he e’nt taking you up North,” he laughed, though it was in good nature. Lyra frowned at him. “I dunno why you want to go so desperately. It’s cold and miserable up there. Here we have warm beds, food and _no armoured bears_.”

“You’re just a coward,” she rolled her eyes.

“And proud of it,” he grinned.

“But think of all the adventure, Roger! We could explore lands that no one else had seen, just us!”

“And your father.”

Lyra waved that off. “One day just us! We’d be the best explorer duo.”

“I’ll let you be the explorer, Lyra, it e’nt for me. I’ll come with you cause someone’ll need to cook for you.”

“As long as you come.” Lyra grinned, gaze switching to where Pan was glaring over the roof. She joined him, eyes narrowed as she spotted Mother finishing a conversation with the Master. A moment later Mother had spotted her with a smile and a slight wave.

“Lyra, dear, come down here and help me with something before we leave.”

Lyra glanced back at Roger, who shrugged. She wondered what Mother wanted help with. If they were already heading back did that mean she’d gotten what she wanted? Lyra wondered what it was. If Mother was in a good mood maybe she’d let Lyra buy some cakes on the way home. That would be nice.

“See you.” She barely glanced back at Roger before making her way down to her mother.

Roger watched her go with a tilted head and a slight frown. She didn’t normally leave so easily unless threatened by the Housekeeper. Least she never had before. Normally Roger had to drag her back cause he had somewhere to be. It was strange. Not that he’d know what it was like to have a mother calling him. Maybe that was the difference.

He put the thought to the back of the mind, cause he wasn’t the thinking sort. It was probably nothing.


	3. Just Go On, Go On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit of a mess but please bear with it xD I struggled to get all my ideas written. Next chapter probably won't be for two weeks?
> 
> Also comments are always appreciated!!

To say Lyra was annoyed when she got kicked back out into her own room was an understatement. 

She'd spent the last three months sleeping in with Mother so of course she'd been unhappy when she was told, in a bored tone, "no, dear, your father his home so you must sleep in your own bed." 

She saw how it was. She was just a replacement for Mother's loneliness when Father was away. He'd even been gone three times longer than he said! Yet he was welcomed with open arms by Mother. Lyra was the one who'd been pushed to the side. She'd been there with Mother the whole time. 

She lay in bed, fuming and unable to sleep. Pan had turned into a large dog in order to try to help but it had just made her bed far too cramped. And it wasn't the same. 

"It's not fair," she muttered to him as she rolled over again. "One day she wants me with her the next she don't care."

"Dunno what you expected," Pan responded softly, flickering between forms to try and find one comfortable for them both so they could get to sleep. "It was always only going to be until he was home." 

"I don't know!" Lyra let out a frustrated hiss, burying her face into her pillow. "I e'nt stupid, I knew that too. I just..." She didn't know how to express the despair she felt, so irrational. The feeling of being replaced. But it didn't make sense. It had always been Mother, Father and her. Father wasn't replacing her so why did it feel like it? She didn't understand. 

"I miss it too," Pan mumbled, nuzzling against her. "The beds more comfortable." 

Lyra's lips quirked up into a smile. "It is, isn't it. That must be why." 

"Definitely the reason we're upset over it. Nothing else." 

She laughed softly against him, hugging her Daemon close. He'd certainly never admit to having warmed up to the golden monkey. It was easier when he wasn't actively trying to harm Pan. He was still wary, just like Lyra was to Mother when she as in a mood, but she knew Pan secretly enjoyed the attention from her Daemon. Just like Lyra did from Mother. 

She shook her head furiously into the pillow. No, she didn't need her to sleep. She could sleep by herself! She had done so for most of her life. The time spent in Mother's bed was nothing compared to that. 

And she had Pan, anyway. 

-

Lyra felt much, much worse the next day. What little sleep she'd got had been feverish and dream filled. She shivered slightly. She'd managed to get through breakfast pretended to be perfectly fine and was glad that Mother didn't intend to teach her that day. 

She'd escaped the dining room as quickly as possible and collapsed on a chair with the boom she was in the middle of. She didn't much feel like reading, with a throbbing pain in her head, but she needed to do something to pass the time. She didn't have the energy to leave the Manor and she certainly didn't want company. 

She'd only managed to get through three pages in a fair amount of time when Father entered. She ignored him and he didn't make any effort to great her anyway as he sat down with his own book and some tea. 

She was surprised when Stelmaria sat in between them, gently rubbing her head against Lyra's leg. She dropped one hand to rub her head, gently running her hands through the thick fur there. It was comforting and her father's daemon let out a soft purr. 

Lyra didn't know what it was like in other families when it came to Daemon's. Mother's couldn't care less if someone else wanted to touch him and she knew Father occasionally did. She'd never wanted to. And she had seen Mother petting Stelmaria plenty of times. The snow leopard would rip the hand off anyone else who approached her, but it seemed fine when it was Mother. 

And Lyra, she guessed. Stelmaria had rubbed against her before but it had never been like this. 

It was nice. 

On the other hand, Pan bristled against her at the thought of someone else laying even a finger on him. Mother had tried once, when she'd slept in her room, and Pan had almost bit her finger off. She was quite sure he'd do the same to Father too. 

He was cautious even about other Daemon's touching him, if he didn't know them, so it made sense. 

Lyra had completely abandoned her book now, slipping off the chair to sit on the floor next to Stelmaria. Pan changed into a snow leopard himself and draped his body across Lyra's legs so his head rested on his mother (which Stelmaria essentially was, right). Lyra used one hand to run along his back, the other still on Stelmaria's head pressed against her side. 

She could sense that Father was looking at her from behind his book but she didn't care. It wasn't like he ever showed her affection, so she was going to take all she could from his Daemon. Eventually he grew bored of watching and went back to reading (tho more relaxed, probably because of the comfort Stel was feeling). 

Lyra closed her eyes and let herself relax. 

"There you both are." 

She jerked out of an almost asleep state, blinking open her eyes to watch as her Mother swept into the room. She sat delicately next to Father, leaning into him. Her Daemon crept over to them before sitting against Stel. 

Apart from watching her walk in Lyra didn't bother greeting her, annoyed that she'd been disturbed when she'd almost fallen asleep. She was even more grumpy now. A nap would've been incredibly nice. 

Pan huffed in her lap, just as irritated. He lifted himself up so his paws swung over Lyra's shoulder and his head rested next to hers. She leaned against him with a sigh, though slightly perturbed at taking the full weight of snow leopard Pan. But it was incredibly comforting so she could past that. 

There was a quiet laugh from her side and then Stelmaria slunk around Lyra, lying to allow her to lean against her comfortably. It allowed her to properly hug Pan to her and they both snuggled in against Stel. Lyra didn't even mind when the Golden monkey joined them, one hand gently playing with her hair. It was incredibly strange but she was filled with a warm sensation, surrounded by all the fur and comfort. 

She'd never relaxed with her parents like this. 

She couldn't see said parents giving her absolutely incredulous looks, thanks to Pan blocking off most of her vision. They were honestly confused by what was going on, tho Asriel had a much better idea of it than Marisa. He knew vaguely why Stelmaria was comforting his daughter from her, even if he didn't understand it. Marisa, on the other hand, had no clue for her Daemon had just wanted to join in. 

Lyra honestly couldn't care less what her parents were doing, face comfortably against Pan and a soft sigh leaving her lips. She was perfectly relaxed. She let her eyes slipped closed, not planning to sleep but merely enjoy the moment why she could.

"Lyra, dear, are you alright?" Mother eventually asked. 

"Yes." Lyra didn't feel like giving her more than a word in response. Their Daemons may be curled around her but she was still mad at Mother for throwing her out and ignoring her in favour of Father the night before. Really it was all her fault Lyra was so exhausted in the first place. 

Though she realised that the golden monkey was in the perfect position to yank on her hair or harm her in another way if Mother got mad. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes." 

She could sense her Mother's uncertainty in the way her Daemon faltered, but she let it go and went back to talking to Father. Lyra blocked out the words and let herself fall asleep for just a little while. 

-

Lyra had lost track of the amount of days she spent at Jordan College, rather than at home. Her parents were both busy, with her father continuing to secure funding and her mother taking days to travel to London. All in all, it meant they had very little time for Lyra. 

She pretended she didn't care, and that it didn't hurt when they sometimes chose to have dinner just the two of them. Without her. She had taken to staying at Jordan to have dinner after the first few times. The Master had welcomed her back for that, though not without some questioning. 

Mother had also questioned it, which had resulted in an argument. She had ended up allowing Lyra to have dinner at the college but only if she told Mother (her daemon now, mother was barely available for even that) that she was doing so. 

It was frustrating that she didn't have the time to spend with Lyra, but had it to check up on what she was doing. What did it matter if she stayed out a little longer? The restrictions were beginning to chafe on her. She hadn't noticed before, for she had been spending so much time with Mother it had barely been an issue. 

She tried not to let herself miss it. 

"Maybe I should move back here," she commented, lying in her room in Jordan College. Everything had been removed now apart from the bed and it was being used as a storage space. The master had said she was still welcome to go in it, however. 

"Less to worry about," Pan mumbled against her neck. They both knew it wasn't what they wanted, not one bit. They just wanted things to go back to what they were like. 

Before Father had returned. 

"I'm just so confused," Lyra groaned out. "I want to be here when I'm at home, I want to be at home when I'm here." 

Pan nuzzled against her comfortingly, before speaking softly. "It's the people not the place. We're here so often now we cannot spend every moment with Roger. But no one spends time with us at home." 

"They spend it around us, sometimes," Lyra sighed. 

"Not with us, though," Pan pointed out with a light hum. "Apart from Stel." 

Lyra smiled at that. In the recent weeks her father's daemon seemed to have taken to her, showing her more attention than Father ever had. It made her wonder how it worked out, for such a grumpy man to have a Daemon like her. Though, she guessed, Stel was solitary too most of the time. And you Daemon was part of your and often showed feelings you wanted hidden. 

But her father never showed it, so it was much easier to like Stel rather than him. Even if she still got a very judgmental vibe from the snow leopard, for she was still like Lyra's father. Just less intolerable. And Pan liked her very much. 

Lyra sat up suddenly, eyes blazing. "I e'nt going to just mope about all day. I'm gonna do something and just ignore it. No point worrying." 

Pan agreed with that. 

Lyra had never been one to just think about things, anyway, she'd always been one to do. Thinking and dreaming was absolutely pointless. But she didn't know how to act to fix how she felt. Instead she just ignore it and go about her life. Today, she thought, called for some mischief. Roger and the other servants may not be free but some of the townies would be, and perhaps those from other colleges. 

She slipped out of her window, running across the roofs and sliding down to get out the gate. It was a short jog to the town proper. After that it only took a little while to find the gang of kids she sometimes allied with, and was sometimes fierce enemies with. It all depending on the occasion. They had been allies for the past week, however, as the Gyptian children brick-burners kids were getting bold. 

When the Gyptians left with the seasons they'd be back to fighting again, Lyra was sure. 

She quickly got updated OK what she'd missed that morning. Not much, it seemed, for the Gyptian kids had been quiet. They were preparing to leave and go back to the Fens, not to come back until Spring. Lyra kept that in mind so she could torment them one more time before they left that year. 

But today there would be a different focus. Jessie Reynolds, one of the market children Lyra was closer too (when they weren't fighting), had told her that the brick-burners children seemed to be planning something big. They seemed to be building some kind of castle in the claybeds. She didn't see how it could be useful, but they had to strike first. 

So Lyra led her squad on a raid of the claybeds. They attacked with speed even if they had lesser numbers, attacking with the heavy clay that was an easily available weapon. It was Lyra and Pan, as a wolf, who tumbled over their castle with a screech of delight. It soon became a close quarters tussle in the clay but they came out victorious. 

That would show the brick-burners! They wouldn't dare think of attacking now. At least, until they formulated a plan for their revenge. Lyra would be ready.

There wasn't time for victory celebrations after, for it was already beginning to get late with the sun low in the sky. So Lyra had to wave goodbye to her friends and head back. 

"We should wash before we go back home," Pan commented as they made the trek through the college. 

Both were absolutely coated in clay from head to toe. It was an incredibly sticky thing and Lyra knew from experience that only vigorous scrubbing would remove it. She'd still find pieces in her hair and nails weeks after a clay bed raid. She couldn't care less. She still felt more at home covered in mud than in restrictive and fancy dresses. 

"We en't got a bath in Jordan," she replied, before a mischievous smile graced her lips. "We should just go in normally. Would serve em right if I get clay everywhere."

"Are you made," Pan shook his head, shifting to a small bird and managing to dislodge some of the clay from him. He fluttered up to her shoulder. "I'm not helping." 

She rolled her eyes. "Be like that, Pan. But I know you're just annoyed as me!" 

He shook his feathers out indignantly, but she knew she was right. It wasn't like they could hide anything from each other. 

Once they reached the Manor Lyra went right in the front door, making sure to drag Clay across everything she could and holding the banister the whole way up the stairs. 

Lyra found both her parents in the sitting room, poring over some research papers together. They were incredibly engrossed and she could tell it would annoy them terribly to be interrupted. 

Which just made things all the better. 

"Hello Mother, Father." 

"Hello Lyra, how was your day?" Mother asked sweetly but without looking up. Father just gave a grunt of acknowledgement. 

"Great!" She shared a grin with Pan, unsurprised that they were paying attention to her. She went to take a seat. "We won a fight with the brick-makers children today." 

"That's great, dear." 

Lyra was dangerously close to being sat down when Stelmaria's head whipped up, deep growl sounding in the back of her throat. Pan let out a loud squeak and automatically changed to a mouse. 

This resulted in clay splattering off him and onto their surroundings. 

And gained her parents attention. Her mother's look of absolute horror as she leapt to her feet would be ingrained in her memory forever. It was priceless. Father looked unsurprised, even as his lip curled upwards in disgust. It was Stelmaria who paced towards her with another growl, gaze never leaving Pan's form. Emboldened by Lyra's lack of fear, however, he'd turned into an ermine and stated right back. 

"Lyra!" 

"Yes, mother? Is something the matter?" Lyra asked with wide eyed innocence as if she hadn't just knowingly traipsed clay through half the Manor. "Is it because I fought, I swear it e'nt that bad just a little tussle." 

"You're absolutely filthy, child," Asriel bit out, hand on his wife's shoulder. She was incredibly pale as if she were about to faint, her revulsion to Lyra's state clear in her eyes. If there was one thing Mother hate it was a lack of cleanliness. Lyra was just about the dirtiest she'd ever been. 

"Oh, this?" Lyra looked down at herself as if she'd just noticed. "Well we was fighting in the clay beds so I got a little bit of it on me. One of the girls from town says it's good for your skin so it e'nt really a problem." 

"Lyra," there was a warning tone in Mother's voice, but it shook as if she was at least. It was clear she just wanted her out of her sight. 

So, naturally Lyra kept talking. It was what she was best at. "Did you know the Gyptians are leaving? That's why we went to the clay beds instead. They hardly let their children out when they're packing up to go so the canal is no fun. I considered jumping in before I came back! But I didn't think you'd approve of that. And it's getting colder this time of year. It's nice to swim in when it's summer, though. Pan absolutely loves it and-"

She let out a squeak as her father grasped her around the middle and hauled her over his shoulder. Pan fell off and right onto Stelmaria's back. Mother had stepped away from him, nose scrunched up and hands raised in front of her as if to ward away the dirt. 

"What are you doing?!" Lyra squirmed in his steel grip, rubbing clay all over his shoulder, but he was far stronger than her. 

"Forcing you to wash all that dirt off," he grunted, unceremoniously dumping her in the bathtub. Stelmaria lifted Pan up by the scruff of his neck and dropped him in too. She let out a yelp as Father spun the taps on and water spurted against her. She scrambled out. 

"I'm still dressed." 

Lyra fixed her with an unimpressed frown, though she could see a hint of amusement in his dark eyes. For all he'd never admit it to Lyra, he also enjoyed seeing Mother so riled up. Lyra had heard the two of them fight... And also the barbed words they shared even when not fighting. They may scold her whenever she was the one doing something disrespectful, but whoever wasn't at the receiving end was often much less mad. It was Lyra moving to their side in a tug of war between them. 

She'd learnt that recently and used it to their advantage. Sadly, a lot of the time the one thing that could really unite them was shared displeasure with her. 

"Don't leave this room until you're completely clean and never come home this dirty again." 

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes at his stern look, but it didn't stop her sticking her tongue out at his retreating back. It was only when the door clicked shut that she turned the Pan and giggle. 

"Did you see the look on Mother's face!" 

"The monkey look he wanted to be as far away from me as possible," Pan snickered, imagining his golden fur covered in clay. Now that would be a sight. "You were right, Lyra, this was fun." 

"Wasn't it?" she grinned as she stripped off her clothes, leaving them in a dump on the floor and stepping into the warm water. "I thought Mother was going to faint. Imagine if she had!" 

"She was too shocked to be angry!" Pan jumped into the water with a loud plop, splashing water at her. She giggled and batted him away. 

"I'm sure she'll shout at us later," Lyra shrugged, beginning to scrub herself vigorously. "I don't care, twas worth it for the reaction."

Pan chirped his agreement, rolling around in the water. Lyra smiled softly and reached out to help him wash. 

"I wonder how long we'll be in here before we're clean enough to be let out," she pondered. 

"Hours," Pan responded dramatically. "You're terrible at washing." 

Lyra hummed, lying back in the bath. "That's fine. It's not like we have anything else to do anyway." 

-

"Lyra," Mother had chosen her study as the place of punishment, sharp eyes boring into her daughter. Lyra sat on an uncomfortable chair and picked at her still clayed filled nails. "I will not have you coming home so dirty again, do you understand?" 

"I'll just wash before I get back next time then," 

"No," mother chastised. "You will not do that again at all. It is unbecoming for a girl like you to be involved in such things. You are too old to be fighting with the other children, especially commoners like those." 

"They're my friends," Lyra frowned sullenly. 

"I understand that, but you have to think of your position," Mother smiled as if she understood. "You are allowed to still see them, of course, but you must refrain from such vulgar activities. I will not accept it." 

Lyra scowled at her, eyes flashing and eyebrows severe, but tried to school her face as the golden monkey stalked towards Pan. 

"You will visit Jordan college less from now on. You must start to act like and learn to be a young lady. I will not take any arguments." 

"Yes, mother," Lyra replied in a monotone. Suddenly she just wanted to be out of this room and away from her. She couldn't be bothered to fight right now. 

"Good girl," Mother gave a light, airy smile. 

"Can I go now?" 

"Of course." 

She was more than happy to escape, surprised and glad to have gotten away with barely a scolding. 

-

Lyra could hear them fighting a few doors down, voices raised over some petty conflict. She only got words and segments but it was enough to piece together that it was over something completely inconsequential. Father hadn't noticed mother was wearing a new piece of jewellery, and it had devolved from there. 

So much for getting to sleep. 

Lyra resisted the urge to scream into her pillow, instead gently stroking pans glossy white fur. Eventually the shouting subsided with a slammed door. 

Moments later her door creaked open and Mother slipped in. She didn't say anything as she climbed into Lyra's bed, pulling her daughter close to her. Lyra resisted with a scowl but the look on her Mother's face in the dim light of the moon had her curling up into her arms. 

She hated how Mother would ignore her for days for work and for him, and then suddenly need her again. She was her daughter not just some plaything for when Mother needed physical affection. 

She hated how much she liked the affection. How easily she gave in. 

Because she'd missed it in the past few weeks. She missed Mother's attention and hugs. (more here) 

She missed a few months ago when they'd acted like a family when it was the three of them. She didn't really know what had happened. Perhaps it was because her father was staying for longer this time round. Maybe it was because he had been gone for so long. She could only wonder. 

She wanted it to go back to when he'd first come back, a year ago shortly after they'd taken her in. It had been better then. 

Now it was never the three of them. It was always mother and father but not Lyra, or mother and Lyra. But never mother and father and Lyra. 

She didn't understand. Was it her fault? 

"Mother, when is father going back North?" 

Mother narrowed her eyes at her in the dark, shifting to land a gentle hand on her cheek - then her hair, almost pulling. "I don't know, Lyra, I'm trying to get him to stay for as long as possible." 

"Why?" 

There was something in her tone Mother didn't like, and Lyra winced as her hair was tugged. 

"Because I missed him and I do not want him to be away from us for so long." there was a vulnerability in her voice Lyra hadn't heard before. Maybe it was her imagination or mother's tiredness. It was a more honest answer than she'd expected. 

"But you have me." 

A light, bitter laugh. "Lyra, my dearest daughter, you are both so very important to me. But you are not the same person. You cannot replace him, just as he cannot replace you. I do not wish to be without either of you."

Then why do you ignore me, was on the tip of her tongue. But she decided against saying it. "Then when will we spend time the three of us. We e'nt done that yet, not properly."

Mother leaned over to gently kiss her brow. "Your father and I are both busy, but we will try for you. Because you always come first." 

She didn't believe it, not entirely, but she nodded anyway. 

"Now go to sleep, Lyra." 

She complied with closed eyes and deep breaths. But even so the thought still flickered in her head, that maybe it would be better if Father was still in the North. 

-

It had taken her far longer than it should have, but Lyra had learned after the clay incident that acting out meant she got attention that her parents otherwise weren't giving her. 

She hadn't wanted to push it, at first. She'd believed Mothers promise that night that they'd make time for her. Yet they hadn't. 

She had known it in the back of her mind every since she'd thrown rocks at them in the market, but that had resolved itself. Well, Father had gone away then Mother had all the time in the world for Lyra. But now she had absolutely no time for her and she hated it. She wanted to go back to that. She was desperate for some slender amount of attention, no matter what. Whether it was anger, or shock. She preferred the times when they wanted to see her, of course, but they seemed fewer in number. 

Maybe they had grown bored of her. 

Pan curled around her neck with a whimper at that. "They won't, you're their daughter."

"They don't act like it," she mumbled back. 

There were always ups and downs in a family like theirs, but this was the first time Lyra had felt is so harshly. She hadn't felt so ignored before. 

She wasn't sure what had changed. Maybe it was her, rather than them. 

Maybe it was because she was used to a Mother's care now. 

"Well it is what it is," Lyra mumbled, as if she wasn't going to do all she could to change it. 

She 'accidentally' broke the vase of Mother's and got shouted at for almost an hour. She threw some of Father's research papers in the fire and his response was the angriest she'd ever seen from him. 

She did other small things, constantly pushing at them both. She'd stay in Jordan college till late in the evening and be cheeky to her Mother upon her return. She came back soaking wet from a swim in the canal.

All if it got her parents attention, and she could tell they were beginning to watch her now. She spent more time in Mother's company again. Father still ignore her, but he was there. 

But it was because they were annoyed at her, worried she would break something else. Not because they cared for it. It had felt like it was because of that with Mother before. 

Mother still dictated her time. She had hired a teacher for Lyra in her place. Lyra had learned not to skip the lessons after she had done a few times and been severely punished. There were few times she'd felt more terrified. 

It meant she had less time to visit her friends again. Her hours were spent learning, then a dinner with her parents and time together in the evening. Together meaning in each others company rather than actively together. 

She hated it. She hated it all. Her tenth birthday was approaching and all she wanted was to leave. Or to go back to the time when she could talk to Mother, hug her and relax with her without worrying that she was going to be shouted at at any minute. 

They were both on edge and it made it so much harder. 

She found herself hoping her father would leave soon and for good. It was him coming back for so long that had caused all this change, she had decided. She resented that he stole all of Mother's attention away. Before they'd done so much together. 

Yes, it was him that was at fault. If only he'd never come back. 

-

Mother had gone to London for a week and left Father and Lyra both alone in the Manor. It had certainly been quieter. She had managed to convince Mother to let her stay, arguing that her lessons shouldn't be disrupted as much as mother had wanted to take her. 

Of course, she didn't go to these lessons. There was no way her father would know she was missing them and her tutor would probably be more than glad from a break from such a disrespectful student. After the first day, when Lyra had shot right out the window as soon as a book had been put in front of her, her tutor gave up. No amount of shouting out of said window had made Lyra climb back in. Not without the threat of her Mother hanging over her. 

She knew mother would find out when she returned, but Lyra couldn't care less right now. She'd make the most of her freedom. 

The first few days had been spent in Jordan, running around the streets with other urchins. But then she'd gotten in trouble for constantly dragging the servants of various colleges away. 

And with the brick-burners beaten they were enemies with the townies again. It was rather boring to wage war alone. Even Roger only could spare a few hours for her. Things were getting busy in the college, with some kind of big meeting of scholars coming up. Lyra didn't care beyond the fact it prevented her playing so much. 

So instead she took to exploring the acres of grounds attached to the mansion. She'd spent so little time there until now, not having the need to go beyond the occasional walk with mother in the nearly kept garden immediately beside their home. 

But beyond that was so much space. Unchartered territory for Lyra and a great place for adventuring. 

The forest at the end of their grounds, that continued far further off their land, quickly became her favourite place. She didn't know where the section they owned ended and she didn't care. It wasn't like there was anyone about them anyway. 

The tall trees gave her a new kind of challenge. She'd climbed plenty in Jordan, sure, but they were like these. These were majestic and stood far taller than any in the college. They varied so much too, and she had to be careful which she chose to climb. 

She found when she reached the canopy she could jump between the tree branches, exhilaration firing through her veins as Pan swooped beside her in various different bird forms. It was so like the roofs of Jordan yet also different. There were no people to spit seeds at or hoot at. No one to get annoyed at her. It was so peaceful. Just her, Pan and the wilderness. 

She wondered if this was what the North was like. 

It made her feel so free. The wind whipping through her messy hair, rough bark against her hands and bird call in her ear. 

"I could move here, Pan," she breathed, while sitting on a particularly thick branch. She leaned her back against it and he perched on her shoulder. "I think it would be a wonderful home." 

"It would be cold and wet in the winter," Pan replied, sensible and raining on her parade like normal. She knew, deep down, that the idea appealed to him too. He may be far for level headed and rational than her but he was just as much part wild animal. He was part of her, after all, as she was part of him. 

"We can make a shelter. There's ways I'm sure." 

"No warm beds in the forest, though, or fires or books. Or Roger." 

Lyra inclined her head at that one. "We could still visit him. But I would miss my bed. And Mother and Father I guess." 

She was certainly more likely to miss her Mother. She did right now, even if she relished in the freedom she had without her. She wish she could have both the hugs and motherly affection and the ability to spend her days exploring the woods. 

Pan bristled on her shoulder and she stiffened as someone rustled through the leaves below her. She crept along the branch with a catlike grace, crouching and muscles bunching. She had to swing herself lower to close enough to the ground to attack. 

Which was what she was going to do, for she knew this area was on her parent's land. Who else would it be but an intruder. 

Slowly she followed the sound of leaves crunching under someone's boots, not quite able to see them through the foliage but able to tell where they were thanks to Pan's keen senses. She positioned herself along a lower, stable branch. 

Then she dropped onto the intruder. The momentum of her fall was enough to push the man to the ground, even if she was fairly light. She pinned his arms to the floor with her knees, one hand on her throat and the other raised to punch if necessary. Her lips drew back into a snarl that was mirror by Pan's panther form. 

Then panic shot through her and her grip loosened. 

"Lyra," her father intoned, single eyebrow raised as he fixed her with a scrutinising glare. "Care to tell me why you attacked me from the trees?" 

"We thought you was an intruder," she shuffled slightly and rubbed the back of her neck. "Didn't know it was you."

"Why would there be an intruder in these woods, so far away from the Manor itself." 

"Dunno, but nobody comes here's so I wasn't to know it was you," Lyra retorted, cheeks flushed with a mixture of determination and shame. But her father didn't seem angry. Perhaps he was in a rare good mood. "Why e'nt you inside?" 

He lightly lifted her off him. "I was on a walk to get out from there. Where do you think you got your needs to run about from? It certainly wasn't your mother." 

Lyra grinned at him as he stood, earning a slight smile in response. "I can't imagine Mother climbing about these woods." 

"She's more of an explorer than your expect," Father chuckled, looking down at her with a twinkle in his eyes. "But she would never allow even a single hair to be out of place. I don't think I'd ever seen someone care so much about their appearance in the North."

"Will mother ever go North again with you?" Lyra tilted her head, trying to imagine her Mother exploring. She'd known she had once but could hardly picture it. She fit in too much here. Well, in London where all the socialites were. 

"Not unless she needs to," Father gave a rueful smile, ruffling Lyra's already wild hair. "With the direction her research is going, however, there is a chance of that." 

"What is her research?" Lyra looked up with a wide eyed curiosity. 

"Not something a child would understand. You would be better off asking her yourself, anyway." 

Lyra pouted. They both knew perfectly well Mother wouldn't tell her anything. Father would tell her the derails he thought she'd understand because he loved talking about his research and journeys. Sometimes they couldn't get him to stop (not that Lyra had minded when she was younger). Mother may like the sound of her own voice just as much, but certainly not when talking about something so private as her personal research. Not to her daughter. Lyra barely knew what she did beyond also being a scholar and meeting with Magisterium members. 

"If she goes North will I come to?" 

"Perhaps. It will depend on the circumstances at the time. The possibility of that is a long way off so there's no use worrying." 

"I e'nt! I want to go North." 

Asriel smirked, gently pushing her back to get her to start walking. Pan and Stelmaria padded beside them. "I know you do."

Lyra huffed, reluctant to walk with him for she knew this was the direction. He noticed her displeasure easily and kept his hand firm behind her. "Why do we have to go back? Me and Pan was having fun on the trees." 

"Do you not remember that your Mother will be back this evening? She would be in shock to see you like this." 

"Oh," Lyra looked down at herself. Her dark blue woolen dress, warm and flexible, had leaves stuck all the way through it. Her hair was even worse and full of knots. It was in no way appropriate attire to greet mother in. "She'd probably scream and then tell me to burn my clothes. She hates this dress cause it's so unfashionable. But it's practical not like what she wants me to wear. So she'd definitely be mad if she saw me like this." 

"I'm sure she would have quite the time in dressing you back up to her standard," Asriel gave her a wry smile and she couldn't help but grin back. His voice dropped a few levels as they approached the Manor, as if he was about to share a dangerous secret. "I shall make sure to keep her distracted so that you can still venture into the forest, now that she's back." 

Lyra's grin only widened further and lit up the entirety of her soft face. She responded in a whisper of her own. "Yes please! Mother will definitely stop me if she finds out how often I spend there." 

"Well, she shan't hear it from me," Father winked at her, a good natured twinkle in his eyes that she hadn't seen in a long time. "I'll make sure your freedom is protected." 

"Thank you, Father!" Lyra hugged him, tight and quick. He patted her awkwardly on the back. 

Both noted the green silk coat hanging up once they entered the Manor, sharing looks of anticipation. However there was no one waiting to chastise them for daring to be out and both father and daughter let out sighs of relief. 

"Go get changed, Lyra, before your Mother finds you like this."

Father nudged her towards the stairs, and she just gave him a nudge and a grin before running to her room. It was easy enough to switch dresses, something she did in minutes, but brushing out the mess of her hair was going to be the challenge. 

"Father was so nice to me today," she hummed to Pan as she tore the brush through a particularly matted section of hair. "I feel bad now for what I thought before." 

Pan nuzzled against her cheek before trying to help untangle her hair. He understood, both Lyra's wishes for her father to leave and her regret now about feeling that way. He had ignored her for so long that she had forgotten what it was like to spend time with him. How nice it was when it happened. She wished she got to do it more often. So perhaps she had been wrong in wishing him away. 

"Perhaps Mother is the problem after all," she voiced while straightened her dress in the mirror. "Rather than Father." 

Pan twisted his head to give her a skeptical look. "Lyra, I think it's both of them. They both cause us problems."

Lyra shrugged. She knew he was right, but she didn't want to consider it. It was better to blame one that both, right? 

"Or only spend time with each when they're being nice," Pan chirped, curling around her neck. "Get the best of it all." 

Lyra laughed lightly at that and ran a finger across his head. "Your right, Pan, I should just do that." 

Though they both knew it wasn't that easy, that she couldn't just avoid her parents unless they were in good moods. But she could pretend to make herself feel just a little bit better. 

-

Lyra could hear her parents shouting along the hallway, her hands balling up into fists and Pan snarling as a wild cat beside her. She'd already had a terrible day and the last thing she needed was this. All she wanted was to relax with the fiction book she had been reading. 

But the only way to the sitting room was past them. The last thing she wanted was their attention when they were like this. No, let them take it out on each other. 

Pan sighed softly as she edged closer. She figured if she was going to be blocked off from her entertainment she may as well eavesdrop. Pan didn't think it was a good idea at all. No good things came from listening to their arguments, he thought. She rolled her eyes at him. She might learn something that could be used as leverage against them. Their fight were often petty, anyway, if frequent. They almost always made up afterwards. 

"-your fault that she's acting out like this! If you weren't so distant then she would need your attention!" It was mother who was screeching, face a picture of anger as Lyra peered around the corner to watch. 

"My fault?" Father stared down at her, frown cutting a deep line across his face. "Tell me, Marisa, when did you last spend time with her? Properly spend time?" 

Lyra blinked, realising they were talking about her. Pan curled around her neck with an anxious whimper. He just wanted them to leave and get away from all this. Lyra did too, but she also desperately wanted to know what they were saying. 

"You're one to talk," Mother snapped. "When have you ever spent time with our daughter?" 

"I don't coddle her and then ignore her on a whim," Father growled, stepping closer to her threateningly. "You are too soft on her when I'm away leading to her thinking she can get away with anything. She even sleeps in your bed! She's nine not a toddler!" 

"It's perfectly normal for her to sleep with me when you're gone! At least I try. I'm the one ensuring she learns how to act properly! I'm the one who's moulding her into a perfect lady, not you! What have you done?" 

"Fostered her interest things she actually wants to learn? Given her independence and freedom to do what she pleases? Plenty of things that would make you annoyed, Marisa, for I know how much you want her to grow up like a tiny version of yourself. You're doing a terrible job at it!"

"If you were here more you would know how quickly Lyra is learning! You could help me. But you keep running away, leaving me to raise her alone! Do you know how hard that is? No wonder she's causing so much trouble!" 

"She's causing trouble because she's a spoilt, insolent brat!" 

"Don't speak about our daughter that way!" 

"As if you haven't said worse!" 

Lyra clamped her hands over her ears and ran away, running and running until she reached the forest. There she let herself scream in frustration and climbed the trees with little regard for the cuts she received from the whipping of small branches. She just needed to get away, get all this horrible energy out. 

Eventually she settled down on a tree, sick feeling heavy in her gut and Pan curled around her neck. 

-

Something snapped inside of Lyra when she entered the living room the next morning, after a late breakfast alone, to find her parents laughing together. Mother was practically draped across Father, who had an arm across her shoulders and a smile on his lips. They seemed absolutely absorbed in each others company. 

As if nothing had happened. 

As if they hadn't been in the middle of a near violent argument about her the day before. As if they hadn't been arguing about who was at fault for her behaviour. As if it wasn't both of them. 

Well, she was glad that they could make up without even fixing anything with the subject of the argument. Perfect. 

Pan stalked at her side as a wildcat, teeth already bared, and Lyra threw herself onto a seat with as much aggression as she could muster. Her parents paid her not attention, too caught up in each other, but Stelmaria's head shot up to look at her. Lyra met her unblinking gaze with a fiery glare of her own. Pan walked circles in her lap, unable to sit still and relax. Neither knew what they wanted just that they wanted some kind of acknowledgement. Some kind of confrontation, perhaps, or her parents trying to actually fix things. 

The latter was far less likely. 

But the longer she sat there without them even glancing her way the more the idea lost its appeal. She just wanted to go. And really, what was stopping her? Mother had said yesterday morning that she would be helping with her studies but it didn't seem like she remembered at all. And honestly, Lyra didn't care about that. Mother would just lecture her over how to speak proper and how to put on makeup and all sorts of other things Lyra didn't care about. 

So she got up to leave. She'd go to Jordan college for the day, at least there people cared enough to talk to her. 

"Lyra, where are you going?" 

She spun back to glare at Mother, who was watching her with a raised eyebrows while still pressed flush against Father. 

"To play with friends," she retorted, hand on Pan's back as he hissed from her shoulder. "Is that a problem?" 

"There are plenty of other, much more suitable ways for you to spend your day. Did you forget we planned to go over your elocution today?" 

"Sorry, I thought you were too busy with other things." Lyra's voice dripped venom as she turned her fiery gaze to Father. "You certainly e'nt rushing to help me." 

"I always have time for you, dear." Mothers voice dripped with a sickly sweetness, smile soft and loving but eyes flashing dangerously. Warning Lyra not to push. Lyra ignored the warning. 

"D'you? It don't seem like it. When was the last time you made time for me? You just wanted me there for when you was lonely but now you don't need me!" Lyra clenched her fists, eyes wild and Pan snarling in her arms. He didn't venture further as he sometimes did, though, as the golden monkey was creeping closer. "Neither of you care!" 

"We do care, Lyra, we really do care," Mother's voice shook and tears formed in her eyes. Fake tears. Lyra knew how easily she could turn on the waterworks. Mother looked to Father who just nodded gruffly but otherwise seemed unbothered by the whole thing. "We're really trying even while we're both so busy with work. We still make time for you. But, Lyra darling, it is you who keeps running off to roll about in the mud and who is constantly making it harder for us at every turn!" 

"Me?" Lyra's voice had raised to a near shouting level, whole body trembling. "How am I at fault when you WON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME? You e'nt trying! You're ignoring me and blaming me for what's your fault!" 

"Don't use your tone on me," Mother snapped, all semblance of attempting Diplomacy gone. Her face was still the picture of calmness, anger only clear in her eyes and the stalking of her Daemon towards them. Lyra held Pan close even as his claws lightly sunk into his skin. "You are a disrespectful child who does not listen to anything we tell you and continues to disobey us. You are-" 

"If you want a doll to do as you please get someone else!" Lyra interrupted, tensed as if ready to attack. "I e'nt a toy! You don't even want me! And you e'nt listening to a word I say you're just telling me how bad I am! I don't care! I just wanted you to look at me, just once. But you don't care about me or want me! Why did you even take me in?!" 

Then it dawned on her, a small idea blooming into an impulse to act on. 

"It would just be better if I left, since you don't want me anyway." 

Before they could respond she fled, Pan clutched to her chest and ignoring her parent's enraged shouts behind her.


	4. Don't Fear The Things I See

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof I'm tryna speed write this now to get it all written by the end of the month (aka before I participate in femslash Feb) wish me luck. The last two chaps will be shorter but still do have 3 to go xD 
> 
> As per normal comments are always super appreciated ty!

Lyra spent the first night in the forest, only getting a few hours of fitful sleep in what little shelter she could find, before moving on. She knew if father bothered to look for her he'd check the forest first. That, and Jordan College. She'd have to avoid both.

She foraged in the first the second day, managing to find some mushrooms that were safe to eat with Pan's help. Then she set off, cutting out of the forest and towards the canal. She considered going to Ma Costa for a while then discarded that idea. Her parents would definitely check there.

That was if they were even looking for her.

She discarded that though, hugging Pan close.

"We don't need them," Pan murmured, echoing her thoughts.

"You're right," Lyra agreed. "We got each other. Well move somewhere else and make our own life without them."

They both nodded even as their chests hurt, heart twisted. They couldn't hide how much they wanted to be found. To actually be wanted. Lyra wished she could be confident they'd come after her... That they'd actually think about what she said.

They continued till they met the canal and walked along it, Pan trotted along by her side as a dog. It was peaceful this early in the morning with only a few boats meandering down.

After a bit of walking they found an abandoned boat, just a bit off the canal. It was kitted out with a bed and various other necessities, not that Lyra knew how to cook (she doubted it was functional anyway).

"We can live here," Lyra nodded after a cursory scan. It wasn't perfect but it was far better than the forest.

Pan sniffed around a bit before nodding his agreement. He hopped up onto the small bed as Lyra began rummaging around the trunk. She found some worn dungarees, shirts and some kind of hooded coat. They were all well worn and musty but she would stand out much less than in her clearly high quality dress.

The wool of the coat scratched against her arms but with its hood up she was fairly confident she could get about unrecognised. She looked nothing like the young daughter of a Lord. She looked closer to a gyptian child or any old urchin and could even pass for a boy at a push, if she had a way to hide her hair.

"How do I look?" she turned to Pan with a grin, hood pushed up. He tilted her head as he swept her up and down with his gaze.

"Like a ruffian."

Lyra laughed, holding out her arm so he could run up it. He crawled into her hood and settled around her neck. "Perfect then we won't get recognised."

"We're going into town?" Pan read her thoughts, moving around to look at her with a slight frown in his dark eyes. He disapproved and thought it was risky. She shrugged.

"We need food and there e'nt any here. I don't wanna starve. They probably e'nt even looking for us."

Pan nodded against her neck. "Just be careful."

"I'm not stupid," she rolled her eyes at him before smiling slightly. "I got you to stop me, e'nt I?"

He snorted but didn't disagree. She just smirked at him and set off for Oxford Town proper to get supplies.

-

Lyra made the mistake of going to Jordan College on the third day.

She'd managed to make it through stealing some food from town and with Pan fishing in the canal. They'd figured out how to get the cooker on the boat working enough to cook the fish. It was honestly horrible since Lyra had no idea what she was doing, but it worked.

It was monotonous. She knew she couldn't keep living like this. She needed a plan, something to aim for. But she didn't know what that should be.

So she'd decided to visit Jordan. She was fairly confident in her ability to get by unseen. She was entirely sure what she was going to do there. Pan thought that the Master could help and wouldn't immediately hand her back to her parents. She'd decided to listen to him and try to get advice from the Master.

She slipped along the roof, feet silently padding along the tiles as she kept herself low. The scholars were going about their business and no one even glanced upwards. She kept her hood up just in case - better no one guessed who she was. Though, if it was someone who knew her they'd have a fair chance of doing so anyway. Pan flew just overhead to keep an eye out, ahead and investigating everything that might be a risk. He dropped to her with a warning as they reached the roof above the Master's study.

"Someone else is in there," he whispered. She nodded slightly and he cautiously went to the window. Both shivered as he came back to her.

It was Mother. She carefully lowered herself to the grass outside the window, crouching so that she was hidden but could still peer inside. Pan changed so he could hear for her, landing softly on her shoulder.

Mother stood, bent over to point a furious finger in the Master's face. He was sitting in a chair with its back to Lyra, meaning she had a full view of the fury storming across her mother's features. It was completely unconstrained for once. There was no semblance of control or an attempt to hide it behind a deathly smile. The monkey stood on her shoulder with its teeth bared and nails gripping into her skin.

"Where is she," she snarled, voice tight with anger.

Lyra imagined that the Master gave her an even look as he responded calmly, "I don't know, she isn't here."

"Lies!" Mother slammed a hand against the arm of the chair. "You must be hiding her! Tell me where my daughter is or I will tear this place apart."

"Lyra is not here. If she was, you wouldn't be in this predicament."

"How can she not be," she hissed, eyes blazing with the kind of anger that struck fear in Lyra's heart. She was glad she wasn't in the line of fire. "If she is not here, where else would she be? This is the only place she has to run to. If I find out you're hiding her..."

"I'm not the one who lost her," the Master's tone was quiet but harsh. "You have already done damage enough, I think. I don't know where she is. If anyone should know, it is you. You are her Mother, are you not?"

Mother stepped back, blinking. There was a shaking to her voice now. "She's really not here, is she?"

Something in the Master's face must have told her that it was true. The string that had held her taught slapped and she all but slumped over. She caught herself, hand gripping the monkey tightly, and fixed the Master with a sharp glare.

"I hope if you find anything out, you will come straight to me."

"You will be the first to know."

Mother gave a curt nod and stalked away. Lyra pinned herself against the wall, breathing heavy even though she knew mother had no reason to come through this courtyard. They had to leave now, anyway. They didn't want the master to take them to their parents.

A sharp tapping on the window above her made her jump out of her skin, Pan leaping of her shoulder and flickering through various bird forms. She looked up to see a Raven peering down at them. She shared a wide glance with Pan. No chance of leaving now.

"She's saying to come in quickly," Pan whispered, snapping Lyra out of her daze. Lyra quickly scrambled to get in the slightly ajar window.

"I e'nt listening if you're gonna tell me to go back to them," she threatened, evening as she shivered slightly and held close a mouse Pan. "I e'nt going back."

"I'm not telling you to," the Master responded softly, indicating the seat opposite him. "Sit, Lyra, and let's talk."

Lyra narrowed her eyes at him but she cautiously crouched on the chair, Pan standing on the arm in agitation. Just like her he refused to properly sit down.

"How are you faring, Lyra?"

She tilted her head at him. "Fine."

The Master raised an eyebrow but his face was otherwise expressionless. He'd always been good at that, hiding how he felt. Or maybe Lyra had just never been able to tell. "Would you like to tell me why you ran away from your parents?"

She flinched back slightly at the question, Pan hissing and hesitation flickering through her mind. Then she saw the softness in the Master's features. A lack of judgment. He actually... Well it seemed like he actually cared.

So she explained it to him. She told him about how her Mother had been before Father came back, and then how they ignore her. How they got angry at her for doing stuff wrong but still never really looked at her. All she wanted was a family, she said, but they didn't seem to understand that. So she'd ran away.

The Master listened to her without comment, mouth a grin line but eyes soft. He waited until she was clearly finished, breathing ragged and face emotional, before speaking. "You always have a place here, Lyra. If you don't want to return to them you come back. I'll sort it out with your parents."

Lyra blinked, entirely thrown by his answer. She'd expected him to tell her she was in the wrong adn being stupid. After all, that's what her parents thought. All adults had seemed the same. They were always right and knew best. But he hadn't said that. He'd actually listened.

"I..." Lyra shook her head minutely, Pan curling tightly around her neck. "I don't know yet. I haven't decided."

"I understand," the Master nodded. "I will help you however I can, whether that means moving back here or helping you speak with them."

"Thank you," Lyra responded genuinely, Pan timidly unfurling for her neck to tap the Raven's beak. "I need to think about it."

A lot. She was terribly confused, like a boat set adrift before it was ready to sail. She didn't know what to do and another offer just made things more confusing. Deep down she knew what she wanted. But it was so hard to give in to that because, well, it meant going back.

"I'll not rush you. But please, stay for dinner. Today is a day you normally celebrate, right?"

Lyra nodded, allowing him to lead her to the connecting room which was a small private dining room for him. There was a single table with two chairs at which she sat. She'd completely forgotten the day and it made her chest construct. What would Roger think, when she hadn't turned up.

Seeking to read her thoughts, the Master smiled. "I'll send him up with your dinner, and you can have some time together in private."

She didn't have a chance to express her thanks before he left them alone, door closing gently. Pan uncurled himself from Lyra's neck to flop onto the table. They both stared at each other for moments in equal confusion. It had been a whirlwind of support that she was in no way used to.

"I dunno what to do, Pan," she mumbled softly, dropping her head into the table next to him. He lightly licked her forehead.

"I don't know either," he responded, switching to a house cat as he began to groom through her matted her. "We'll figure it out."

"We will."

The remained in silence, not quite thinking about what to do. Lyra just stopped thinking for a moment as she concentrated on Pan's caring grooming and the warmth between them. She'd worry about the rest later. For now, she'd make the most of the comfort.

It didn't take long for the door to swing open, a cheerful step interrupting her lack of thoughts.

"You e'nt looking so good," Roger commented after he deposited a divine smelling meal, standing beside her and poking her cheek. Sacilia leapt at Pan and they both rolled together in a hug. Lyra forced herself to sit up and smile.

"Just tired."

Roger didn't look convinced but he didn't push. He must know she'd run away. Rumours got around quickly among the servants. "Well no gloom now, we got food to eat. They even gave us cake! I never get cake."

Lyra couldn't help but grin as his enthusiasm, happily taking the plate that he handed her before he sat down himself. The chicken looked absolutely sumptuous compared to the burnt fish of the night before, oozing with gravy. She didn't even complain about the amount of veg as she dug in.

"Happy early birthday," Roger chirped up as he presented the two large slices of chocolate cake. Lyra's mouth watered just looking at it. They clinked their glasses together, pretending it was wine and not just juice, before absolutely ravishing the cake.

She was in much higher spirits by the end of it, belly full. Sacilia and Pan scampered about the room together while their humans lay in their chairs with hands on overfilled stomachs. Lyra felt more content than she had in a long time. This was the life she missed. She wished it could last forever, relaxing with Roger.

"I got you a little somethin’," Roger said after they recovered from food induced comas. "It e'nt much but... I hope you like it."

Lyra watched with curious eyes as he fumbled in his pocket and pulled something out in his fist. She put her hand out to take it. He'd never given her a present before and she couldn't help but already feel touched.

"Close your eyes."

She did, Pan scampering onto her shoulder and doing the same. Something light and rough dropped into her hand and she played with it a moment before opening her eyes. She noticed the leather cord first, smooth and dark, attached to a rough wooden charm. After close inspection she realised it was carved into the shape of an ermine.

"I e'nt so good at it but I got some help from my uncle and made it," Roger shuffled on his feet, a light blush on his cheeks. "If you don't like it I can-"

Lyra cut him off with a fierce hug, holding him close to her and blinking back the hot tears in her eyes. It was far better than all the presents she'd gotten from her parents last year. It was so much more thoughtful.

"I love it, thank you," she pulled away and wiped her eyes. Then she put it on. It sat nicely against her shirt, close to her heart. She vowed to never take it off.

Roger smiled brightly at her. "I also heard you e'nt on good terms with your parents right now. Just know, I'll always be here for you. No matter what."

Lyra gave a watery smile at that, pulling him into another hug.

-

"Happy birthday, Pan," Lyra mumbled, curled up in the cramped bed around him. She hugged him close.

"Happy birthday, Lyra," he responded softly and borrowed his head against her neck.

It wasn't how they'd expect to spend their tenth birthday. They'd managed to spend a little bit of time with Roger the day before, the day they thought was their birthday for most of their life. But today they were alone. Today was meant to be the family day.

Lyra liked to think that her parents were more desperately searching for her today. Hoping to find her and bring her home, showering her with love and birthday wishes.

She knew it was a stupid and false hope. There was no chance it would happen.

"What should we do today?" she asked, as if there was anything she wanted to do.

"We could go for a walk?" Pan suggested softly even as he curled more against her. "Or we could visit the townies or gyptians?"

"Gyptians is too risky," Lyra sighed. "I wish I could see Roger. I know the Master said he could shelter me if I wanted to and told him everything I haven't already but... I e'nt sure Pan. I don't want to put him in that position. I dunno if I can just return there."

"Mother wouldn't stop until she had us back," Pan agreed. "She's ruthless."

Lyra hesitated before sighing. "You're right. I think she cares about us but... She wants me to be like her."

Pan shuddered. "I hope I don't settle like him."

"You won't," she shook her head fervently, holding him close. "I know you won't."

"I hope not," he mumbled.

Lyra rolled over so that he rested on her chest and she stared up at the ceiling. "I think I'm just gonna lie in bed today. E'nt much point in doing anything. Nobody to do it with."

There was a moment of silence before Pan responded, tone as dejected as her feelings. "Yeah, I agree. Let's just stay here together."

She nodded and gently ran hands through his fur.

"Yeah, just us. We don't need anyone else."

-

Pan's urgent nuzzling, eyes alert as he heard hushed talking nearby, jolted Lyra awake. It was late evening and the sunlight had almost disappeared, unable to peek through the drawn curtains on the boat windows. She crouched, carefully drawing back a curtain with her hand on the window handle so she could jump out if necessary. Her hand found the charm around her neck for a moment, for comfort. Then she shared a look with Pan and he concentrated on listening to the conversation for them. 

"It's getting dark, we should go back." A quiet rumbling, silky smooth tones, that they both recognised with a certain longing. Stelmaria. "We can't continue to look like this."

"Just a little bit longer," came the hiss in response, voice much lower and harsher. Father. "We've checked the entire forest and town. She can't have gotten far and a boat like this is the perfect place for her to hide."

Lyra and Pan shared wide eyed, fearful looks. Both tensed, ready to spring at any moment, as she carefully opened the window next to them.

"She's smart enough to hide from us as long as she wants," Stelmaria commented softly. There was a grunt in response from Asriel.

The door to the boat creaked open, echoing Lyra's sharp intake of breath. The window was open enough that she could leap out. Both waited in silent anticipation as heavy footsteps rang against the wood. They were still in the other room, Lyra assumed looking around. Pan was alert on the window sill, ears twitching to the sound of Stelmaria sniffing about.

"Someone's been here, there's signs of cooking," Asriel said in a low murmur as if Pan wouldn't be able to hear him.

"It was them."

A bit more shuffling and then the footsteps got louder, more urgent. The door between the rooms slammed open.

Lyra bolted out the window and Pan shot after her.

"Lyra!"

Desperation and anger mixed together, matching Lyra's emotions as she tore away from the boat. The wind whipped through her matted hair and footsteps thumped behind her. Just keep running, if she kept running she could get away. He'd give up eventually. He didn't care enough to chase her.

She skidded left, in the direction of the town. She'd lose him there. Her breathing shook through her ribs and Pan scurried behind her.

She fell with a cry onto damp grass.

Stelmaria had Pan pinned. He flickered between shapes to escape to no avail. Lyra struggled even though she knew it wouldn't help.

There wasn't any pain, something that confused her. Even though Stelmaria had a tight grip on Pan it was gentle and careful to not hurt him. It didn't stop Lyra from shivering as her Father loomed over her. She flinched away as he bent down only to find herself lifted into strong arms.

No escape.

Stelmaria picked up Pan in her jaws, back to his ermine shape. He hung dejected in the mouth. Lyra herself was tense, staring intensely at her Father's shirt so not to look at his face.

"You worried us," was all he said gruffly, before carrying her home in silence. Lyra buried her head against his chest and squeezed her eyes closed to prevent the flow of tears from them. Her chest constricted in fear that only increased as they neared the Manor. She was glad that Father didn't try to talk to her.

"Prepare a bath," Father barked after forcing the door open, gentle placing her down and urging her to take her coat off. She did so obediently. Father blocked the door from her and Stelmaria slunk around her ankles. No way to run. Not that she had the energy to. All the fight drained out of her.

Pan scurrying up her leg and clung to her as hurried steps clicked through the halls.

"Asriel, did you find-" Mother froze, tear stained eyes widening. She looked more tired than Lyra had ever seen her. "Lyra!"

Mother practically ran the last few steps, grabbing Lyra in a tight hug. Lyra stood numbly in her tight grip as Mother caressed her cheeks and her hair. She could feel hot, fresh tears on her mother's cheeks.

"Lyra, darling, I'm so glad you're safe. We were so worried we thought for sure that you were... But that doesn't matter anymore you're home. You scared us, dear, you really did! After so many days I thought you would come home... Oh, Lyra." A caress to her cheek and a kiss on her forehead. "You have no idea how happy I am to have you back! Never, ever do that again. Do you understand? Never."

Lyra tensed, sensing the anger that had been overwhelmed by joy at seeing her again beginning to bubble up in her Mother. Pan flinched back from the gentle caresses he had been enduring from the golden monkey. Here it came, the torrent of vicious words to beat her down.

"Marisa," Asriel set a gentle hand on his Wife's shoulder, gently removing her from Lyra. "Let her breath. This has been stressful for us all but what Lyra needs the most now is a bath and her bed. We can talk to her in the morning."

Mother looked like she wanted to argue but Father held firm.

"Goodnight, Lyra," Father gently pushed Lyra towards the stairs.

"Goodnight, Lyra, darling," Mother sniffed. "Mother loves you!"

Lyra just looked at both of them with blank eyes, clutching Pan to her. "Goodnight."

She lightly ran up the stairs and straight to the bathroom, where a bath had already been ran. Only when she was in the warm water did she curl into herself and break down.

-

She picked at the hem of her blue silk dress, feeling it's constraints far more than she had before. All she wanted to do was run away to the forest or the roofs of Jordan. Anywhere but here, sitting under her parents judging gaze. Pan stood on her shoulder as a small Robin, both making himself as inconsequential as possible but ready to bolt at any moment.

The silence was heavy. Lyra shifted, hand now going to twist her hair around her finger.

"Lyra," it was Father who spoke first, surprisingly, arm wrapped around Mother. She was fairly certain it was because he had more of a handle on his temper for once. She could see the emotions flickering through Mother's eyes, constantly swapping from need to hold her to an anger at her disobedience. "Explain to us why you ran away."

Lyra kept her gaze on her lap, hands clutching her knees as she tried to figure out exactly what to say. How to explain it so they didn't lose it at her. She was surprised they were even giving her a chance to explain herself rather than just going right into a telling off and punishment.

"You was ignoring me," she started, voice beginning as barely more than a mumble. Pan chirped in her ear encouragingly. She shook away her fear. What did it matter? She was here now, she should say how she felt. So she steeled herself and raised her wild gaze to her parents. "You didn't have time for me unless you was telling me off. Mother went from spending every day with me to none at all. It hurt. I just wanted to be a family, I just... Wanted you to look at me. Just once. But you didn't you just shouted at me and didn't listen. So I ran cause you don't want me anyway."

She saw something flash through her father's eyes that she could quite recognise, face otherwise unreadable. Mother seemed shocked, mouth slightly open and eyes rapt upon her. She could tell that they were both still angry, for it was something she had learned to look out for. But they were listening.

“It was as if I weren’t even there. You told me I was your daughter and how to act and what to do but you stopped acting like my parents. You stopped me from going to Jordan and playing with my friends cause you said it weren’t proper. How is that fair? I tried and tried and tried for your attention. I tried being good, I tried talking, I tried just being there. Then I tried being bad! It was still like i was an afterthought. You don’t give someone hope of a family only to abandon it after two years. You didn’t even try! You only care ‘bout each other and yourselves. Not me.”

By the end she was breathing heavily, still so much to say swirling around her mind. How did she even vocalise everything she felt? She didn’t know. She felt it deep down in her gut but she wasn’t so good with words. Not for true feelings. If this was lying it would’ve been so much easier.

“If you don’t want me, just let me go back to Jordan.”

“No,” Mother let out a soft cry, ripping out of Father’s grip to move over to Lyra. She gently cupped her cheek. “Oh, Lyra, dear, of course we want you. I’m so sorry that hasn’t been clear.”

Lyra let her hug her, but didn’t return it. She tried to resist the warmth she’d missed for so long. Some twisted part of her, a part she tried to oppress, liked that Mother’s distress was because of her. It showed that she did care. If only that had been clear before.

“We never meant for you to feel that way! Your Father and I have been so very busy and stressed and that meant we took it out on you. That was wrong of us. We didn’t think about why you might be acting out and just assumed you were being disobedient. Our mistake was not talking to you or trying to understand. We neglected you, darling, but it won’t happen again. I promise we will always make time for you. I’ll be a better mother, I promise, Lyra.”

Lyra nodded, finally letting herself melt into the hug. She rested her head against her mother’s chest and relaxed as Mother’s hands ran through her messy hair. She was murmuring softly to Lyra, words of comfort. Lyra let them run through her mind and soothe her.

She was surprised when Asriel joined, wrapping strong arms around them both as Stelmaria twined around their legs. Lyra couldn’t help the slight smile that flickered across her lips as she snuggled against her parents. It was so warm, filling up the emptiness she’d been feeling the last few days. Pan hummed happily against her skin, her clothing between him and her parents even as he relished in the closeness. It felt like home.

“We’ll try harder,” Father spoke gruffly, hand rising to pat Lyra’s head. She smiled up at them.

It didn’t solve everything, but it was a start.

-

Things got a bit better after that. It was nowhere near perfect, something she didn't expect, but they stopped ignoring her. Mother was softer, even, more willing to listen to what Lyra had to say. If she took it on board Lyra didn't know. But it was nice to be listened to.

She got more time with them both. Not much else changed, but she didn't expect it to. She was happy enough with that.

Things weren't just fixed like that. But she could tell they were trying.

Pan had pointed out they didn’t really address all of her problems, but she’d just shrugged at that. Something was better than nothing, and it was far more than she’d expected. She was happier than she had been. Happier than if she’d had to run off someplace far away or go back to Jordan. Her life had returned to some semblance of normalcy.

Father had gone back North for a few months but was due home any day.

Lyra was looking forward to it. He'd promised to bring her back a walrus tusk. She couldn't wait. It would be added to her ever-growing collection of gifts from the North.

She could tell Mother was getting agitated as the probable day of Father's return grew nearer. Lyra tended to avoid her when she was like this. The time they spent together was nice again, if Mother was in a good mood, but she hadn't exactly changed beyond paying more attention to how her daughter felt. That meant when in a bad mood Lyra had to walk is if she were on eggshells.

Although it also meant Lyra was dragged to sleep in Mother's bed for the past week as her loneliness got the better of her. She didn't mind this. Lyra enjoyed sleeping in the same room as someone over being alone, especially in this house. There was a certain comfort to it. Though she was glad it wasn't every night as it had been before the whole incident when her Father returned. It meant she could be used to both. Pan, on the other hand, preferred when they slept alone. So it worked well in this regard - kept them both happy as it alternated.

Her day had been one of absolute dire boredom. She'd been forced by sharp glares from Mother to stay through an entire day of lessons with her tutor. By the end of it Lyra was absolutely desperate to escape. There was only so much she could take on mathematics and grammar and religious texts. When was she going to get to the interesting parts?

She was out the window as soon as the lessons were over, Pan flying out after her. She didn't care to stick around for the pompous meal Mother had organised with a few other scholars she had a particular interest in (their money). It wasn't like she needed Lyra there for anything more than an adorable face.

"Let's go to the forest," Pan chirped as Lyra scaled her way around the building. Lyra grinned in agreement. There was no way that Mother would follow her there.

She was about to jump down onto the ground when a voice called out, stopping her as she hung halfway off the wall.

"You have an interesting way of greeting your Father on his return, Lyra."

Her eyes widened as she found Father, looking up at her with a smirk and amused glint in his eyes. Pan had already flown down to greet Stelmaria, turning into an Ermine to flop on her head and nuzzled against her. Lyra felt the pull of their bond as he reached the furthest away from her he could get.

"Father!"

She jumped down, running and leaping at him. He caught her and allowed her to hug him for a moment before holding her away at arms length. Lyra didn't let that deter her grin, used to his lack of affection, and instead bent down to hug Stelmaria around her neck. The snow leopard rubbed her cheek against Lyra's.

"You're home! When did you get here, Mother's been getting more and more agitated," Lyra babbled excited from where she crouched.

Father put his finger on his lips to quieten her down even as he smiled. He replied in a hushed tone. "I just got here."

Lyra tilted her head at him. "Why are you going in through the back?"

"I heard your Mother had guests. I would rather avoid having to greet them and sit through hours of polite discussions I have no interest in. I will undoubtedly be dragged along if she finds out I'm back."

She grinned at that. "That's why I was climbing out! Mother wanted me there for 'em to find all cute and so she could talk 'bout me and stuff. I e'nt in the mood for that. We was going to the forest!"

"Sounds preferable to being in there," Stelmaria commented, light laugh rumbling through her.

"Why don't you join us!" Lyra looked from her to her father. "Then you can avoid Mother."

Father inclined his head thoughtfully. "Hmm, it is a good excuse to avoid it. Why not? A walk is always preferable."

"Lyra can talk as the people inside," Pan pointed out as he fluttered up to her shoulder. Lyra glared at him.

"But I e'nt boring!"

"Doesn't make you any less talkative."

"I'm going to sneak inside," Asriel interrupted before the two could properly start bickering. "Wait out here while I get changed, quietly."

Lyra pouted but obeyed as he slipped in the servants entrance. She leaned against the wall of the house with folder arms and held a silent conversation with Pan.

Oh how exciting it was! To spend time with Father as soon as he'd gotten home. Normally all he wanted to do was drink or spend time with Mother. It was rare that Lyra got priority. She couldn't wait to ask him all sorts of questions. Maybe he'd take her with him next time.

"What are you dreaming about?" Asriel interrupted her thoughts, snapping his fingers in front of her eyes. He'd changed out of his travel clothes into equally comfortable, but significantly less musty, clothes. "Come on, now, before your Mother catches you."

Lyra grinned, running to catch up with him as he strode off towards the forest.

Yeah, things were definitely better than before.

-

Lyra was absolutely convinced that there was a bung on the Gyptian boats. She was sure that if they found it and pulled it out the boat would sink. She’d done so preliminary investigation into it, questioning her father and some of the gyptian kids. There had been mixed results. Father had just brushed her off and told her she was being ridiculous. That meant there was something to hide. The gyptian kids, on the other hand, had just ended up in a fight with her and her group.

Even more suspicious.

Yet here she was with her small troop, the others having managed to get the Costas away from their boat, unable to find it. They’d searched every inch of the boat.

“It must be here somewhere!” Lyra hit walls to check if there were any hidden compartment. She was so sure it existed! They must keep it hidden.

“They’ve caught up! We gotta go!” Simon Parslow, one of her cronies in the hit squad and in charge of lookout duty, stuck his head into the boat interior. Lyra hissed through her teeth and ushered everyone up and out. Pan leapt into a bird, flying over her head as they ran along the boat. There were shouts behind them as the other Gyptian boats neared.

“Swim away!” Lyra ordered, leaping into the Canal with a loud splash. She surfaced and gasped for air before strongly wading through the water towards the ground on the other side. She heard the distinctive plop of her less nimble companions following her.

She pulled herself out of the water, dripping wet but a wide grin on her lips. They may not have found the bung but they’d stolen a boat. She could see Ma Costa in the distance, having reacquired it, shaking her fist in the direction of the children that had ran. Lyra stuck her tongue out before helping Simon up beside her.

“We’re being followed on land,” Pan hissed, bristling as a wolf at her side.

Lyra narrowed her eyes to see a group of Gyptian kids running along the canal edge towards them. The other brats in her group spread out as their daemons became warlike. She couldn’t help but jeer as the group of children neared them. They outnumber them but Lyra had been in plenty a fight. She knew her team was the best.

The gyptians came with insults and snarling daemons, which was met with the full fury of Lyra and the college kids. Their responses were even more savage as the two groups came face to face. Daemons face each other over, growling and hissing to assert dominance. Neither backed down.

It was Lyra that landed the first punch. She leapt at the lead Gyptian, a tall boy whose name she could never remember, and slammed him right in the face. Pan leapt at his daemon and they fought in a tussle of claws and teeth. Lyra dodged another swing from him and kneed him right in the stomach. She swung around to elbow another who had tried to attack her from behind. There was a wild smile on her lips, a vicious adrenaline that only occured in these kinds of situations.

One that quickly turned to fear as Ma Costa waded in, beating Gyptian children out of the way to grasp Lyra by the shoulders. She gave her a harsh shake as the other children cowered back. They all feared her.

“Why did you steal my boat, girl?”

“For fun,” Lyra retorted, holding her fierce gaze even as she quaked in her boots. “Cause I wanted to.”

Ma Costa barked out a laugh. “You got guts, girl, I’ll give you that.” She let go of Lyra’s shoulders only to shake a finger in her face. “I e’nt gonna tolerate that again, you hear me, Lyra Belacqua? Next time I’ll beat your right off my boat.”

“Alright, I won’t,” Lyra was quick to agree with a nod and a step away. She felt like she was getting off a little too easy. She could tell Ma Costa was still angry even through her amusement at Lyra’s simple reason (she certainly wasn’t going to tell her it was looking for the bung).

“Now scram, the lot of you brats.” Ma Costa fixed everyone with a hot glare. The gyptian kids were quick to scamper down the canal and Lyra led her group into the streets of Jericho and the town proper.

They continued to cause chaos there, hooting and hollering while they ran through the streets with no care for other people. They clambered on rooftops and knocked over stalls, being chased away a few more times. Then evening came and they all had to go their separate ways.

She was reluctant to go home after all the fun. Her clothes were still damp from her dip in the river and she knew that Mother would pull her up on that. She spent most evenings with Mother now and while she did enjoy it, today she just wanted to collapse in bed.

Lyra was glad to find out she was having dinner alone, for mother had a guest for another hour and father was still out. It gave her a chance to wash and get changed into clean (and more appropriate) clothes.

After eating she sauntered into her mother's study, where she knew she'd end up dragged off to anyway. She picked up the book she was reading, detailing the biology of insects (something her parents didn't care about but she found surprisingly interesting), and collapsed in a chair. Pan curled up on her lap and closed his eyes. He was even more drained than she was, somehow.

She was half way through the current chapter when the door swung open and Mother walked in. She gently caressed Lyra's head on the way past before sitting down too, in one of the more comfortable chairs near Lyra rather than at her desk. Lyra watched her over the top of her book. It seemed Mother was especially tired today too.

They sat in a comfortable silence for a while as Mother poured herself some wine and sipped at it.

"I heard you had a nice day," Mother spoke first, smile on her lips anything but charming.

"I did." Lyra didn't even bother to put down her book even as she stopped reading it to continue to watch Mother. Pan roused from his half nap, eyes alert.

Mother tapped an immaculate nail against the small table beside her, smile widening even as her eyes flashed dangerously. "I was informed that you stole a boat and got into a fight with some of the other children. What did I tell you about fighting, Lyra?"

Lyra tried to look as nonchalant as possible even as Pan crawled up her chest, the golden monkey edging closer to them. She gave mother a sickly sweet, and fake as all hell, smile of her own. "To always win, just like you do."

Mother shot her an incredibly dirty look, corners of her lips twitching downward. The monkey made to grab Pan but he was too quick, jumping off of Lyra and shifting to a moth. He flapped his way up to the roof and stayed there. The monkey looked up mournfully. Lyra snorted into her book.

There were no words said, but the glare from her Mother was enough to tell how she felt. Lyra just met her gaze evenly. Recently she had grown more and more confident against her Mother's hidden barbs. If Pan could get out of the way it was left as a battle of wills.

After all, Mother would never actually raise a hand to Lyra herself.

"Come now, Lyra, I don't remember teaching you that."

"Its something I picked up from observations."

"Oh really? And how come you haven't picked up any of my charming habits? If you are going to copy me, do it right."

Lyra snorted. "I e'nt tryna copy you. Just picking up your tricks."

"I'm not trying to copy you, Lyra."

Lyra glared at Mother in response.

They didn't even tear their gaze away from each other as the door pushed open.

"Marisa, I can't find those papers I was working on, have you seen..." Father trailed off as he noticed the two of them glaring at each other, Daemons in a stand of as Pan fluttered around out of reach. "I'll come back later."

He walked right back out.

"Are you planning to keep this up all evening?" Mother raised an eyebrow as the door swung gently shut. "Believe me, Lyra dear, I have plenty of time. And I will win. I don't know what you hope to achieve with this little act of defiance."

Lyra stifled a yawn. Mother was right, she was already growing sleepy. But she wasn't going to give up. There was a certain thrill to pushing mother like this. When it was something so small she was in trouble for, as inconsequential as a fight she'd had with other children, she could risk it. She knew Mother merely wished to mould her towards a perfect lady but would never be too harsh. Surely being like this meant she was modelling herself after her mother?

"I can do it all night," Lyra retorted, even as her words came out slightly mumbled. Her head was beginning to feel fuzzy as if someone had stuffed it was cotton wool. She must be really tired. Her head drooped but she forced it to snap back to attention.

"Lyra?" Mother's voice was tinged with concern rather than the precious malice it had held.

Lyra frowned and Pan stuttered in his flight, half falling onto her shoulder. She frowned at him too. She was perfectly fine. Her head was just a bit sore that was all.

She just needed a nice nap...

"Lyra!"

-

Lyra swam in and out of consciousness for the next few days.

She only remembered snippets. There was a constant warmth at her side, alternating between smooth and rough hands against her brow. In each waking moment she knew she wasn't alone as there was always someone at her bedside. It brought Pan comfort too even as they both struggled to stay awake.

She felt horrible. It was like her mind was entirely clogged up and non functional. She could barely form a thought. All she could do was sleep, and eat the food gently placed in her mouth.

When she finally woke up with the ability to think, it was Father sitting at her bedside. He had a newspaper in hand even as he kept casting glances at his ill daughter. Stelmaria was curled up on her bed, a comforting weight against her legs and around Pan. She felt a warmth spark in her chest and tears prick her eyes.

"Daddy," she choked out, struggling to sit up.

He leapt up immediately, strong hand on her back as he sat her up against a myriad of pillows. "Don't push yourself, you're weak right now."

Lyra nodded, smiling slightly as Father felt her brow to check her temperature. She still felt ill but nowhere near as bad.

"I'm glad you're recovering," he murmured softly, Stelmaria moving rest further against her even as he stepped back. Lyra hid a bright smile against the snow leopard's head. Father was still so bad at showing his feelings but they always shone through Stel. She wrapped her arms around Stelmaria and Pan nuzzled against them both. "You worried us."

"How long was I asleep?" Lyra asked, voice cracked from lack of use.

"Four days," Asriel responded gruffly. "The doctors think you caught something from your dip in the canal."

Lyra's heart sank. Now Mother would have even more fuel to try and discourage her from her unruly playing. Not that she needed anymore, for she already heavily disapproved of it.

"Maybe next time, don't take a swim in autumn and then run around without getting warm," Asriel commented wryly, a smirk on his lips as he seemed to read Lyra's thoughts. "You're mother won't stop you if she doesn't know."

Lyra grinned at that, wide and toothy. Then her stomach let out a loud growl and she flushed fiercely as both Asriel and Stelmaria looked at her in amusement.

"I'll go get you some food," Asriel chuckled, ruffling her hair as Stelmaria stretched and hopped off the bed. "Your mother will be home soon. She'll be eager to see you now that you're awake."

Lyra made a face even as she blushed further, burrowing down into her blankets. She wouldn't admit it but... She was looking forward to seeing Mother. She must have been so worried when Lyra fainted.

"No getting out of bed while I'm gone," Father ordered, stern even with the smile on his lips.

Lyra rolled her eyes but nodded. Once he left she let her eyes fluttered closed.

Getting ill sucked, but maybe it wasn't so bad with her parents to look after her.


	5. Let The World Exhume Your Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter this time, I wasn't particularly inspired sorry!
> 
> Also you'll maybe notice I reduced the chapter count. I still plan to write a chapter 7, however it's post canon and I was originally going to end it at chapter 6 anyway. It's optional, in a way, so I'm going to save writing it until Femslash Feb is done! So the next chapter will give as satisfactory a finish (I hope)
> 
> Enjoy and comments always appreciated, ty for all the love on this fic~

Father had left again, and they ended up moving to London for the time he was away. Mother's work was reaching a critical stage where she needed to be in London as often as possible. It made sense for the two of them to move into the flat there.

Lyra much preferred Oxford and she missed Roger and the others terribly. But there was fun of a different kind to be had in London.

She was almost eleven, and she felt like she was already hurtling towards adulthood. In her mind she was already very grown up.

Her new friends were like that. They were all between the ages of ten and twelve and in similar situations with parents far too busy to give them enough time. Here in London most of the kids in the area had parents into business or similar, who spent more time with work than them. But they didn't play like Lyra did at Oxford.

Sure, they still had their scuffles with other groups. But there were no brick burner children or gyptians nearby. It was an entirely different dynamic. It wasn't as easy to run about or climb the buildings in a city like London. So instead they made their own fun.

They stole alcohol and drank and smoked in dingy back alleys. They threw rocks at people and hit other groups areas, stealing their supplies. And they talked, all sorts of shit that Lyra could only dream of. She fit in pretty well, though, with her ability to tell lies.

She'd never admit it to her new friends, but she did prefer running wild and fighting rather than gossiping and drinking. But anything was better than boredom and lessons.

She had her first kiss there too.

"I kissed a boy today," she blurted out later in the evening when Mother was ignoring her in such an irritating fashion. She knew her work wasn't so important to be doing this late at night.

"Oh really?" Mother raised an eyebrow, eyes flickering over to her momentarily. "Did you get anything from him?"

Lyra's mouth dropped open and Pan fell off her lap with a squawk. Mother just smiled in that fake way of hers that really rubbed Lyra the wrong way in times like this.

"No," she retorted sullenly, cheeks burning up as she blushed. "We was just trying it out. I kissed a girl too."

"Hmm," Mother waved a hand as if that was nonsense. "There's no benefit to kissing other girls, dear. They're not as foolish as men and won't fall for your charms easily. Men are the ones you can manipulate with it."

Lyra felt like her eyes were going to fall out of her head from how wide her eyes got as she stared at mother. She stored the information in the back of her mind, knowing it was some kind of lesson but hoping she'd never have to use it. Then she narrowed her eyes. "Is that why you kiss Father? To get something from him."

Mother put down her papers too face her fully with a dark frown and a glare. "That is different and you know it, Lyra."

Lyra shrugged cause honestly she didn't know the difference. Strange, adult things. Still, it was best to change the topic before mother got angrier. She had been especially tense recently. "How did your meetings go today?"

"Well," Mother started, taking great joy in complaining about all she'd been through while Lyra listened with a vacant expression and a blank smile.

-

Mother was growing noticeably more stressed while also throwing more and more social gatherings. It was an all round terrible combination for Lyra. She was dragged around like some exotic animal on display. Everyone cooed at her and asked ridiculous questions that she had to answer politely to avoid being pinched by her mother. She hated it.

Thankfully, mother's stress had mostly manifested in tiredness. This meant she didn't have the energy to get properly annoyed at Lyra or shout at her. Half the time Mother would come home from her day and want comfort in the form of hugging Lyra. She made herself especially pliant on those days. It was better to just deal with the clinginess than be constantly on edge.

To say Lyra was relieved when Father came back at the end a particularly large party was an understatement. She practically threw herself into his arms.

"Daddy!" she squealed, mind half stained by tiredness as she snuggled against his chest. She took in his musty scent, a smell of the outdoors and freedom. So different from the scent mother had forcefully sprayed on her. Pan was rubbing cheeks with Stelmaria, both purring as snow leopards.

"Looks like someone missed me," Father chuckled, hugging her to him for a moment before putting her down on the floor. He pulled Mother to him to kiss her cheek even as she tried to push him away.

"You'll get my dress dirty," she wrinkled her nose and carefully stepped away from him. "Go get cleaned and then make yourself useful, Asriel, I still have some guests to entertain. Lyra, you can retire if you are too tired. It is getting late."

Without waiting for their confirmation she walked away, heels clicking against marble as she spun back into the living room. Father let out a soft sigh.

"Well I best get to it," he commented, flashing a wry smile at Lyra. "Your mother will be unhappy if I take too long. And you should get to bed."

"But you just got here," Lyra pouted.

"I know, kid," he ruffled her hair. "I missed you too, but we can spend all of tomorrow together, alright?"

Lyra nodded.

"Good girl, off you go."

Reluctantly Lyra did as she was told and scurried off to her room. She was more than glad to strip off the restraining teal dress she'd worn, dumping the garishly sequined thing on the ground. Her night clothes were much more comfortable.

She snuggled into bed with Pan but as wide awake as she was now she knew she wouldn't get to sleep. All exhaustion was gone when she hit her bed.

So instead she read until she couldn't hear anymore guests. Then she crept into the living room where mother and father were sitting, resting against each other.

Stelmaria noticed her first and approached her with a light grump. She knelt down to let the snow leopard lick her face lightly.

"You should be in bed," she commented gruffly, gaze unblinking.

"Couldn't sleep," she mumbled, looking up at where her parents now watched her. "I tried but it e'nt happening."

Mother sighed softly but indicated for Lyra to join them. She hopped up in between them, gladly snuggling against her Mother's side.

"Aren't you too big for this now?" Father asked with laughing eyes.

"Eleven e'nt too big to hug my parents," Lyra retorted, sticking at her tongue to his laughter and mothers arm around her.

"She'll never be too old," Mother added with the soft smile she got when she was enjoying her family's company. Lyra relaxed further. Things must have gone well tonight.

"One day she will be," Father replied gruffly, even as he ruffled her hair again. "Enjoy being a kid while you can, Lyra."

"I will," Lyra grinned before she craned her head to look up at mother. "Did it go well tonight?"

"Yes, it did," Mother smiled contentedly. "I got all the funding I need."

"So you're going North?" Father asked and Lyra's head shot up. Mother was going up North too?

"What about me?" she squawked, but mother quieted her before she could complain more.

"We're going north," Mother corrected. "All of us."

Lyra's eyes were as wide as saucers. "I'm going North?"

"Yes you are, dear," Mother smile softly and stroked her hair.

"When?" Father frowned slightly, though it didn't seem it was because he was upset at the thought of them all going.

"Next week."

"That's a short time to get everything prepared."

Lyra zoned out their conversation about the logistics, eyes slowly fluttering closed as Pan curled around her neck. She was finally going to the North. They all were. She couldn't wait.

But she was too tired to dwell on the excitement, and instead she fell asleep curled up between her parents.

-

The North was much more boring than Lyra had expected.

She'd hoped for adventure and exploration. Instead she was stuck inside most of the time, with stuffy scientists and a mother who had even less time for her than before. Here there weren't any other children her age. She had to make her own fun along with Pan.

They were good at finding all the nooks and crannies in the station, the place mother worked. They were fairly certain there wasn't a single hiding place they'd missed. On the other hand, there was only so much they could crawl through vents and find secret passageways alone.

They'd taken up reading. Among the myriad of science books they'd found a few fiction riveting enough to hold their attention.

It was better when Father was there.

He spent a fair amount of his time even further North in his own research centre. His visit were shorter but much more frequent. Overall she got much more time with him than she had in Oxford.

And he actually seemed to want her company, unlike Mother.

He taught her all sorts of stuff. She helped him with tying knots and packing his sled and all sorts of things that someone with more nimble fingers found easier. He was excited to tell her about his research and what it was like the further North you got. He explained how compasses stopped working and the snow fell so heavily that you were stuck inside for days.

She missed him when he left for weeks and she was stuck with Mother. Mother would just wave Lyra away and entirely ignore everything she said. She tried to push her luck, be so annoying Mother had to pay attention to her, but one sharp look and the monkey leaping at Pan had put a stop to that.

They still spent time in the evening together like they did in London. But it wasn't like Lyra had any friends to play with here.

"Take me with you," she whined to her Father when he was next back.

"Why should I do that?" Father asked with a raised eyebrow, smile sardonic where he lounged across an entire couch. Stelmaria watched her unblinkingly from when she was curled up beside it.

Lyra flushed under their attention but retorted fiercely, Pan an Arctic fox boosting her confidence. "Cause I got nothing to do here. I can be useful!"

"Are you sure about that?" Father chuckled. "Your mother will be worried sick if i take you with me."

"No she won't!" Lyra scowled, Pan switching to a hissing wildcat. Stelmaria just fixed him with a done look. It didn't particularly deter either of them. "She e'nt got any time for me. She'll be glad to be rid of me for a bit, I'm sure."

"I'll talk to her about it," Father responded, I'm a complacent tone that meant he was sure Mother would say no. It was better than nothing.

Lyra grinned at that, Pan switching back to an ermine and scampering on her lap. She shuffled over to lean against the couch Father was on, where his feet war, and put her book on the floor. She didn't have much interest in it right now. Not when she seemed to have his attention. He certainly wasn't reaching for something to read so he could ignore her.

"How's the research going?"

"I'm so close," Asriel let out an irritated sigh, hand resting on Stelmaria's head. "I can feel it within my grasp. I'll be able to prove my theories soon I'm sure... My theories about it."

"About what?"

"You're too young to understand, Lyra."

"You always say that! Whenll I be old enough?"

He fixed her with a hard stare. "When you're an adult. It's too dangerous for you to know about. If the wrong people find out about it, well..."

"Then why are you doing it if its so dangerous," Lyra looked back it it, head tilted and eyes shining with curiosity.

"Because someone has to."

There was a conviction in his tone, and a dark longing in his eyes, that meant she didn't question him further. It was always like this when he spoke of his research. Some more specific but he never gave her the details. It was always looking for something. What it was, she didn't know.

But she could accept not knowing for just now if her Father thought it would protect her. If it would protect him.

She just wished she could help him carry the heavy burden she could sense weighing him down.

-

Lyra was practically vibrating with excitement as she helped Father pack the sled. Pan rolled about in the snow as an Arctic Fox, letting out joyful yips that echoed Lyra's own grin. She couldn't tell whether Father was already done with her antics or amused, Stelmaria pushing her away from the sled so she didn't get in the way of father packing the last few items. She knew he hadn't expected Mother to say yes.

Mother stood a bit away, wrapped up in her furs and a ridiculous hat that Lyra thought looked terrible (not that she'd tell her that). The monkey stood on her shoulder for he didn't even want to touch the cold ground. She indicated for Lyra to come over.

"Now, you must listen to everything your father says," Mother berated as if Lyra was just waiting to put herself in danger. "You do not leave his side for a second. Do you understand, Lyra?"

"Yeah."

Mother gave her a narrow look before pulling her in for a tight hug. "I'll miss you."

She eventually let go with a weak smile, as if she were saying goodbye to someone about to be gone for months. It was only a week - a week which mother had agreed to. And it wasn't like they really saw each other anyway.

"Keep her safe," Mother said to Father who just gave a grunt in response.

"We gotta go, before the storm hits," he said, giving Mother a quick peck on the lips before leading Lyra onto the slay.

"Stay safe both of you! Come home in a week! No later."

They didn't get a chance to respond as Father urged the dogs into motion and they sped off.

-

"Lyra, don't touch that," Father sighed for the tenth time that day as she picked up another tool, eyes brimming with curiosity.

She pouted and shuffled around to where he was looking through some kind of spyglass. "What can I touch?"

He leaned back to look at her thoughtfully. "Nothing."

"That's not fair," she grumbled, shuffling away to let him get back to his work. She collapsed down onto the floor against Stelmaria dramatically. The snow leopard looked at her, unamused, and Pan scurried up onto her shoulder.

She just pouted more at Stel and snuggled against her side. She could sense her father's daemon sighing as much as it was possible to before resting her head back against her paws.

Lyra was bored.

She'd thought going with Father would be exciting. But instead she'd spent most of her time during the day reading or watching her father as he went about his work. They talked with each other in the evenings when done, something she enjoyed for she rarely got so much consistent time with him, but that aside it was basically like she was at the station.

"I thought we was gonna go out on an expedition when I was here," she complained after watching Father for another few minutes.

He fixed her with a hard stare and Stelmaria shifted behind her, gently batting Pan away from where he was poking his face in hers. "There's a storm right now, Lyra. How do you suggest we go outside in that?"

"I dunno," she shrugged, gesturing wildly with her hands. "But we could like... I dunno... We could..."

"You're bored," he interrupted, snide smile on his lips.

"Yeah. I e'nt got anything to do here."

"I didn't promise to entertain you if I brought you with me. You knew that, yet you insisted on coming."

"I thought there'd be more to do than in the station," Lyra muttered, unable to keep the bitterness from her voice. "I thought you wouldn't ignore me like mother."

Father sighed softly, Running a hand through his hair as Stelmaria rubbed her face comfortingly against Lyra. "We'll go out as soon as the storm let's up, okay?"

"Okay."

-

They ate dinner together after Father and Lyra got back. Mother had insisted, even though the two of them were tired.

"How was the trip?" Mother asked as she put more vegetables on Lyra's plate. Lyra groaned at that.

"Nothing out of the ordinary," Father responded.

Lyra's head shot up, just registering the question after being distracted by vegetables. "It was amazing! I got to properly see the aurora! It lit up the sky with so many pretty colours."

"That's lovely, dear," Mother smiled.

"It was!" Lyra was practically bouncing up and down in her chair with excitement. "And I helped Father take pictures! We climbed up this mountain which was hard but I managed it easy."

"You needed me to help you up."

She shushed Pan, trying to push him back into her shirt. His eyes shone with amusement and he hopped away to join Stelmaria and the monkey under the table. "Hardly, I e'nt a baby."

"I thought you weren't going to take her out like that," Mother turned to Father with a narrowed gaze.

"She insisted," Father responded without even bothering to swallow his food. Mothers lips curled up in disgust. "If she wants to be an explorer I'm not going to stop her."

"Yeah, I want to be like Father!" Lyra piped up.

Mother pursed her lips. "You have plenty of time till you have to decide something like that.

Lyra snorted. As if her mind was going to change. But still, she didn't want Mother to stop her from going on other adventures like this. "Father made sure that I was perfectly safe. I listened to everything he said and was never in danger. He would've protected me if I were!"

"She was never in any danger," Father confirmed.

Mother still looked unconvinced, eyes darting between the two as if they'd ganged up on and betrayed her. Of course she quite easily took offence if they didn't completely agree with her.

So Lyra, being the most sensible in the room at that moment, steered the conversation to safer waters to keep her happy.

It worked a charm and soon Mother was chatting merrily with them again.

-

Lyra was incredibly glad when Mother announced that the two of them were returning to Oxford. Father would stay for another few months but for now Mothers work here was done.

Lyra could tell a lot of changes were happening as more people began to arrive. A few more doctors but also people who seemed to be dressed as nurses. And so many beds were brought in. She wondered what they were for.

Mother told her not to worry about it. It didn't concern her. For once Lyra didn't let curiosity get the better of her and dutifully set about packing up her stuff.

She was sad to say goodbye to Father but she was excited to get back to Oxford more than anything.

She'd missed home. And more than anything, she'd missed Roger.

And she'd missed actually spending time with Mother. She hoped things would go back to normal when they were back.

The first few days were spent in London, with mother jumping between so many meetings that Lyra barely saw her. She took the chance to catch up with her London friend, smoking and drinking, before they left.

But finally they got back to Oxford, late evening of the third day.

"Did everything go well, then?" Lyra asked the next morning as they lounged in the sitting room. Both were still in pyjamas and had eaten breakfast there. It had been unanimously decided it was a lazy day. Mother especially needed the break, and Lyra was happy to aid with that.

"Of course it did," Mother smiled. "I had them eating out of the palm of my hand."

Lyra didn't doubt it, for she knew how easily Mother could twist people around her little finger. "Did you get more funding?"

"Yes," Mother's smile furthered.

Lyra tilted her head curiously, hand running through Pan’s fur where he lay in her lap. "What is that you're doing there, in the station? Is it like fathers work?"

"Oh no, quite the opposite in fact," Mother laughed, a fake kind that jarred in Lyra's ears. "I am creating a better future for everyone. A future without sin."

"What does that mean?" Lyra blinked, leaning forward to watch Mother careful.

"Oh, Lyra," Mother gently ran a hand across her cheek. "You are too young to understand. But there will come an age where you do things you regret. My research will help prevent that."

"How?"

"Well I can't quite explain that right now," Mother tittered, hand moving to gently run through Lyra's hair. "It is still a work in progress. But when its working, I'll tell you all about it. You will understand then."

"Okay." Lyra was unsure, she didn't understand what Mother meant by ridding the world of sin but it must be a good thing? Stopping people from doing stuff wrong and hurting others. That sounded like a nice world.

"Well," Mother clapped her hands together. "That's quite enough of that serious talk. How about we go shopping? You've grown again so we need to get you some new dresses!"

Lyra suppressed a groan and instead force a smile. She hated shopping but at least it often ended with a trip to a little cake shop she liked. She could get through it for that.

So she let mother usher her out of the sitting room to get ready to go out.

-

Rumours of the Gobblers began to circulate a few weeks after they got back to Oxford. It is Roger who tells her it, as they sit on her bed and share breakfast.

Mother had spent two weeks with her upon their return before leaving to travel for business. This time Lyra had been left in Oxford in the care of Jordan College. She'd temporarily moved back into her old room until Mother got back. Only a few weeks, Mother had said as they clung to each other before she left. She'd dropped a warm kiss to Lyra's brow and then was gone.

Lyra had mixed feelings about being back in Jordan. She got to spend plenty of time with Roger, at least.

"There's no way the Gobblers are real," Lyra snorted as she stuffed bacon into her face.

"They are," Roger insisted. "The servants are all talking bout it. There's been kids taken from all over. Loads of kids disappear from one place then the gobblers move on.

Lyra hummed thoughtfully. "I e'nt heard bout this."

"That cause you e'nt a servant," Roger retorted. "And you e'nt visited the Gyptians since you got back."

"What's that gotta do with it?"

"They been all anxious cause gyptian kids keep getting taken everywhere. Shoulda seen how much they was watching their kids when we was playing there. This e'nt a joke, Lyra, the gyptians are real. Even Ma Costa seemed anxious."

Lyra was still skeptical, but if Ma Costa thought it was a real risk then she'd believe it too. Ma Costa wasn't quick to get worried about anything. "Alright, but we're safe here. They e'nt come to Oxford yet."

"Not yet but they're getting nearer," Roger frowned, wringing his hands in his lap. "They'll get here eventually."

"Yeah," Lyra shrugged. "But they won't dare come into Jordan. The Master would never allow it."

"There e'nt much kids to take here anyway," Roger nodded as if that removed any risk to them.

"Ay, exactly. We e'nt in danger," her eyes glinted with a childish glee. "I know! Let's play a new game, kids and Gobblers."

"What's that?"

"Well I'm a gobbler and I chase you round the catacombs tryna catch you! Then I slice you open when I do!"

Roger shuddered. "Does it have to be down there."

"Course! It e'nt fun elsewhere."

"Alright..." he didn't seem convinced, but he would Lyra anywhere and she knew that.

"Well c'mon, let's go," Lyra grinned and grabbed his hand. "I'll be the Gobbler first and you can be the kid tryna escape."


	6. They Just Want You Suffer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's finally written!
> 
> This took absolutely ages cause of burnout and just struggling with certain parts xD Also a bunch of this is like rewrite of the series sorry about that! But I hope you enjoy the spin on it.
> 
> Also this is the end of the series! There will be a seventh part post canon at some point but this is the original ending and I hope its satisficatory~

Father came back just shortly after she turned twelve, in a whirlwind of excitement and news and discovery. He barely spent a day with them before he's off to Jordan College to get funding. Though it was not like Mother had been home for long either.

Not that Lyra cares, she told herself, even as she snuck away from mother and ran along the roofs of the college after her father. She just wanted to know what big discovery was. The one that had caused him to be so passionate with mother but that he'd refused to tell her about.

Mother knew, she was sure, but she was told she was too young to understand. But she was twelve already! That was plenty old.

"The retiring room is forbidden!" Pan hissed as Lyra yanked open the window. She rolled his eyes at him.

"Not to see my Father it e'nt!"

She climbed in the window, only to have to instantly climb out and drop to the floor. "Ok, that was close."

Pan just fixed her with a judgmental stare. She stuck her tongue out at him and crawled to the window to carefully watch through it.

Her eyes widened as the master put some kind of powder into a bottle of Tokay meant for her father.

"He's going to poison father," Lyra hissed to Pan, moving to a crouch now.

"We don't know that."

"Why else would he send the steward away?"

"I don't know," Pan hushed himself, both going silent and tensing as the door banged open.

Lyra couldn't help but feel a sense of pride as her Father strode in. He was so powerful, so confident, she was certain he would get whatever funding he needed. Stelmaria followed behind him and stretched out at the fire with a yawn. All Lyra and Pan wanted was to jump in the window and join her there. It had been so long since they'd curled up with the snow leopard.

She couldn't believe that a few months had become a short time in her mind, in relation to her father. She wondered when that had happened.

Pan let out a quiet hiss, breaking Lyra out of her thoughts as her eyes jerked to her father.

"No!" she leapt through the window, barrelling against him and hitting the glass out of his hand. It shattered as Father grabbed her arm and slammed her into the table. "Ow!"

"Lyra? What are you doing here, Lyra?" he barked out, anger thick in his voice.

"Let me go and ill tell you!" She hissed as she twisted in his harsh grip.

"I'll break your arm first," he snapped. Stelmaria growled at him, low and concerned, and he let her go before making good on his threat. She winced and rubbed her shoulder. It hurt. "What are you doing here?"

"I just saved your life," she retorted, slight cheek ruined as a smile split her lips at Stelmaria rubbing against her legs. She bent down to wrap her arms around the snow leopard. "The Master put poison in your drink. We saw it."

"Oh really?" Asriel raised an eyebrow, though he followed over to where Pan was sniffing a white powder on the ground. He carefully put a small amount to his tongue. Then he knocked the decanter onto the floor. Lyra leapt back as it shattered. "Well, that was clumsy of me, wasn't it?"

"Someone tries to kill you and you get rid of the evidence?! Why e'nt you doing something about it?"

"Yes," Asriel bared his teeth at her, gently grabbing her shoulders. "I am, I'm wondering why the master wants to kill me. Now, does your mother know you're here?"

She glared at him with a stroppy pout. Did he really not take his life that seriously? She couldn't understand why he seemed so calm. "No she don't."

"So she's not expecting you back?"

Lyra shrugged. Mother had seemed busy that day, which was half of why she'd managed to sneak away from her lessons. Though she'd definitely be mad when Lyra went home that evening.

"Asriel," Stelmaria rumbled warningly.

"It'll be fine," Father murmured in response as they shared a silent conversation. Lyra watched, confused, as he started to check cupboards before leading her to a particularly large one. "Now, Lyra, do you want to help me out?"

"Not particularly," she frowned even as excitement lept in her chest. Stelmaria chuckled lightly at that.

"I want you to watch the master for me," he smiled, half sardonic and half amused. "Especially at the mention of dust. Can you do that for me?"

"What's dust?"

He jerked his head towards the door at the sound of approaching voices. "There's no time to explain. Come on, quickly now."

Lyra shot him a glare without any venom as climbed into the cupboard, lying flat on her stomach. Father crouched in front grate at the side of it.

"Keep silent. I won't be able to help you if they find out you’re here," he whispered. She nodded and he smiled slightly. "Good girl."

Then he was greeting the master and she settled down to observe.

-

She woke up in her Father's arms, carefully carrying her home. Pan was nuzzled against her neck as he also slowly woke up. She kept her eyes closed and her breathing still. Pretend to be asleep.

It was rare for Father to carry her like this.

She continued to act as Father pushed open the door to the house, calmly but firmly stopping mother from waking Lyra up with her shrill panic. His voice lowered to a soft murmur that Lyra couldn't quite hear before mother leaned over to press a kiss to her brow and father carried her up the stairs.

Lyra managed to keep up her act until she was gently placed on her bed, shoes removed, when Pan let out a quiet yawn which had Stelmaria alert. The snow leopard let out a warm rumble and Lyra twisted to look at her father.

"Did you get the funding?"

"You couldn't have woken up while I carried you here," Father muttered with a raised eyebrow, even though she could tell he wasn't really bothered by it. "And yes, I did."

"Does that mean you're going up north?"

"I am."

"Can I come?"

Father hesitated and then let out a soft sigh. "No. You're safer here with your mother."

"But-"

"There's no changing my mind," Father held up his hand. She pouted, crossing her arms in a huff as Pan hissed in her lap. Stelmaria reached up a paw to bat him and put a stop to that.

"Will you at least tell me what dust is?"

"It's too complicated," Father shook his head. "And I must speak to your mother before I start preparations."

Her pout deepened as she hit him with her most adorable, wide eyed look. "Can I see the head?"

The stare he gave her was absolutely incredulous and his upper lip curled. "No, what, why would I let you do that? That's absolutely disgusting."

Lyra sighed, realising at this point that she wasn't going to get anything else from him. She'd store the information for later and question him tomorrow. Or maybe she'd question Mother. She decided to go down the other route of things she wanted to know.

"Do we still trust the master?"

He bared his teeth at that. "I don't trust anyone."

She tilted her head, confusion running through her. "Not even mother? Or me?"

"We'll see about that."

That only made her more confused.

"It's late, you need to get some sleep," he said before she could ask any more questions. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, pulling the covers up further over her. "Goodnight, Lyra."

"Goodnight."

-

She heard her parents arguing later. They're shouts carried down the hallway and echoed around her room.

It seems mother hadn't known exactly what his discovery was or what he wished to do with it. And when she did she was absolutely furious at him.

She could only hear snippets of it, the words sin and dust and other ones she didn't understand. She got the gist. Mother was on the Magisterium's side and father was not. Where their research had once worked together it didn't any longer.

At least that's what she guessed from the small snippets she got. Part of her wanted to go and listen but Pan stopped her. It was too dangerous.

It ended with a slammed door and then silence.

She frowned and fell into a fitful sleep.

-

Father was gone the next morning, without saying goodbye.

So was Billy Costa, rumours of the gobblers being in Oxford spreading along with his disappearance.

-

Mother informed her the day after that they were moving to London. Lyra's stuff was already packed and she had a few hours before they left. It was so sudden and left her with so little time to say goodbye.

She'd try asking about Father, only to be told to not mention his name. Mother had a scary look in her eyes, worse than any Lyra had ever seen before. She'd still asked if her parents were still together. Mother had just pursed her lips and harshly told her to leave.

She wanted to know why it was they'd argued. Was it because of his discovery of the city in the sky? Was it dust? But surely mother must have known about what Father was researching. Had he kept it from her, knowing that she would react the way she did? She wished she could get the answer to all these questions, but knew there was no way to get it out of Mother. She wished father had stayed so she could ask him more instead. She didn't want her parents' relationship to be ruined like this, but there was nothing she could do about it.

So she put it to the back of her mind and travelled to Jordan to say goodbye. She didn't want to leave but she was sure she'd be back soon enough. Mother and Father would make up as they always did when he came back, and they'd all return to Oxford. It would only be a few months. Far shorter than her time up North.

Before she could find Roger, though, she was basically kidnapped by the librarian and taken to see the Master. He gave her some weird compass like this, an alethiometer, and instructions to not tell anyone about it. Especially her mother. She found it suspicious but... The Master had always been so kind to her. So she decided to trust him on this one. Mother would only confiscate it from her, anyway.

Then she couldn't find Roger.

She looked everywhere and asked everyone. She ran across the rooftops and screamed at the top of her lungs. But he was nowhere to be found. She wracked her brain for anywhere she may be, Pan aiding her with nooks and crannies she'd forgotten. Panic and fear swirled into one as she realised no one had seen him since the night before. She cling the wooden charm permanently around her neck with a growing sense of dread.

It was as if he had just disappeared.

"The gobblers got Roger," she cried out, pants racking through her body as she stood in the door of Mother's study. She'd run the whole way home. "He's gone and he e'nt been seen and it must've been the gobblers! They got Billy just a few days ago!"

"Lyra, calm down," Mother spoke softly, soothingly, and stood to gently pull Lyra to her. "Tell me what happened, slowly."

So she explained everything, pliant to mother leading her to a chair and pulling her into her lap. Her eyes shone with tears by the end of it. Roger was gone as she hadn't been there to help her.

"Well," mother pursed her lips. "They'll have taken him to London."

"Why?"

"Because children disappear so much more easily there, of course."

"We need to find him!"

"We will," Mother soothed, pressing Lyra's hair back from her face. "I will do everything I can to look for him. You have to trust me, alright?"

"Alright, I trust you."

-

Lyra absolutely hated the dress she'd been forced into for this party. Mother had her serving drinks, smiling simperingly to all the people mother wanted pleased.

She had thought that Mother would be too busy with work to organise these things. But it seemed mother just loved to need to be in the limelight. Lyra hated it.

She tugged at the teal silk dress with a scowl, Pan sitting on her shoulder as a beautiful and matching butterfly. She absolutely hated this. She hated being put on show so her Mother could get what she wanted. She'd been warned that tonight was especially important and that she had to be on her best behaviour. There had been a danger in her mother's eyes and the monkeys clenched fist that stopped her from arguing or considering acting out.

So she smiled at the guests and handed them drinks, answering their questions. One caught her eye - a young, pretty woman she had never seen before. She was glancing around as if worried she would be caught out for being here. Lyra tilted her head slightly as their eyes met. Perhaps she should tell Mother.

Before she could slide away the woman had approached her with a nervous smile. "What a surprise to see such a young lady here. Are you Lady Belacqua's assistant?"

Lyra raised a belligerent eyebrow. "No, I'm her daughter. Who are you?"

"Adèle Starminster ... I'm a journalist," she glanced around again with another smile. "How about we go talk outside? Don’t you want to know what is going on here?"

That only made Lyra more suspicious but she allowed herself to be led out, taking a seat opposite the woman. Part of her screamed to leave and tell Mother but another desperately wanted to hear what was to be said. And it wasn't as if she'd been on great terms with Mother recently, anyway. Any gossip she heard could be of use against her during their next argument. She knew Mother was doing something for the magisterium, just not what.

“Tell me what you know,” she asked as soon as she sat down.

“I think it's a good strategy, you know,” Adèle smiled at her, leaning forward. “Best way to stay safe with one of the Gobblers. Live with one of them.”

Lyra’s mouth fell open slightly as she turned her head to look where Mother was talking merrily inside.

“That’s what they call it, isn’t it? The initials you see. General Oblation Board.”

“Gobbler,” Pan hissed from her shoulder. Just like the papers they’d read when they managed to sneak into Mother’s room.

“She’s involved… in the…” It felt as if her whole world was coming apart. This whole time she’d thought her mother was helping her, that her mother was doing some good to the world with her research. Did that mean the station up North was where they were taking the children? She shuddered to think of it.

“Oh dear, she is the Oblation Board. It’s entirely her own project,” Adèle sat back slightly, sympathy shining in her dark eyes.

"I've got to go," Lyra stood up, pulling against the hand that grasped her wrist as Pan anxiously turned into a bird.

"Lyra, Lyra. Please, if you have anything to help. Names, documents, anything could be hugely useful."

"No, no, I can't help you," Lyra shook her head and pulled her hand away. She ignored the pleading look on the journalist's face. "I can't help, I e'nt got nothing to give you."

Then she walked away, pace quickening as panic shot through her veins. Pan forced himself back into a butterfly as they weaved through the room and avoided Mother, who was now stalking towards the Adèle. She felt tears prick her eyes but refused to let them fall. She just wanted to scream, to shout and fight her mother for all that she'd done.

She had to get out of here.

Adrenaline ran through her veins as she slipped out into the corridor. The lift was open but... She couldn't leave the alethiometer behind. The Master had pushed its importance and she knew she would only regret it if she did.

She ran to her room, grabbing the bag she'd put it in and slinging it over her shoulder. She yanked the thankfully unlocked window open and climbed out.

"Careful, Lyra," Pan warned as he flapped beside her. She nodded and slowed slightly as she stepped along the narrow window ledge. Her fear pushed her forward and soon she reached the stairs on the outside of the building. Her feet landed on metal with a loud thump and she was running.

She pelted through the quieting streets of London, running and running as panic coursed through her body and her breathing ripped out of her lips.

"Lyra, stop, were not being followed!" Pan shouted at her as they rounded a corner, near a small park.

"How do you know?" Lyra panted out as she stopped, bending over with hands on her knees.

"I can't see or hear anyone," he responded, shifting into a wildcat and landing in the ground beside her softly. "We're safe now. We should rest."

"I... I can't believe it," Lyra didn't stop the tears streaming down her face now they'd stopped running, pulling her knees to her chest as she hid in a corner of the empty alley. Pan hopped onto her knees and rubbed against her. "Mother... She's in charge of the gobblers. She let them kidnap Roger. She might have even done it herself!"

"I know, it's hard to accept," Pan murmured sorrowfully.

"She lied to us! Oh Pan, how she lied. She never helped find Roger. She took him away even though he was my friend!"

"I think it was because of it," Pan shivered against her. "She wanted to control us... She didn't want us to have other attachments. She always disliked you having friends."

"So it's all my fault," Lyra gritted her teeth, fighting back angry sobs. "I'm the reason they were taken!"

"No, Lyra," Pan shook his head and pressed his face to hers. "It was her. It was all her... We didn't do anything."

"I know but if I'd looked harder! I could've stopped it."

"We can't change that. But you need to sleep just now."

Lyra nodded, hugging him close and trying to ignore all the guilt that clawed away at her.

-

She almost got captured by the gobblers only to be rescued by the Gyptians.

She gave them all the information she had and they started planning how to get their kids back.

-

Ma Costa had been kind to her so far during her time with the Gyptians. She'd hidden her from the authorities, fed her and clothed her. She had been soft to Lyra as if she were fragile. Lyra felt it, sometimes. Her world, her normalcy, had been torn away from her. Sometimes she thought she might just break. But she clung on, even as her and Pan shared mournful thoughts and tried to ignore the heartache in the pit of their mind. For all she had done, Lyra missed her mother.

Her and Pan both missed them. And that just made it all the worse. She knew she shouldn't, yet she did.

It wasn't until Lyra foolishly ran out, alerting the spy flies to her presence, that Ma Costa lost it at her.

"Why would you do that, you silly girl! We told you to stay inside but you e'nt listening to us! We're trying to keep you safe!" Ma Costa was seething, hawk daemon sitting on her shoulder with sharp eyes.

"I e'nt stupid I know that," Lyra retorted, fists clenched and eyes sullen. Pan hissed beside her as a wild cat. "I had to! I had to tell Father Coram what I seen!"

"You could have told me," Ma Costa hissed. "Or covered yourself up! You did yourself no favours."

"I'm sorry I tried to help! I was just doing what I thought was best!"

"Yes, but you do not know what is best! Listen here, Lyra Belacqua, but when you're in my care you will do as I say and follow my rules." Ma Costa took a step towards her, eyes blazing. Jal let out a high pitched screech and spread his wings.

Lyra flinched, Pan instantly leaping into her arms as fear shot through him. They clung to each other, grip tight so they couldn't get torn away, as they watched the hawk daemon.

Ma Costa's anger faltered as she watched Lyra, fear so clearly shining through her eyes. "I'm not going to hurt you, Lyra. I just want to keep you safe."

"Hurting Pan is hurting me," Lyra responded, voice cracking against her will as she only hugged Pan closer.

It took a moment, but realisation shot through Ma Costa. "Oh, dear, I'm not going to do that. Jal would never hurt Pan. Who did that to you?"

"My mother," Lyra's voice shook as her fear slipped away and tears escaped her eyes. Pan whimpered against her.

"How could she," Ma Costa growled, Lyra flinching again at the anger. "Oh, Lyra, I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at your Mother for doing that to you. She should never have touched Pan."

"But children's daemons fight all the time..."

"That's different," her voice was soft now, stepping to reduce the gap and pulling Lyra against her. Lyra resisted only a moment before melting into the hug, pressing her tear stained face against Ma Costa's shirt. "An adult should never have their daemon fight a child's. I am so sorry that happened to you, but it never will again. You are not going back to that woman. I will make sure of it."

Lyra nodded, sniffing, even as her chest twinged painfully. It was so difficult to stop herself from making excuses for her mother. It was so hard to accept that the constant fear of her golden monkey wasn't okay. Because at the end of it all, she was her mother. And she missed her.

She shook away the thoughts and let herself be cradled by Ma Costa, drinking in her warmth and soothing words.

-

Lyra asked the alethiometer everyday what her parents were doing. She told herself it was for safety, for her Mother was pursuing her and her Father was doing authority knows what. But really it was to fill in for the emptiness she felt at missing them.

Pan curled around her as a snow leopard as she checked each time, missing them in his own way. They'd decided to go to Father after they rescued all the other children. Then they could at least still have one parent.

It didn't stop her from dreaming of them both every night, of when they'd been an almost happy family.

-

A million thoughts had shot through her mind when she found out her Father was imprisoned, by her mother no less. The first was that their relationship had gone so rapidly downhill all since Father had announced his discovery. Had there been warning signs that she'd missed before then? Everything seemed fine when they were in the North.

She'd put it to the back of her mind because there was so much to do, even as the worry gnawed at her, until they began the long march to her destination. Then there was nothing to do but walk and think.

The first thing she'd do after freeing all the children would be to free her father. She had to. While he may have been the much more distant parent, she felt as if he had been closing the gap between them over the past year. A gap that had just been widening with Mother as she chafed against her expectations.

And he wasn't kidnapping children.

It didn't stop her from missing them both.

"That's a rather grim look you got there," a thick texan accent ripped her out of her thoughts, hand clapped on her shoulder. She looked up to see Lee grinning down at her. She smiled back, his cheerfulness infectious. "The walking too much for you, kid?"

"It e'nt that," she shook her head, before she looked at him with a slightly tilted head. "I thought you wasn't walking."

"I figured my legs could do with a stretch," he laughed. Hester rolled her eyes at him with a long suffering sigh, causing Lyra to giggle. It was funny that such a ridiculous man could have such a cynical daemon. "Can't sit on my ass all day, can I?"

"You definitely could," Hester commented drily.

"Oh come on, I'm not that lazy!"

"You are."

Lyra giggled, wide grin crossing her lips as she watched Hester ripping into Lee. Pan hopped off Lyra's shoulder to become an arctic hare in imitation of Hester. He bounced behind her with a cheerful gait which she watched with an unimpressed stare. Lyra shoved her hands in her pockets and grinned up at Lee.

"What's got you so cheerful now, kid?"

"Just watching you make a full of yourself," she teased.

"I don't remember that but if it cheers you up that's alright," he smiled back, ruffling the hat on the top of her head so it covered her eyes. She pouted slightly as she pulled it back up. "What were you moping about anyway, kid?"

His tone was lighthearted but Lyra caught the concern in his eyes. It was the soft look that Ma Costa gave her whenever she talked about something bad her mother had done to her. Genuine care for her. It was strange, to have it without any strings attached or fear of it being suddenly taken away. She still feared that would happen... That everyone would be like her mother.

She missed her.

"Kid?"

Lyra jerked out of her thoughts with a forced smile. "I was just thinking about my parents."

"You miss them?"

"Yeah," she shrugged one shoulder. "I know I shouldn't cause my mother is doing horrible things but... I do."

"It's understandable to miss your parents," Lee responded softly, hand moving to gently rest on her shoulder. She leaned into the soft touch. "You miss the people that matter to you, no matter what they've done."

Lyra nodded. "I e'nt going back to mother. After we free all the kids I'm gonna free father and live with him."

"I'm sure you will, kid," Lee smiled at the tenacity that shone through. Lyra had never been one to dwell on the bad. Instead she'd just power through until she fixed the problem (or made it worse). "And I'll be with you every step of the way."

Lyra grinned at that, pummeling into his side for a short hug. He hesitated before putting his arms around her.

She may miss her parents, but that was fine. She had plenty of people with her to replace them.

-

Lyra is much more terrified the second time she is taken to the station. Or Bolvanger, as she calls it now. It was much more fitting.

She was no longer visiting with her parents. Now she's a prisoner, one of the many kids stolen to get cut.

She pushes down her fear and replaces it with a blazing anger. A need to get vengeance on her mother for doing such a terrible thing. For removing a child's Daemon. She knew now what all of her Mother's research had been about up until this point. It wasn't to remove sin, it was to literally tear people apart.

Perhaps being here was a blessing in disguise. She could prepare the other children before the Gyptians came to rescue them.

She was over the moon to see Roger again, even as her breath caught in her throat in fear. But she would get him out. Their Daemons had conversations for them even as they had to keep apart. But he was different. He seemed older, more mature. He'd been through a lot.

"Lizzie?" he asked with a half amused look when they were outside during an alarm.

"They'd know who I was if I gave my name," Lyra whispered back. It was of utmost importance that her mother didn't find out that she was here. That would ruin everything.

She completely ignored Roger when he told her not to make trouble. Making trouble was what she was best at, and starting a snowball fight was such an easy way to do that. Rogers gaze was exasperated even as he followed her through the corridors of Bolvanger.

Her heart broke at the sight of the Daemon's, aimless in their cages, and the children with no life in her eyes. She vowed there and then to burn this place to the ground. There was a twinge in her heart at destroying years of her mother's work, invalidating all the pain Lyra had been through when her mother was stressed, but it was nothing compared to what was being done to these children.

She pulled Roger into a tight, but quick, hug before the tears could spill into her eyes. Then they joined the others going back in and pretended not to know each other again.

Lyra barely slept that night, the sobbing of some of the other girls piercing through her ears and causing her to cling tight to Pan. She hoped that the Gyptians would get there soon. The longer she spent here the more terrified she got.

The more it flashed back to memories of happier times. Her heart ached with the loss of her parents, even more clear when she didn't have the people she'd found around her. Pan buried closer to her at that. They both missed them, even if he was less attached to Mother.

The next morning was worse.

"It's her! She's here!" One of the girls called, standing on her bed to look out the window as an airship descended.

Lyra's breath quickened as her heart started to thud. She pressed against the wall as all the other girls ran about in a panic to get everything in perfect order. She couldn't be seen, not by her Mother. That would destroy everything she'd worked towards.

"I can't be seen by her!" she grabbed the girl who seemed most in charge, a shorter blond by the name of Annie.

A few gathered round with suspicious glances. "Why not?"

"Look, people are coming to get us out. If she sees me that'll all be gone."

"There ain't nobody coming to help us."

"There are! The Gyptians are on their way."

"What are they going to do against Tartars and the thick walls?"

Lyra held back an anxious sigh, seeing that this way was getting nowhere. "She's my mother, alright. And I know what she's doing. She's removing children's Demons. I'm here to stop that."

"Removing daemons?" Annie's voice cracked, her sheer horror at the thought reflected on all the other girls faces.

"She's at the end of the corridor!" the girl on door duty called.

Annie glanced between them. "Under the bed. Pull yourself up when I give the signal."

Lyra nodded, throwing herself under her bed and Pan scurrying under her shirt as a mouse. She got under just in time for the hissed whisper that she was near and the door slamming open.

"Hello, girls," the calm tone, so filled with hidden layers of glee and pride, almost caused Lyra to let go there and then.

Mother.

Don't, Pan thought to her as she felt tears prick her eyes. She steeled herself against the torrent of emotion that battered against her. Her heart twisted in pain as her mother's footsteps got closer. How she wished to throw herself into those arms, to go back to a year ago when she could curl up with and seek comfort from her. But those times were long gone. She knew that, even if it still hurt.

She tried to quiet her quickening breathing as the footsteps got closer and her mother asked why there was an empty bed. She could hear the monkey shuffling around and forced herself to still. She couldn't get caught, not now.

Eventually Mother left, after praising all the girls. Lyra let out a sigh of relief and dropped to the floor. She took a moment to regain her senses, arms shaking and she clung Pan to her. Just hearing her mother had affected her so much. She had no idea how she would stay hidden the whole time.

She just hoped Mother left soon.

Lyra waited until they were eating, nerves still shooting through her, to talk to the other girls. Pan whispered to Stelmaria so that Roger could spread the message around the boys too.

She told them all about the Gyptians coming for them, what they were doing here and how they'd get out. She gave orders for them to all get ready to run the next time the fire alarm went off.

"Lizzie Brooks!" The voice cut through the heavy silence that fell across the room.

Lyra's breath caught in her throat and Annie's hand grabbed her own, squeezing even as Lyra's mind went completely blank. No, this couldn't be happening.

"Come on, Lizzie," the doctor, smiling so horribly, was looking at her expectantly. Lyra looked around at all the other girls fearfully before slowly standing up to follow them out the door. Pan trotted behind her, terror bouncing between the two of them.

This couldn't be it. They couldn't... No she couldn't even consider it. She clenched visibly shaking hands together. No, she wouldn't let them.

She bolted down the corridor, making a break for it in an attempt to get away.

Then she felt something horribly wrong. A sharp pain forced her to the ground, gasps tearing out her body as two men grabbed her. It felt as if her skin was crawling, like someone had reached in and grabbed her heart. One of the doctors for holding Pan. Another human was holding her precious Pan! And it felt so horrible. She abhorred it and both were struggling to get out of that man's grasp.

Pan was chucked in a metal cage, instantly flickering between shapes and bashing at the closed door. The lack of human hands on him gave Lyra the energy to struggle further, biting one of the men holding her and running free. But she couldn't get far before she was cornered like a wild animal. She hissed at them, teeth bared, but it wasn't enough to intimate two fully grown men. She could feel Pan's fear shuddering through her and his shouts to escape.

She tried to avoid the hands that grabbed her, scratching and biting to no avail.

"Let go of me! Let go of me! LET GO OF ME!"

She continued to scream even as she was dragged towards Pan and the shining guillotine that filled her with terror. She struggled and struggled, words ripping from her mouth. "Let go of me! She wouldn't want this."

"Come now, it will all be over in a minute. It won't even hurt," The female doctor said, calm and with an eerie smile.

"Not!" Lyra shouted, heart pounding in her ears as she was shoved in the cage. The door was slammed in her face and she hit her fists against it. "Let me go!"

"Lyra, do something," Pan whimpered, fear clashing with her own. "I don't want to leave you!"

"I am the daughter of Lady Belacqua and she wouldn't want this! Let me out!"

There was a hint of recognition in the male doctors eyes and he stopped closing the bigger door even as the other doctor started the machine. "Close the doors."

"But she knows her," the other doctor shook his head.

"Nonsense, close the door."

The wider door began to creak closed even as Lyra continued to scream, begging them to let her out.

"Lyra!" Pan threw himself at the mesh between them. "Stop them! I don't want to be severed!"

"I don't want to either!" Lyra grasped the mesh with one hand and continued to pound the door with another. Water pricked the corners of her eyes. "Let me out, let me out! My mother wouldn't want this! Let me out!"

"I thought you had this all under control?"

Lyra caught just a glimpse of red, but the softly dangerous voice had the tears streaming down her face and hope returning to her mind. "Mother! Mother! MOTHER!"

Her mother froze, mouth ajar before she slammed a lever down. "Lyra!"

Then everything happened at once. Then everything happened at once. The doctor ran to open the doors, helping Lyra out even as she could fiercely and felt as if her legs would give way. The golden monkey himself tore down and pulled Pan out of his cage.

Lyra and Pan instantly went for each other and she hugged him close as sobs wracking through her. They were both shaking, murmuring comforting words to each other even as the fear slowly subsided. She never wanted to let him go again. She'd never let him get taken from her.

A warm arm came around her, Mother's arm, along with soft words that washed over Lyra's head. She was numb with shock and unable to take anything in other than the feeling of Pan against her. Shakes wracked through her body only slightly helped by the arm around her. She still melted into her mother's side and she allowed herself to be led away.

The world around her began to clear, no longer just her and Pan as they clutched to each other, after sitting in bed for a few moments. Mother came into focus in front of her through her once blurry vision. A mug was held to her mouth and she refused to open her mouth.

She was still numb with shock and her fear hadn't quite subsided. But she was slowly getting through it, numbness giving way to the soft shivers that racked through Pan against her chest under her shirt. She remained still but she felt the return of feeling through her.

Mother pressed the mug more insistently against her lips, hand gently coming to the back of her head and tangling her fingers in her hair. Lyra fixed her with a blank stair.

"Something of chamomile," Mother said softly, eyes narrowing slightly. "It will help your nerves. If I wanted to harm you I wouldn't do it through a drink, Lyra. And I do not want to harm you."

Lyra took the mug even as her expression darkened. "They were going to cut Pan away from me."

"A mistake," a frown creased mother's brow. "They didn't know who you were."

"Why does that matter! Who I am en't important you shouldn't be harming kids!"

"Lyra all experiments require... Sacrifices. You must understand that. For results we need to rest and refine."

Lyra felt tears pricking in her eyes, trying to force them away. She didn't want to show weakness. All she wanted to do was collapse against the gentle hands running across her cheek. She wanted to hug her mother as she had before and forget any of this had happened. But she couldn't.

"What about Roger? And Billy Costa."

"If they're your friends, I'll ensure they're not harm," Mother waved it away, pulling Lyra into her arms before she could get out a frustrated and pained scream. "My darling, you must see I'm doing this for the good of all. For your good. I am aiming to remove the presence of sin."

"I don't ever, ever, want to be away from Pan," Lyra growled even as a sob shook through her and Mother comfortingly rubbed her back.

"Don't think about it just now," Mother gently kissed the crown of her head. "You're safe now. I missed you so much, so very much. Do you not know how scared I was when I found you were gone? I thought for sure you were... Well, that's not the case is it? I'd hope it was like the other time all over again but then they never found you. But I've found you now."

"You have," Lyra mumbled, a hint of vulnerability shooting through her as Pan squirmed under her shirt. "I missed you too."

"Oh, my darling daughter," Mother pulled her closer and Lyra saw the tears shining in her eyes. "I'll never let you go again. I promise, I will do my best to be a better Mother. I will do everything for you. So please, never run away again."

"I won't," Lyra lied, even as it pained her to do so. She so desperately wanted to promise that. She wanted to stay with her mother. But she knew that wish was irrational and one she had to ignore. She couldn't let Mother get away with what she'd done and continue her research. Continue to hurt other children even as she protected her.

No matter how much she wanted to give in to that protection, fall into her mother's arms and pretend nothing was wrong.

But she couldn't, because everything was wrong and she wasn't going to forgive her for all the pain she'd caused others.

“I knew you would say that,” Mother tittered, weak smile on her lips as a single tear fell from her eyes. “Now, Lyra, I heard from the Master that you have a certain device in your possession. An alethiometer.”

Lyra blinked, forcing her face to remain entirely passive. She didn’t respond even as her mind whirred. She didn’t even find herself surprised that Mother had switched so easily from sympathy and loving remarks to asking about something to further her own goal.

“Come, Lyra,” Mother gave one of her fake sweet smiles. “I know the Master told you not to tell me. You were very good to keep a secret. But you can trust me now, not your Father. You need to pick a side, darling.”

Lyra nodded slightly, one hand grasping Pan’s fur. “You saved me, he didn’t. And you’ve always been there for me as my Mother.”

“I have,” Mother gave another shaky smile, hand going to Lyra’s cheek. Lyra held it there for a moment with a slight smile before pulling a box out of her pockets and handing it over. Mother looked it over with a slight frown. “Oh, soldered together. You have been very clever to keep it safe.”

Lyra watched carefully as Mother stood to go open it with a knife.

As soon as the box opened she ran, pushing any doubts aside as she escaped a second time.

-

Lyra was beyond relieved when Iorek succeeded against Iofur and took his place as the new king of the bears. She hugged him and patched him up and tried to push back tears at the thought of what could've happened if he didn't win.

"I did, that's what matters," he said gruffly in response to her fears, even as he allowed her to bury herself against his fur with arms wrapped around his neck. She could feel his warmth radiating out and chasing away the bone deep chill she'd felt since arriving here. He smelled of snow and blood, but it calmed her nonetheless. Because it was Iorek and she loved every part of him. "Now come, we have somewhere we must go."

"Where?" she looked up at him with wide eyes.

"To get your friend," he snorted, and if he could she was sure he would've rolled his eyes. “Unless you want to just leave him out in the snow?”

“You left him out there?” Lyra’s mouth dropped. She realised Roger had entirely left her mind while she was in Svalbard. Her hand found the charm he’d made her with a soft sigh. She was just glad he was safe.

“I wasn’t going to bring him with me,” Iorek scoffed. “It would be fair too dangerous.”

“I thought you were confident you’d win,” Lyra teased, flashing a toothy grin.

“I was,” he replied, gently nudging her towards the way out. “But it would be harder if I had brought him along, yes? No point in risking it.”

“I understand,” Lyra nodded, shivering slightly as they went out into the frigid air. She pulled herself up onto Iorek’s back with a slight smile. “Let’s go.”

-

Lyra was still shocked about how her father had greeted her when she arrived. She had expected joy and pride, not a harsh boiling anger she’d rarely seen anything so close to. The way he’d shouted at her to get out had cut deep… but the hint of wild fear in his eyes had confused her.

She was glad he’d calmed down, even if that had only scared Roger more. It hadn’t taken much to comfort Roger and then she’d left him asleep under the blanket fort they’d made to seek out Father.

“I saw Mother,” was the first thing she said as she sat down in front of the fire, leaning against Stelmaria with a soft sigh. The snow leopard let out a pleased rumble and nuzzle her face into Lyra’s. Lyra laughed and kissed her nose. Pan had curled up on top over her with a content sigh.

“Oh really?” Father raised an eyebrow from where he sat, drinking Tokay and looking incredibly pleased. Lyra was surprised he was in such a good mood after whatever had happened when she arrived. “I have to say, I was surprised to see you here alone. How did you escape from her clutches?”

“Well, that’s a long story,” Lyra shrugged one shoulder, twisting around so that she could see him. Pan grumbled as he was dislodged from his spot by her arm reaching around Stelmaria. “Why does she hate dust so much?”

“Because she thinks it is the origin of sin,” Father’s lips curled back as he spat out the last world. “Once your daemon settles you reach adulthood, and dust begins to settle upon you. The Magisterium believes that dust represents the first sin, as when Eve ate the apple her daemon settled. They have been trying to convince us for centuries that we are born guilty and that we are being punished for a crime we did not even commit.”

“Is that why she’s trying to cut daemons away from children,” Lyra shuddered lightly, hand grasping Stelmaria’s fur gently. Pan leapt up against her neck. The feeling of him against her comforted them both. “To prevent dust from settling on them? To preserve our sinless souls?”

“Did they try to cut you, Lyra?” Father’s expression darkened and Stelmaria let out a low, deadly growl. Lyra bit her lip and looked away, unable to deal with the sheer brunt of his anger for once. It wasn’t directed at her - it was for her. It felt unusual. “Lyra?”

“She stopped them,” Lyra mumbled. “She didn’t want to damage me. Happy to damage others.”

“Is that a fact,” Father mouthed softly as Stelmaria pressed further against her.

“The thought of Pan being cut from me,” Lyra shivered, eyes meeting with her daemon as they both shared the unspeakable pain of what almost happened to them.

“I know.” He stood and moved over her, bending over to comfortingly ruffle her hair. She pressed into the touch. “The bond between daemon and human is incredibly powerful. Quite beautiful really. There’s actually an immense release of energy when that link is severed.”

Lyra looked up at him with wide eyes. Was that why the alarms went off whenever a kid was severed. He gave her a soft smile before reaching down to lift her onto her feet.

“Come, let me show you something.”

She followed him over the large glass window, where a myriad of colours were flickering through and bathing them in their soft light. He gently placed one hand on her back as he pointed towards the aurora with the other. “Dust is pouring from the world out of the aurora. If light, dust, can cross the barrier between the universes, if we can see that city in the sky then we can build a bridge and we can cross.”

“Cross to multiple words,” Lyra murmured as she stared out, awestruck.

“Why not?” Father turned to her with a wild spark in his eyes, an ambition that almost made her quail. She had seen it only a few times before. “Let’s go to the source, let’s ask what dust is. Maybe we’ll find out that it’s something else entirely, maybe we’ll find out that it is sin. How do you like the sound of that?”

“I don’t know,” Lyra blinked, hesitant. The thought was so appealing. Leaving this world behind, all the pain she’d felt in it, to explore new ones with her father. Less than a year ago she would have given anything for that opportunity to go with him. But now? A lot had happened, and she’d had her fair share of adventure. “What I do know is I’ve done my piece.”

Asriel raised an eyebrow, looking away from her and back to aurora. She almost felt sad that his attention had gone away. “Lyra, what I can tell you is that dust is what makes the alethiometer work. Did you know that?”

She shook her head. “I brought you the alethiometer and now I have to take Roger home.”

“Did the master ever actually ask you to bring the alethiometer to me?” Father turned back to her with an unreadable expression. “You were never sent for me. But I am glad you came.”

Lyra felt a sting of tears in her eyes, a sinking feeling that this would be the last time she saw him for a long while resting in her chest. She threw herself forward and into his arms. He caught her with a slight gasp of surprise, holding her tightly as she burrowed her head against his chest. He gently pressed a kiss against the crown of her head.

“You are the product of something extraordinary, Lyra,” he whispered against her hair. “Remember that.”

He gently removed her arms from him and held her a distance away. “Get some sleep now, you’ll need your energy for the morning. Good night.”

-

Lyra scaled the mountain to rescue Roger, adrenaline pumping through her veins as explosive as the exchanged fire between bears and Magisterium. She forced herself through the fear and the treacherous climb to save her best friend from a fate she’d led him to.

But she was too late.

A bright light shot into the sky, colours thrashing against the darkness before converging into one. She was thrown back, hitting her head and light dizziness aching in her head. She shook herself out from it to crawl around and watch as Mother stalked towards Father. Words were exchanged, sharp and brutal, before they moved forward to embrace each other passionately.

It was in the moment that she watched her parents kissing, when the closest friend of their daughter had died only minutes before, that she realised how irrational her love for them was. It was still there, throbbing as her heart felt like it was ripped from her chest. But now she knew that it was not a healthy kind of love.

For her parents may love her but they did not truly care for her, not as they should. They wanted someone they could control and mould not a human being with friends and her own mind.

Their blatant disregard for her had always been there, but it was only so clear at that moment.

Before she'd held on hope, she realised. Even in Bolvanger after all her mother had done. Hope that maybe they'd both realise all the wrongs they'd done and then come back to her.

A misplaced hope.

The realisation hurt because they were her parents, people whom she loved so dearly and still craved the affectionate and attention of. But one was the person who had killed her best friend and the other had caused the deaths of many other children.

She couldn't forgive them, for all they had raised her the past five years.

Clutching the body of her best friend, Lyra made a decision.

She didn't have parents anymore.

So she walked into a new world, clutching Pan to her, leaving behind the old one and her parents with it.


End file.
